So after 14 years and two children later, my husband is having an affair (i know shocking). I was able to tap into his e-mail (stupid man) and figure out his password (my son's name) again, stupid man, and read every single e-mail from him and to him.
This has been ongoing for about 6 months, longer than I thought and now i know why he hasn't been willing to work it out.

So i guess i have no choice, because i will never take him back, not that he would come back why would he, to go talk to an attorney.

Mind you, H is 40 something and she is a meer child at 20. Disgusting!
What more can possible happen to me at this point. My poor kids!

I confronted him that I have been suspicious and now I know for sure that I have proof and even so much as started to read some of the e-mails to him, and he still denied it.
He is out of the house, staying who knows where, probably with her.

I feel helpless. Thank god for my family.

I am glad you got your thread moved over hear. Just remember it may be slow over the week-end.

Merlin2

God bless you.

Hope you made hard copies of the emails and you've got all your financial paperwork in order to take to your attorney.

Sincerest sympathy to you and your children.

Mr. Wondering

I glad that you finally know the truth.

Stay around and keep posting.

Yes see an attorney and see where you stand.

CN

Yes i most certainly did make copies and thank god because he changed his password and now i cannot access it again. it has lot of incriminating evidence.............
thank you!

The meer fact that my husband would just up and leave his whole life for this person is still unbelievable to me.
I am so distraught about this whole thing. How could it possibly last? It's obviously only sexual and nothing more. Yet he can just walk away from us.
I really need some advise here.
When he is here with the kids, his mind is obviously elsewhere. He is always on the phone texting.

Hi Ima-

I'm not around MB that often, so I'm not sure if you have posted before, but I just read your thread and was wondering if you have gone to the "Just Found Out" forum on this site. WAT's guide is a good place to start making sense of what's going on in your M. Also, the thread titled "For Newly Betrayed Spouses." Start at the beginning. That's where the most information is.

Things can be kind of quiet on week-ends so hang in there.

Well, do you want him back? If there was someone who could help you repair your marriage and life would you go to them?

Men, and women do many things that they live to regret.....one should never make life altering decisions in yur situation. YOu may want to kill him now, but maybe you wont feel like that tommorrow. Talk to someone.....get yourself some personal help now...deal with tommorrow, tomorrow.

Lemonman, MD

I agree with Lemonman. I can honestly say that I would not be here on this earth if I did not have my therapy lady and my wonderful friends and my brother and sister. If you have insurance, call them and see if they cover the cost of psychotherapy or a psychiatrist. Don't try to do this all alone. If you have friends, family and pro's to lean on, do it. Don't let yourself suffer in this pain alone.

hi, i did post there as well as someone referred me here.

Do I want him back.....right now, NO. I have too much anger and hurt to even go there. He has done soooo much damage it's unimaginable to me.
I have tried getting him to a mc, he went twice then gave up. Mind you, he was already ingulfed in the affair.
I am still in therapy for me.
I am not making any life changing decisions right now, but everyone seems to think I am foolish for not doing so. They think I should file for separation.
He obviously is not doing anything...it's been 6 months. He has his life with her that he is living and still gets to see his kids.
I can't think about tomorrow, I have to get through today first. And is is damn difficult!

Imagoodperson:

I believe you were being directed to "read" some of the posts in Just Found Out that have been "locked" at the very top of that forum.

There is a wealth of information in those "saved" threads on that forum.

You need a plan.

ima,

He's likely to find out that life with a 20 year old girl is more like being a daddy and less like being a boyfriend than he likes.

She is likely to find out that having her dad around all the time gets old fast.

She will get very tired of him - because younger guys are soooooo cuuuuute.

And she will grow bored of him. At 20, they grow bored of new things and toss them aside like yesterday's fashions quite rapidly, without explanation, except for, "I dunno. I just don't like him anymore."

Your hubby will come home with his tail between his legs, and be completely unable to explain himself.


And your anger will subside.


I'm wondering if you might want to consider reading the material on this website and formulating a plan for the time when you DO want to salvage your marriage, and you DO want to bust up this affair.

Why don't you at least take a look at both options - before you rule out the option of recovering the marriage?


It is absolutely possible to make this marriage work after an affair. Of course, you can divorce and walk away. That is one choice. Another choice is not to do that. It might just pay to explore BOTH before you decide. There is not a rush to the courtroom.

