Hello,
- I posted last year in the Sep-Oct time frame and here is just some background
- Married 19 years; D-23, S-22, D-16...good marriage, but not perfect
- Found out WW was having an affair in Dec 06
- I moved out in Jan 07 but tried to reconcile...I never did move back into home...biggest mistake.
- Mediocre to bad plan A till divorce
- Never did a plan B till now, yes, 6 months after divorce
-I have wanted to give up so badly but God won't let me. He is constantly telling me in different ways to perservere and I literally argue with Him. I know He is working on both our hearts, but I am SOOOOO tired. My parents think I am nuts for holding on for so long.

So here is my current story and I would appreciate your help so much. When you read this, keep in mind two things: 1) she is still seeing OM but has "tried" to break it off many times (can you say addiction). Says she sees no future for them 2) says she is afraid I will not forgive her and hold the A over her head (I don't believe I would do that and I am on the path to forgiveness). These are the two main reasons we have not reconciled.
- We were supposed to divorce in Dec 07, but wife backed out right in front of the judge on divorce day
- Jan 08, Went back to same judge and this time she did not back out and we divorced...but we had long talk afterword and she admitted several things about A
- Since then, she has told me she cannot see herself married to OM; I am only one she can imagine being M'd to but she is afraid I will not forgive her and hold it over her head
- She said "strange" things have been happening to her and she believes it is God trying to tell her something. For example, she almost said yes to marrying the OM for financial reasons(she said he was always pressuring her to marry). I did not know this but one week later I told her I would not let her fail financially (plan A'ing without even knowing it). A few days later she was crying and told me she believed that was Gods intervention to let her know she did not have to marry OM.
- We have talked about her needs and my needs on many occasions
- I have asked her if she could handle breaking it off and not getting involved w OM again...she said yes.
- Since the D,I have been making big time love deposits and no love busters
- She said her parents are warming up to the idea of us getting back together (they supported her A). My biggest fault was just not spending enough time w her and being controlling w things like money (yes, I believe I have changed drastically)
- She went away for a weekend last month to get alone w God. She brought 4 books: After the Affair, When love dies (how to rebuild love in marriage), Joyce Meyers book and Bible. Unfortunately, OM called her 9 times and was mad she was trying to get alone. She was not happy he did not give her space. BTW, I am the one who suggested she get alone and pray.
- Our oldest D said to her mother "you need to get some balls". I think she was referring to the breaking it off w OM. XW told me about this conversation.
- OM has told XW that he cannot live w/o her, would not be happy, blah blah blah...I told XW sounds like manipulation and she said she thought of that. She is also afraid he will hurt himself...I am afraid he will hurt someone else should she break it off.
- She keeps talking as if she is going to break it off permanently but does not; only temporarily. She said everytime she does, OM cries and begs her to come back (breaking my heart). I don't know how long she will sit the fence. She says she is trying to make decision but is so confused. Her reason for getting away that weekend was to seek His counsel. Yes, I know what I believe what God would tell her, but remember she is still in a thick fog.


Ok, there is more but I think you get pic. Remember, in all this she is still seeing him even though she is now having serious conversations w me. She does not see a future w him, but is afraid to come back. Is she full of it? After all this time, do they ever come out of the fog? I started plan B just yesterday and it is hard but I need to stick w it. I don't think she even saw it coming. Thoughts and comments are so welcome.

BTW, though I hurt I am doing very well. I laugh, have fun, spend time w my kids, financially secure, physically fit and believe it or not, I am enjoying being single. God has been so good to me.

DNO
Me-46
XW_43
D Day 18 Dec 06
I moved out Jan 07
Divorce Jan 08
Plan A 6 months
Started Plan B on 24 Jun 08

Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him. Job 13:15

Hi down, sorry you are here. When you say you are in Plan B, do you mean you have delivered her a letter giving your conditions and completely cut off all contact? If so, what are your conditions?

Hi d_n_o

I wasn't in the same situation as you, but I did continue to Plan A my XH after his D and the end of his A (a few months after the D was final and it was exposed). It wasn't until he told the OW that they couldn't even have "friendly" contact-total NC-that he was able to hear God's voice clearly in his life, which has brought him back into our lives and we are working towards recovering our family.

So, until she is able to have NC completely and can be clear enough without the OM addiction, she won't be able to hear God's voice and have her heart turn towards you. It's good that she can see God's hand in this. The conflict she is feeling as the OM was LBing her and you were in Plan A may help push her off that fence your way.

From the sounds of it, you will be fine either way.

