It is sucking you back into his wayward world before he is ready to make any committment to earn his way back in.

Phoenix,

You ARE letting him engage you. Plan B means no contact whatsoever. I wish I had gone ino plan B a LONG time ago like I threatened I was going to. Things woud have been alot different I think.

Do NOT let him see you or contact you in anyway. If will make YOU feel worse and him feel better. Have him pick up the kids at your neighbors house. he should n ot be able to get into your house.

Plan B is not about HIM. It is to protect YOUR sanity!

Ok - I can see what you guys are saying (thanks for laying it out like that ML, and yes Z - I'm seeing how it makes me feel worse and him feel better) - but then my question remains, how long do I stay in PlanB?

I guess I'm feeling a bit like a wimp; having to ask neighbors to be here for each drop off, when it's such a short time and he's not doing anything threatening. I'm just wondering how long I need that kind of protection..? Isn't there a point where it's over and we move into the new 'divorced, coparenting' stage?

Z- in what way do you think your siutation would have been a lot different?

phoenix, the length of time you stay in Plan B is up to you entirely. Dr Harley recommends up to 2 years and feels like if you are not reconciled by then, then it probably will never happen. But you are under no obligation to wait that long. If you are ready to move on at 1 year, then that is your prerogative.

Most parents DON'T co-parent, though. Many psychologists recommend NEVER doing that because it is traumatic to one or both of the parents.

In your case, I would try to stay in plan B for as long as you are married and the status remains the same. And maybe even longer, because of the terrible sadness and despair contact causes.

Can you not send the boys out without seeing your H? Is there not some easier way to achieve nc?

Thanks ML. Yes, I think I can send them outside when he picks them up, but when he drops them off he usually carries the 2-yr old up the stairs to the front door. I guess I can keep having a neighbor come then .. just wondering if it was still important, but it sounds like a definite YES.

I guess I don't even really know what I mean by co-parenting; it just seems like at a certain point even divorced parents have to work together on issues for the kids, is that right..?

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know when enough is enough. He's basically not lived at home for over a year now, EA for over a year, PA for 6 months - and nothing seems to be phasing him one bit. Part of me is definitely ready to just move on.

But what I think you're saying is that even if that's the case; the best scenario looks like just letting the D proceed but keeping planB in place as long as possible?

You said that contact causes terrible sadness and despair (and I agree); does that ever get better?

Hi Phoenix,

I have not been in your scenario, but others have. Are you in email touch with SMB? She has definitely been in your shoes.

Mel and Z have given you some insightful advice and I hope you can adhere to it to maximize your Plan B efforts. It might be good to refresh your mind in the way that Plan B works.

What is your big picture goal? Only you can decide. If you want to recover your M, you are on the right track with continuing Plan B for up to 2 years or until you decide you want a D, whichever comes first. (I think that's the general idea behind Plan B.) So far it seems you do NOT want a D, but you're not sure if he does either. (If he has not filed yet, chances are he does not want a D either) Don't give up....keep your focus......prepare to receive a similar miracle to what SMB and tst are experiencing and look at your big picture goals.

I'm still praying for you.

Ace

In answer to your "does it ever get better?" question, yes it can, Phoenix, but you must have a plan and be committed to working it.

How's it going?

Ace

Phoenix,

How's the exchange situation going? Are you able to complete it without contact?

They recommend 2 years as a sorta limit for Plan B. I don't see your sig line so I don't remember how long it's been for you....a few months?

Plan B is to protect what love you have for WH and to allow you to work on yourself. As you recover yourself, the terrible sadness and despair you feel should get more bearable. Even if the situation does not change, your recovery will help you edure it better.

Posting your progress might help. Are you emailing anyone on MB for support?

It's been nearly a week since you've posted on this thread....not sure if you've started another one.

I am praying for you. Looking for your update soon.

