I just moved this post from the recovery section to this one.

Here is a scenario that has never happened, but I would appreciate your input in this hypothetical situation. The reason I am asking is because SH asked me to create an NC plan. In that plan, I am creating scenarios for what I would do if the OM shows up at my office, or tries to call me, or any range of possibilities. I’ve come up with a plan for every possible scenario except this one:

Supposing I’m at lunch with Mr. Z and my 5-year old and the OM walks into the restaurant. Mr. Z isn’t sure what he looks like, so I’m thinking that I would look at the OM, let the OM know that I see him, then turn to Mr. Z immediately so that he would know that the OM is there, and the OM would know that I’ve pointed him out to Mr. Z. Hopefully the OM would become uncomfortable and leave.

I presented this idea to Mr. Z and he said he would want to go up to the OM and confront him. I completely understand why he would want to do that, but that doesn’t sound like it would be the “right answer” from a marriage building perspective, especially if our little girl is with us. But, I totally get why he would want to rip his throat out, and a part of me kinda welcomes the idea.

From an MB point of view, (vs the reactive one), what would be the best way to deal with this situation? Has this happened to anyone? What did you do?

-Mrs Z

I realize you're trying to cover all your bases by concocting certain scenario's, but it almost seems a little weird. From my stand point, as the BW, it almost feels a bit like you're fantasizing. Maybe focusing on H and not a potential situation that may or may not occur would be a better way to spend your energy. Trust me, I'm in your H's shoes and I have my own fantasy as to what will happen when I run into OW. Let it be his fantasy, not yours. Also, it seems a bit soon. Concentrate on the two of you...March was not very long ago.

Fiori,
I appreciate that input, but this is an assigment the Steve Harley gave me to do. Mr. Z wants me to do the assignment as well.

From a marriage building perspective it is best to let your BH handle it as HE sees fit.

Sorry, I misread the question.

Hmmm...that's an interesting perspective. If you don't mind me asking, what does Steve say the two of you will get from this? I wondering how this is helpful. If that's too nosey, I'll pull back.

So, I'm guessing this is like when H and I talk about potential run-in's with OW? I have tons of ideas as to how I want him to speak or react to her but none of them ever really fly with him. I immediately think he's protecting her, but he says that's not the case, just that it's not really important any longer to him. I have doubts about that but nothing to back it up. Very often I ask him...'what about this?" "What will you say if she says that?"...How will you react if she does x,y or z?" He rarely says what I want to hear, so I suppose I see your point. Maybe if we're on the same page about probable sightings, it will be a smoother transition than I imagine.

See above

MEDC,
Actually, that's how I have the plan written right now. I don't think I can write up a plan that includes HIS reaction. That's why I'm a little stuck.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this situation and how they dealt with it.

If I ever ran into OM, they'd be picking him out of my grill.

Sure, it sounds RIGHT to me. Steve Harley and Dr. Harley often recommend such meetings. I confronted my H's OW to explain to her that her affair was ended effective immediately. She was very agreeable!

The only thing I would suggest is pointing out to your H that it would be horrific if he punched the OM or otherwise did something that would land himself in jail.

Kiwi,
I understand that NC applies to both the BS and the WS, right? So, along those lines, no communication means no eye contact either, like I suggested in the plan? That must seem trivial, but I want to get the details worked out.

Fiori,
The reason SH wants me to write this is so that I have an auto-response just in case I see the OM somewhere. It's just like emergency procedures. Mr. Z is a pilot and he is very familiar with this type of training, so he is very on-board with it. I remember going through training like this when I learned SCUBA. We used to do drills, one of them was in case we ran out of air under water. Well, we did this drill a dozen times and guess what? I actually did run out of air at 30 feet during a dive! If I didn't have that training under my belt, I would have paniced and died.

-Mrs Z

Melody,
Wow, that took guts! How did you feel after you did that?

It really didn't take any guts at all. SHE had a lot of GUTS [or stupidity, or both, who knows] to mess with a married man! She was lucky it did not turn out worse for her... She was WISE to heed my advice about the demise of her affair.

Mrs. Z,

I just experienced this two weeks ago, only from the BS point of view.

My FWH and I went out to a local place for a bite to eat, and when we walked in his OW was seated at the bar hitting on her newest soon-to-be OM. (So that you understand, this OW is in a marriage where she is allowed to have sexual encounters with whomever she pleases, and does so. Her BH does allow this, and while it "bothers" him, he has yet to stand up to her or place any type of boundary on this behavior. I personally believe she is a sexual addict.)

Anyway, there she sat. My H and I were quite uncomfortable, and at first he asked me if I wanted to leave. Initially, I almost did, but then I considered the idea again. I live in a fairly rural area, and option for eating out are limited. We go to this place often, and this is the first time in over two years that she has been there. This place is comfortable, and the fact is, I have run into her in other places - only not with my H around.