Schoolbus

Yes, it is difficult, but you can do it. Live through today, fight another day. The only difference between a hero and a coward is the hero is brave a few minutes longer. The only difference between a winner and a loser is the winner gets up one more time than the loser does.

And, Imagoodperson, you are a winner. You're going to come through this a champion whether you divorce your husband or not.

As for those people who say you should separate immediately, ask them if they've ever been in your shoes. My guess is no. My mother has; it took her six months before she kicked my dad to the kerb. My aunt was, and she and my uncle are still married, happily now.

The people who are advising you to separate now want to protect you, but they aren't really well informed about making decisions under this kind of stress. This is one of those times when Scarlett O'Hara had it right "I'll think about that tomorrow." Just get through today. And when tomorrow is today, you can still put off making major decisions until tomorrow. You'll know when tomorrow comes and, you may find, you've already made your decision.

schoolbus, i totally agree with all you said about this situation. I am not totally ruling out anything right now, but I need to figure something out for the time being. What that is.....i dunno.
How does one bust up an affair?

Greengables,
Thank u!
No the people giving me advise haven't been in this situation. They are only looking out for me I know. But I can't make any harsh decisions right now and besides it will destroy my children.

I just wonder how much more I can take!

You're going to be amazed at how strong you are. That is one of the few silver linings. After you've made it through this, you'll know you can make it through almost anything. Unfortunately, it like living in a swamp, being chomped by an alligator and bitten by mesquitos while you're in the middle of it.

One of the first steps to busting up an affair is to expose it. This does not mean making a film of yourself, your husband and the OW and posting it on YouTube with updates on her skanky-ness or his horny dog behavior, tempting as that might be. It also does not mean leaving wild voice mail messages that make you sound insane.

It's more like "X is having an affair with Y. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'd like my marriage to have every possible chance, and I ask for your help in supporting our marriage." I'd tell everyone in his family.

My cousin only just found out, twenty years later, that the reason my mother kicked my father to the curb was because he was having an affair and wouldn't stop. My cousin apologized for not treating my mother nicely during those 20 years.

Make sure her family knows too. At least her husband if she has one. Oh, and make sure she knows he's married with kids. Sometimes men lie.

Edited to add:
I forgot she was only 20. Definitely call her and tell her your husband is married with 2 kids. Tell her you'd like to save your marriage. It may not work, but it may. 20 is very young, and she may not have thought through her actions.

Then, I'd contact her family. Unless she comes from complete trash, no one's parents want their baby girl to be a homewrecker, and her father may have something to say about 40 year old married men who use their daughter.

Once again, I'd just be really matter of fact. "I'm Z, X's wife. X is having an affair with your daughter Y. I want to give my marriage every opportunity to succeed, and I'm asking for your help."

I'd bet money her parents would be REALLY MAD at the idea of a forty year old MARRIED man with their daughter.

I'm 19 and I can tell you for sure--my grandparents (who raised me) would ROAST ME ALIVE (figuratively) if they caught me with a 40 year old--much less one that was married!

Step 1 for you? EXPOSE! Expose to anyone important to him, who might have some form of influence over him. Expose to OW's PARENTS, your WH's parents...etc.

Be ready to have lots of empty vials ready--you may as well put that venom he'll be spewing to good use.

ima,

There are plenty of ways to bust up an affair.

1. Expose the affair to everyone you know. While he will be angry, your marriage can survive his being angry. It cannot survive his having a girlfriend.

When you expose, do NOT warn him. Just start emailing and calling people. The message needs to be positive, not negative. The message you give is along the lines of this:

"I am letting you know that our marriage is in trouble. My H is having an affair with ______, who is 20 years old. I want to do what I can to save my marriage, which has been good. My H and I can move through this, we can go forward and save this marriage, but the affair needs to stop, and I need your help and loving support. The way you can do that is to encourage him to stop the affair, support our marriage and family, and know that I will accept him back - so if he asks you, then YES, I do want him back and will look forward, if he stops the affair and never contacts her again. I love him, and want our marriage to recover."

That way, nothing you say about him, the OW, or the marriage is negative. You have asked for their support, their love, and the only message they could possibly pass on to him is one that would be "go home, she loves you, and you need to think about your marriage and family".

