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Joined: May 2007
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Disclaimer: I did not recover my M and am hardly an expert. I made the choice somewhere in the middle of my Plan A which sucked anyway. However, looking back I can see my errors and understand the Plans from a more objective standpoint. However, I'm asking that the real experts chime in here - especially if I get this wrong!
I have this overwelming compulsion to post this thread as so many of you right now are in Plan A, but you seem to be stuck on the meeting WS's ENs component of Plan A. This is the most difficult part and what will eventually strip away your self esteem. But there's more to it than just that. Plan A also includes:
- Exposure
There are still some people who don't seem to have fully done this task, yet are bending over backwards to fulfill ENs. It's just enabling cake-eating. Exposure is necessary for Plan A to work.
- Not protecting WS from the consequences
Some seem to be confusing this with LBing. It is not. Sure, WS blames you for everything and it's hard to take but guess what - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! I don't care what the consequences are - if WS loses his/her job, it's his/her fault. If family and friends turn on them, it's still his/her fault. NOT yours!!! Please don't confuse this with LBing. This is also a necessary component of Plan A.
- Not doing anything to enable the A
Don't provide financial or any other type of support that enables WS to continue the A. Even if it means stripping the bank account, canceling credit card or anything else.
- NO EXPECTATIONS!!
Attempting to meet ENs is part of Plan A, but it has to be done with NO EXPECTATIONS. So how come so many Plan A'ers are posting about how they did this or that and describing the WS response as being hopeful and/or positive? Are we helping these folks when we provide encouragement because we're just setting them up for more expectations? WS's are unpredictable. They are sweet as suger one moment and turn on you the next. It hurts like h311 and even worse when you are hoping for something different.
-Improve yourself
Lose weight, exercise, etc. - this is part of A and B and can be done with or without WS around. Again, do it without expectations and remember, it is for you, not them anyway.
Unless I'm mistaken, and please correct me if I am, that is the way I understand Plan A. But I have one more opinion on it that isn't always clear here and that's regarding the time frame. I have read 3-6 months, but I wonder if that is too long for some cases. Some situations where I think it might be best to cut it short include:
- WS has moved in with OP. Any attempt at meeting ENs is just spoon feeding the cake in my opinion. Expose. Stop protecting. Stop enabling. Get your things together and prepare for Plan B. I don't understand why a BS in this situation would attempt to meet a single EN or how that could possibly help.
-WS is so toxic that children are suffering. Infidelity is hard on kids whether it results in Plan D or not. Once the A happens, it's too late to prevent the children from being hurt but you can minimize it. Many WS actions are far worse than divorce.
-BS can no longer hold themselves together under the onslaught of vicious WS fogspeak. Not everyone is going to make it 3 months. Some WS's are going to be worse than others. There are some Plan Aers here that I'm truly worried about. I really dont' think they should be encouraged to continue in Plan A. Just because their Plan A isn't textbook perfect, as long as it's been attempted and all of the other components (exposure, consequences etc.) are in place, it could still work. But it will never work if the BS completely breaks down.
I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries here especially considering my own botched Plan A and the fact I ceased all attempts to recover my own M. I actually have been following MB principles and I'm rather proud of my modified Plan B because it has really put me on track for personal recovery. It has also made me see how the Plans do work simply by the response of my own WstbxH to it.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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But I have one more opinion on it that isn't always clear here and that's regarding the time frame. I have read 3-6 months, but I wonder if that is too long for some cases. Some situations where I think it might be best to cut it short include: Tabby, this is a great post and I agree it is very timely. Please don't give yourself short shrift because you are divorced. Sometimes the definition of success IS divorce and some of the greatest success stories here are divorced. Our divorcees are a valuable resource. Dr. Harley recently posted this about length of time in Plan A: MelodyLane:
The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"
My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.
If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often safely keep a person in plan A much longer.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. As you noted, Plan A was never intended to be a way of life, but unfortunately, it is highly appealing to conflict avoiders who use Plan A as a way to avoid action. That is NOT how it was ever intended. WS has moved in with OP. Any attempt at meeting ENs is just spoon feeding the cake in my opinion. Expose. Stop protecting. Stop enabling. Get your things together and prepare for Plan B. I don't understand why a BS in this situation would attempt to meet a single EN or how that could possibly help. It is an unrealistic goal to believe one CAN meet the need of the average WS while in an affair. Rarely is that even possible. So, the best that can happen is to express a WILLINGNESS to do so, if the affair ends and offering a safe place to land in the future. I have seen folks prolong Plan A by trying to meet needs that are impossible to meet. That is not the purpose of Plan A. And most importantly, Plan A only works 15% of the time in killing the affair. More often, it takes both Plan A *AND* Plan B. Dr. Harley: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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bumperoonee!!!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2008
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Tabby1, even though you feel you botched plan A, I believe you have a handle on it. Like ML said, sometimes divorce is a success story. I can't speak from experience on the plans, because I was fortunate in that I didn't have to plan A to end the affair. I don't even know if I could have done one and imagine it would have been short-lived if I had been tested on it. I was ready to move straight to plan B on D-Day. I have great respect for those doing plan A, but like you, I fear some may get so focused on the carrot they forget about the stick... and protecting the person holding both.
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