AND READ THROUGH THE OUTCOME OF THIS PROGRAM. HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE THIS??

The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions...

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.

http://www.coda-uk.org/

I think you said you were from the UK. I remember reading that your in-laws were angry that you didn't spend time with them while they were visiting the UK. If I'm wrong, let me know and I will find the link for your country.

I would focus on helping you with the MBers approach.

All this other stuff is not necessary if you would only follow the MBers' plans.

Since all WSes are ADDICTS, according to MBers, all BSes are, yes, CODEPENDENT, according to the POV that ONLYU, is using.

Now, yes, ONLY, I think you are confusing her...

This is too much information about codependency.

Brown is NO DIFFERENT than any other BS and her WH is no different either

He is ADDICTED to the OW...PERIOD...

His PAYOFF now is from CAKE-EATING, getting his ENs met by TWO WOMEN..no different from any other CAKE-EATING WS....

So what do i do Mimi?
He feels that he can't break his commitment to her which is ridiculous.
I don't want him to cake eat

You're just not getting, Brown.

You are not going to be able TO TALK someone out of an ADDICTION.

Do you UNDERSTAND that?

You know what, I think you should do PLAN B.

Can you do that?

BREAK OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HIM UNTIL HE ENDS CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN.

ALL CONTACT..NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS...

We have told you and told you what PLAN A involves..and, IMO,the thing is that you want to do it YOUR WAY...rather than the MBers' way..

I've not been advocating MY WAY..I've been advocating the MBers' approach..

Mimi
My earlier post says that i understand i can't talk him out of it, and that is what i am referring to in my next post, he just makes ridiculous comments.
But knowing him, i also know that he just wants one of us to leave, he said it himself. Make the decision for him so i am worried that Plan B might not b right

But I recommended for you to stop listening to him...and to FOCUS on YOURSELF...

Brown:

I really wish you well.

I've probably said everything I need to say and was trying to encourage other opinions...

PLAN A then PLAN B is what I would recommend.

I was recommending PLAN A a bit longer...

But if you can't do PLAN A any longer..on to PLAN B...

It's ALL spelled out for you in SURVIVING AN AFFAIR...

That's THE APPROACH that I recommend as is the focus of this FORUM...I think...that's what I thought..OH MY...

What I meant was that's a lot for a "CONFUSED" person to GRASP when she isn't even grasping the MBers' principles...

I fully agree with Brown's need to gain strength and to become more independent which is stated in that information...

I'm often busy when I post so all of my points may not be coming across clearly...

Sorry...

Guys
I don't know what is right or wrong. But i do know I need to rebuild myself first bcos i can't do anything if i haven't healed myself.
Also, i am hurting that i am creating conflict on this forum. I may take a break for a few days to let everyone calm down
Love u all

Brown,

Please consider that there is tremendous compatibility between Marriage Builders' Plan A and Plan B, and the 12 step program for codependents.

For example - every single thing you have done up to this point has been to somehow change your husband. That is not what Plan A or Plan B are for, and frankly, you are getting in God's way - in a way, acting like your actions can have an impact where God has no power... Do you really think you are more powerful than He is??...

Are you so afraid to face your own inadequacies that your husband's departure has exposed in your life?

Do not try to use this board as a crutch to hide from the reality and gift God has given YOU in your husband's behavior.

God never intended for a woman to be so lost without her man - for her identity to be so wrapped up in that of her husband's love or absence of love, that you would demean yourself every time you have contact with him. Take a look at every encounter you've had with him... Needy. Seeking reassurance that you are better than OW, etc. etc. etc.

And look at how you feel about yourself after every encounter with him. Lost, needy, seeking assurance... about HIS heart - which is lost and unknown and unfathomable to everyone.

You cannot control him. You will beat yourself to pieces trying to CHANGE HIM.

PLEASE STOP. It is beneath you. It is unwomanly. It is undignified.

Recognize that you are needing to go to the first step and admit you are powerless over him and your life has become unmanageable.

Then you are ready to do a good Plan A - for you. TO rebuild who you want to be. A woman of strength. Dignity. Beauty. All the attributes that you lost being "in love" with a man who can't love you back right now.

From now on, consider that your behavior and shares on this board are about becoming the woman YOU want to be - because You like that woman. That you enjoy moments of solitude to reflect, improve and KNOW who you are...

Then I will share some more about what your next step will be.

Who do you want to be? What is that woman like? What one thing can she do today to be more HER!?

Browneyes, the ONLY expectation you should have of your WH when you talk to him is that he will talk hurtful nonsense and it will be ALL ABOUT HIM.

Really. If you will recognize that you're banging your head against a brick wall when you try and reason or teach him, and STOP THIS you may be able to finish out your Plan A. Even if you have to fake it till you make it. Yanno?

Ever had a bad day at the office with a boss riding you or blaming you for something? Would you EVER consider exposing how you were feeling to your boss? Nope. You put on that professional hat and deal with it. It's the same kind of thing, put on that "Plan A" hat and do it.

Only IF you think you can do this... plan one more "outing" with him. Prepare yourself WELL ahead of time. You will SMILE until it hurts, you'll be pleasant, you'll change the subject TOTALLY when he brings up relationship talk. You'll talk about what YOU'RE doing to make YOU happy. Hey honey, have you seen the latest movie, read the latest book, what do you think about world economy. You'll be dressed to kill.

When he says hurtful things, if you MUST respond, just respond with, "huh... interesting, you know I really love that new series on TV." See what I mean?

Doesn't have to be a LONG "outing", in fact, I think that's too hard on you, but just a short dynamic powerful one. It should end with you saying goodbye (with a smile!) and then, "Oh, I almost forgot. This is for you. See ya later."

I do want to be independent. I want to be able to live a good life even if that means there is no WH/H.
I want to get my career back on track, i want to be successful, i want to help others. I have started feeling more happy about how i look n dress. I have gone from a size 12 (UK size) to a size 8. I can now wear figure hugging clothes without feeling fat.
I go to Yoga every week and I am getting a personal trainer.
I have stopped ringing WH as of yesterday n I hope that I can keep it up. We agreed to take a break n i don't want him to think i am desperate.
I want to make a plan that looks at the possibility of living alone without H. If he comes back well n good, if he doesn't it is his loss n not mine.

Princess

U r so cool, i liked the boss analogy. I can totally relate to that as that is what I am best at. I don't let my clients or my boss get to me, i tend to smile through it all n that works like a charm.

Only

I am fine. I recognise i hv an addiction n i plan to b independent. I am not going to let him affect me any longer. I spent the whole morning working hard on my office stuff something that i haven't done in a while.
I haven't called him, n i plan to keep it that way as long as i can.
I can survive without him!

Mimi

I am working on regaining some strength b4 i decide Plan A or B
I need to stop this emotional rollercoaster b4 i self destruct

Guys
Good news, we had our appraisals today at work, and I have been approved for promotion subject to my passing my exams and - i really need to knuckle down with my studying.
I am happy!

That is good news Brown! Great job!

Thanks a tonne Only