Yes, I sent her an email explaining it was best if we did not talk at all unless it is about the kids or something important. There really isnt anybody who could serve as a third party and I am not comfortable w that anyway. I told her it was to give her space to breathe. I also said that if she should want to talk again, then I will be here. Though I did not explain it in my letter, she is aware that we should start talking seriously only if and when she breaks it off w OM. There weren't many conditions other than the ones I mentioned. Though she works with him, she does not see him that often because his office is sixty miles away. We have also talked about her finding a new job, but I will wait on that one.

Johnstwin, thank you for the words of encouragement. Sounds like you and I have similar stories and I am so happy you are in recovery.

DNO

It has not been quite a week yet with Plan B and I have not heard a word from WW. Not that I expected to, but I am concerned w my well being. I really don't have strong urges to contact her but I find myself losing faith. I also find myself losing the "want" to carry on. I am questioning God as to whether He wants me to perservere or just quit. He has told me so many times to hang in there and wait on Him, but my faith and patience has been tried to the end. It has been over a year and a half and I wonder when it will be time to throw in the towel and walk away knowing I did my very best.
A friend of mine told me I need to surrender my WW to Him. I have to continually do that everyday, but much of the time I just don't see us reconciling because she is in a such deep fog. When we talk I have hope because of the things she says. She had been crying the other day and I asked her if I could hold her. She said "not yet". She has said things like this often. She said she does not feel right talking to me because she feels like she is being unfaithful to OM (we are divorced). At first, I was appalled, but she keeps saying she does not ever want to do this to anybody/herself again. I understand that and even respect that. Even though she is thinking about reconciling, I just don't know if it will ever happen. If it does, I may have finally moved on to something new. Plan B is so tough because you don't get any feedback. The silence is killing me, but I know I have to have faith that God and Plan A are working.

How long have you plan B'ers have to wait. I know there is no right answer, but I am curious.

DNO

By your admission you did a halfassed plan A.

Well now you are doing a halfassed plan B.
You must not have any direct contact with the XWW. For any everyday reason. Motivate your butt to find a third party.

"she does not feel right talking to me because she feels like she is being unfaithful to OM"

XWW is telling you don't talk to me I won't cheat on the OM with you. But you can and refuse to find a third party.

Hi DNO,

That's a pretty, doggone, wishy-washy "Plan B" letter you sent to your WW.

What you need is an extrememly DARK, Plan B, with no light whatsoever!!

I can understand this, though. You want to leave the door open just a teeny-weeny, itty-bitty little bit so you can have a crumb from your WW now and then. This is a mistake. You deserve better than crumbs, Dude. WAY better.

I read your posts and I see, "she says, she says, she says"...etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. That comes out of her mouth. What are her ACTIONS saying to you?

You need to get tough. I know it's hard. I was like you once. I appreciated all the help but I mostly wanted to hear and read about successful M stories. I understood intuitively about recovering myself but I wanted my M.

Well, guess what? I am in Plan B and I AM a success story. And it keeps getting better. If my WH ever talks to me again ever I will be very surprised but you know what? I am OKAY with that. HE is the one who needs to heal and he's not doing it, just staying enmeshed in his A and prescription drugs.

What are YOU doing for YOU?

Are you sitting at home looking at the clock on the wall and willing the hands to move faster...to move time faster...because the faster time moves the quicker the A will end?

You need to do a dark B and start doing things for YOU. Get out of the house. Join a club, start dancing, play golf, etc. Take flying lessons. Go fishing. Go deep-sea fishing if you are near an area where you can. Go mountain climbing. Hiking. There are groups and clubs for these things.

You need to get out and take care of YOU. Write a stronger letter and give it to her. Then TOTALLY remove yourself from her life so she will see what she is missing. You CAN do this.

I know you are afraid of losing her completely but that is the path you are on NOW. It is time for TOUGH LOVE. You are STRONG. You can do it.

Come on!! DO IT!! I don't want to see you back here in another 6 months or a year with the same weary story!!!

GET WITH THE PROGRAM!! YOU ARE WORTHY!! YOU DESERVE IT!!!!

Charlotte

ok, DNO, this is not Plan B. This is Plan I am giving you permission to carry on with OM and I will wait on the sidelines.

That is the WRONG message to send to a wayward.

Now, do you want to get serious and do this RIGHT? Because this current plan will get you nowhere. In fact, your plan is causing more harm than good.

huh? what does this mean exactly? Does she have breathing problems? Has she been examined by a doctor?

Mel

Charlotte