So, if I leave, what message does that send? Does it mean she bothers me? Of course, she knows it bothers me that she is there. If I stay, then what? It will be hard, yes. But I think, "I have done NOTHING WRONG. I have nothing to be ashamed of." So I stayed.

In your case, you are working on your marriage. You have made a turn around in your life. You would be doing nothing wrong, having a meal with your family, setting things right, going about your business. You are doing the right thing, now.

So stay.

And then, of course, the question comes up, "Do we say anything to her?" The big answer is NO NO NO NO NO. Not at all. That person is a total and complete non-entity in our world. That person came into my husband's life, and he engaged in a completely stupid and selfish act with her. It was destructive.

Why would we now initiate contact?

There is nothing to be gained from that. On my part, or on his part.

There is nothing there. NOTHING. It is an emptiness, a fruitless endeavor.

So we said nothing. We had our conversation with one another at our table, and we talked with the people who came in and knew us, as we usually did.


Only, my husband blew it. When he went up to pay our check, he waved at her.

I could have absolutely killed him. Now, why did he do that?

He said he felt like he didn't know what to do, as he was only about 6 feet from her, she was looking right at him, and he didn't know what else to do but acknowledge her presence. So he waved. He said he felt stupid, and didn't want to feel stupid. He said he was tense with her there, and felt tense before that, and felt tense going up to pay.

It was his first encounter since d-day, and he just broke.
He didn't know what to do. I suppose it was better than him going over and talking to her, but it just killed me that he even waved at her. I told him that if it ever happens again, the "new" plan means no waving, either. No contact means, no gestures either.

He said he knew that. He just felt so nervous and stupid that he couldn't think right.

I can see that. He isn't a poised-under-pressure kind of guy.

So, when you make your plan, cover your bases. Don't even wave at the OM. It kills us BS types. Remember that for future reference.

And just so that you know, this chance encounter with the OW has put me back on the rollercoaster ride. Things were going along fairly well, but that little trigger set me back. We are over two years out from d-day - you have a lot of work ahead, so planning for this kind of thing really is a very good idea.

I like that you are planning for it.

My FWH and I, well, we will probably run across this OW again. It is inevitable. Only next time, he won't wave, guaranteed. And our ability to handle it will have increased, because we have experience under our belt. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but there it is.

I hope this helped.

SB

MrsZ, the no contact admonition applies only to the WS and her OP. Now, it would probably not be WISE for the BS to continually contact the OP, but there is no reason a BS can't introduce himself to the OP. I would say he has at least earned the right to meet the person who screwed him over so badly and have a look into his eyes.

I was probably a bit quick on the edit button. Sorry.

I can only reiterate how it feels to be on the "other end" of meeting up with the OM's wife. Same scenario as yours but the other way around.

When the OM's wife looks through me as though I don't exist I feel ashamed, humiliated and 2" tall.

My H has always said he'll punch the OM in the nose whatever the circumstances (crowded restaurant or anywhere). Your question has made me realise that "we" need a plan as well.

Mrs. Z,

Actually you have almost already done what you need to do, in my opinion. If I were running your life, the plan would be this.

1. I would talk to H and tell him IF I ever see OM, and you are with me, I will point him out to you. I want you to understand I am not protecting him and I am transparent to you.

2. If the situation included our children/child or even without child present, then I would hope that you would understand my fear that you would confront him, kick his [censored], and end up in jail and/or in law suits which would bring him back into OUR lives.

3. I will do as you wish me to do in this situation, so tell me what YOU want me to do.

The plan would be what you and your H POJA'd.

What do you think?

God Bless,

JL

SB,
That is an incredible post, thank you. I am so glad that I'm writing this plan. I have written to Mr. Z that if I do see the OM anywhere (he actually has shown up at my work place to visit old "friends") I will not wave to him or even make eye contact if he is walking in my direction. Will that be awkward? Yes! But I don't owe the OM a damn thing, even a wave. If it's uncomfortable, so what! Maybe he'll stay away.

SH asked Mr. Z this question the other day. He made up a horrific situation where we had to suppose that Mr. Z's 16 year old daughter was raped. Then, he asked, what would bother you more, if MrsZ went to lunch with the OM, or if she went to lunch with the man who raped his daughter. His answer was, it would bother him more if I went to lunch with the OM. SH said that the vast majority of people answer that question the same way. So, if I look at the OM as something worse than a rapist, I don't need to worry about a little awkwardness because I wasn't being cordial to him.

My H and the OW still work at the same company, although as of Monday, different buildings (yeah). But, I get what you're saying. I've offered many scenarious of her prancing by his window smashing herself up to the glass to get a reaction. She's a very bold person so this would not surprise me at all. I, too, confronted her in the very beginning and have only seen her once since then. But, we have a very rehersed plan as to how he should act if confronted by her. It's funny, I never realized that was what we were doing. But, as with the wave, I'm sure my H would crack under the pressure. He's so aware of hurting other people's feelings....just not mine, during the EA. Anyway, thanks for a new way of looking at some stuff.