Ace

P.S. If you're receiving support via email and would rather I not post to this thread, please let me know.

hi ace .. thanks again. no, i haven't been hearing from anyone lately outside of the forum. i guess i've been taking a breather, some time to think.

i really am feeling/sensing that this is over for me. i feel like God is leading me forward - it has been more than a year since he moved out and i just really think i might be done. i have responded in every way possible, and have seen not a sign of turning or anything close to repentance. i think i need to move the d. forward so that i can begin rebuilding in some ways. i have had a lot of confirmation these last couple weeks as i've prayed about it. i know that a miracle could still happen, i will leave the door open for that as i move forward. but i do think it's time for me to start moving.

right now i just don't have any critical questions for the board, and when i post about regular things in my life it doesn't seem like people are too interested (i know there are a lot of needs here, and am sure people are just needed on other threads..). so i will keep checking in and keeping up with some others sitchs, but probably won't be so regular anymore. it just makes me focus on something that i think is not where my mind should be for now.

if there is something i'm overlooking, i'm open to reconsidering. not set in stone. and maybe my sitch will change. just giving you an idea where my head is at right now. thanks for being concerned. {hugs} .. P

I would stick to a dark Plan B until the divorce is final. My ex and OW broke up less than 2 weeks after the divorce was final.

Then it took him a good 7 months to come out of the fog, and by that time I was dating and had met someone else.

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hello all! i've missed everyone - just focused my energy this spring on settling into planB and building my new life. things were going rather well and i was feeling a lot of hope actually, for my future and for my boys.

about a month ago, WH began what may be a real turnaround. i say this with very guarded hope. i won't go into more detail yet. he has been reading a lot on MB (including my thread), though hasn't posted himself yet. but your prayers for us as we navigate these waters is appreciated. hopefully i will have more to post soon.

all that to say, i had my first session with steve harley today; i am thrilled. i have read so much here that i wasn't sure he would have much new to say - i was so wrong. he really was fantastic, and i can not say enough great things about him and our session. i hope that we indeed have begun a path to recovery; and if so, am so grateful to God for someone like steve to coach us through the rocky road ahead.

i will keep you posted as i'm able with more details; but for now, just appreciate any prayers. :-)

That's awesome Phoenix... I hope things turn out even greater, cause it sounds like you've come a long way on your own personal recovery. WH turning around would just be icing on the cake.

Phoenix,

I never posted to you before but I followed your thread and was touched by your story and the pic of you and your boys. I have wondered how you were doing.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I second PM's comment on this being icing on the cake

Good luck and keep us updated!

Awesome!

Phoenix,

I have not posted to you either, but have been reading your story for a long time now. Never felt I had anything to add to the advice you were receiving.

Just wanted to say I hope things do work out well for you. When we tell people to contact the Harley's for coaching, you now know what we mean. They really are good.

God Bless,

JL

Phoenix -

Best of luck to you, no matter what happens. I read completely through your thread today and you seem to have come a long way.

Seriously, good luck and God bless!!

BLW

ok. i can't believe i'm about to type this, but i think we are officially starting down the recovery road. i don't think i can even say those words outloud, so typing is a good start. WH (H?) had his first appointment with steve this morning, and is totally on board. so i guess we're moving forward..?

when i realized this i felt a burst of excitement and praise, followed by extreme nausea. is that normal? i think part of me is still in shock, and i think part of me is just really (really) afraid. which makes me sad. God has been so good to me through all of this mess; i surely shouldn't stop trusting Him now!

Thankyou so much to all of you who have supported me on this crazy ride. H completed his first 'assignment' from steve this weekend, and got an A+ in my opinion. We had another phone session with him this morning, and when I asked if we were officially 'in recovery' - he said yes! I understand that it is a process, and there are still many things ahead, but I do feel a bit like rejoicing today. And saying thankyou to you all, for everything.

This leads me to my question; my closest friends are coming over tonight to talk with me, to try to 'get on the same page' with me. They are really having a hard time in general with my choice to pursue recovery at this point. They are feeliing very protective of me and concerned. Any advice on what I might say or do, or what I can suggest to them in terms of supporting me/us now?

T H A N K S