2. You need to go into Plan A. Plan A is a method to use that involves presenting your best self to him on every encounter you have with him. This means that whenever he is to be at the house, it is clean and presentable. Whenever you and he are to be together, you are dressed nicely, smell good, and are your most attractive self. You do NOT engage in any talk about divorce, but you do your best to meet his emotional needs (except for sexual fulfillment - if he is having sex with the OW, then you have to consider this carefully and think about STD's, and what you would want to risk in this regard - some BS's will not have sex with the wayward spouses while they are with the OP...this is a choice that you have to figure out). You need to read up on this website about Plan A, and get it into gear. You will be doing some work on yourself, making changes that you feel that you need to make. You will also be doing things that you think will make your spouse feel admired, loved, and supported by you.

3. During this time, you will also do everything you can to avoid lovebusting. You can also read about those here.

4. Order "Surviving an Affair", and another book called "After the Affair". I found them to be helpful in getting me grounded, and they explained a lot. It will help you to know about the emotions you are having, but also important in understanding what is coming next on his side.

5. Know that your WH will not listen to a word you have to say about the OW, or his fantasy - so you won't be able to educate him. BUT - there will be times when he is "himself". He will go in and out of what is described here as "the fog", which is a sort of state of mind, where he feels somehow entitled to be doing what he's doing. At times, however, he will show signs of being his old self. You will know when you are talking to the REAL husband, and when you are talking to the wayward. Don't try to reason with the WH. He is an alien, and nothing you say to that version of your H will matter. When the Real H shows up from time to time, you can talk to him. Take advantage of that when you can - and ignore the other guy.

6. Take care of yourself. It is very important to let him understand that HE is NOT THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD. While he is out there with his OW, he is wondering about you - so make that work for you. Do not always be available to him, do not always take his calls. Do not always tell him where you are, and be sure to be vague when he asks what you were doing, or where you are going on a Friday night. Don't go off and date anyone, NO. But, make it a point to look very nice and be "going out" with a vague destination. And then DO NOT BE FOUND FOR SEVERAL HOURS. If it means that you go out by yourself to a movie and a pizza joint in a nearby town, then do it. But he needs to wonder about you and your life.

7. Pick up a new hobby. Be interested in other things, and BE INTERESTING. Part of Plan A is to be "fresh" and "new" to him. This means showing him changes in yourself, and being upbeat, interesting, sexy, fun, and surprising. Part of the problem in long-term relationships is that people begin to believe they know everything about the other, and that just isn't true. So get out there and do some of the things that you have wanted to do, but have put off for whatever reason.

8. And yes, DO call her parents. Let them know exactly what is going on. And if you know her grandparents' numbers, then let them in on the "beautiful romance" too.


If your husband gets angry about exposure, BTW, tell him that you are willing to move heaven and earth to save your marriage, and that someday he will thank you for it. Tell him that your history together, your friendship, your love, and your family are worth fighting for, worth saving, and worth making him mad for a little while. And if exposing this "romance" makes him so mad, why? If it is such a beautiful thing.....then exposing it to the light of day should be making him feel wonderful.

You hang in there - because this thing will wither on the vine because it was NOT made in heaven, but a place much darker than that. Turn up the heat, turn up your loving heart, and put the pressure on with exposure and Plan A.

Because right after you do a fantastic Plan A for at least two or three months, you still have another plan to pull out if that doesn't work. It's known as Plan B. And it also works. For now, you work on Plan A and you do your best loving and hardest work on this marriage. Make it matter, and make it count.

Schoolbus

The OW in my sitch is 19. It was difficult and scary for me, but I contacted her parents and let them know what was going on. That we were NOT divorced and no papers had been filed, signed, anything. They were very, very upset and I had several crazy conversations with her mother which ended with her parents telling her that if she has anything to do with him, they will stop paying for her school and disown her completely. WH is so worried about messing up HER family, that he has somewhat stopped speaking with her.

WH was extremely angry with me for exposing to her parents and ending his fairy tale "connection" with her, which caused lots of LBing behavior over a couple of weeks. So, I would advise you to keep that in mind so that YOU don't LB.

Good luck, I know that you can do it!