This is my first time posting so forgive me if I ramble a bit.

First a little background, I love my wife more than anything in this world. She’ my best friend, confidant and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have never, nor do I want to, cheat on her, divorce her, leave her, etc. That being said…

I’ve struggled with pornography for a long time. I started looking at in junior high and of course it snowballed from there. My wife knew this when we were dating but probably figured I would quit when we got married. We’ll have been married 5 years in November and throughout that time we’ve had the normal ups and downs of a marriage. I had given up my habit for a little over a year when I relapsed in April ’05. She found out and threatened to leave if I didn’t get help. Naturally I did because I didn’t want to lose her. I carried on with the therapy for two years and stopped this last December.

The other day (Tuesday to be exact) I had a relapse and she found out about it, and not from me. She started asking me why I would do that to her and things of that nature. She says all she wants from me is honesty, so me being a dumb#$@, I let everything out, and there are 3 parts-
1. I told her I wanted the old wife back – the one I married. I’ll explain – when I met her she weighed around 150-175 (I’m a terrible judge of weight) and I thought she was smokin’ hot. Over time, naturally, she gained some weight. At our wedding she might have been around 175 – however much it was, whenever I look at the picture on our wall, I think to myself “She is so beautiful…” She’s been gaining weight steadily the last few years. A couple of months ago she filled out an application to be on Big Brother, for kicks and giggles, and her weight was written down – 275. I had no idea she weighed that much. Needless to say I became overwhelmed with concern but didn’t say anything. She’s always been defensive about her weight whenever the subject was touched on by her family so I never brought it up until that night. The rest of the night (after she was done talking with one of her friends and came out of the guestroom) I told her over and over again how I was concerned about her health, if there was anything I could do, if she wanted to buy a Wii, etc. Basically I tried to sound supportive rather than like I was coming down on her.
2. I don’t like her smoking so much pot. I have my own vices, such as drinking, but I don’t do it every night. I also know this contributes to her weight gain. She claims she can’t sleep without it, which I’ve always felt was the sign of an addict.
3. This ties into both of those – I know she wants a baby someday and her OB has told her that it would be very dangerous to have a baby at her current weight. Part of the reason I never said anything about the weight was because I figured this was some motivation to lose the weight.
4. I didn’t think this was such a big deal but I must’ve said it wrong – she never goes to Mass with me. I’m Catholic, she’s Jewish, and yes, I go to temple with her when she goes. I told her she didn’t have to go with me every week but once in a while, other than Christmas, would be nice.

She has her own reasons for being insecure. When she was around 13 or 14 her father cheated on her mother and bailed on the family. They have a normal dysfunctional relationship now (we see them 2-4 times a year). While we were talking about it later her friend suggested that her weight gain, and the reason she won’t lose it, is a defense mechanism because of what her father did. She doesn’t ever want to put a child through that.

Yesterday (Wednesday) was my birthday and it was nice. Everything was hunky dory and she even wrote in my card how she never wants to be without me, which of course is totally reciprocated. She got me BBQ for dinner, which she hates, and made me dirt (yes, I’m 31 and eat dirt). I thought everything was well again.

Then this morning I wake up and she’s sitting up in bed with her eyes closed. I figured she was having trouble breathing (she has asthma) so I went to take a shower. I got out and ran to the closet to get more shaving gel and noticed she was just staring into space. I started asking what was wrong, what happened, if is everything ok, etc. She then said three words I never in my worst nightmares thought I would hear from her “I’m leaving you.” She said that she couldn’t do anything for me – be the person she was when I met her, give me a baby, be Catholic. I reassured her that the weight thing wasn’t going to make me leave her or cheat and that I didn’t want a baby right that second. I also told her that I didn’t care if she was Catholic, just that we went to Mass together on occasion (I almost yanked out “You’re always saying how we should do more together” but figured I’m in enough trouble as it is). After I shaved I asked her about yesterday and if it was all a charade. She didn’t want to ruin my birthday. I realize that I’m the bad guy in all of this but I feel very, very deceived by what she wrote in my card. She said that she would come home after work.

At this point I’m terrified that things will never be the same and that she really will leave me. The fact of the matter is I don’t think about a life that doesn’t have her in it. Right now I need, besides good advice on how to handle this situation, is reassurance that divorce is not inevitable. I’ve thought about going to see my priest after work but I have a feeling it would be awkward because I’m not really involved in the church, I just show up every weekend, and the fact that the wife is Jewish. Any positive feedback (and I guess if it’s constructive criticism, that’s ok too) anyone can give me is most appreciated. Thanks!!!

Of course it's not inevitable. There are many things you can do. First step, according to Marriage Builders, is to find out each others' Love Busters (things you do to annoy each other) and your Emotional Needs (things that make you love the other person). Once you know them, STOP doing the LBs against the other person, and START doing the ENs for them. Make sure you stop the LBs first, or else it doesn't matter how many ENs you meet.

Ask her to wait a couple of weeks, tell her you have a plan to see if there's anything you guys can do. Tell her you think she wouldn't want to leave without trying everything, right?

I would suggest that you print out a copy of the Love Busters questionnaire for each of you, take them home, and ask her to sit down and fill them out with you. Once you've done that, just talk about it. Don't get defensive, try to defend your actions. It doesn't matter if you have a good reason for doing an LB, if it hurts her, she'll stop loving you. And vice versa.

See if you can chew on that for a few days, and change your habits, watch for the LBs. Not a one day thing.

Then, once you have the LBs under control, start looking at what ENs of hers you can meet. She's welcome to try, too, if she wants, but you're here, so it's up to you to make your marriage worth keeping.

Oh, and happy birthday.

You can read some great advices on this forums if you'll search around. I would try to give you only 1 advice - try to understand her.
Tell her that you want to understand her and that you are sorry if you failed in doing that. Then listen to her and truly try to see it from her side as hard as it might be.
IF you do it right you will have all the tools you need in order to satisfy her.


Good luck.