Well damn.

I thought we'd connect tonight, you know catch up and talk?

He suggested I do it right after I got back. He was going to go work out with me this evening but at the last minute insisted I take the kids.

So i take them and we have a good time. I brought him back his favorite dinner and he asked for a pack of cigarettes and i bought him a whole carton. I hate his smoking, but hate to be a nag more.

Just trying to be nice, ya know? Give him a few deposits.

Soon as I get back he informs me he's going out to do laundry. We have a perfectly good working washer and dryer here but it has backed up this week as our well was out for three days. I offered to go with him, he said no, it was ok, he'd handle it.

He kissed me on the cheek on the way out.

needless to say we didn't get to talk.

then...

I'm thinking I could at least get some work done. Got the kids all fed, bathed and to bed, even the baby so I was going to scan more documents. His computer has the scanner.

I noticed he had his yahoo up and it had a message. so i looked.

and yes I snooped. Something he's told me he really hates.

Something I told him I wouldn't do any more. I had a real problem with jealousy, something he HATES early on. One of his female freinds sent him naked, VERY naked pics of her self and he hid them from me. He did finally tell me about them, i didn't find them. I was curious why he hid them, but more bemused than mad.

He said he was surprised i wasn't mad. His previous wife would NEVER have let him have those pics. I kissed him and said I was sad that he didn't share them with me right away, but that I trusted him and loved him and that as long as things were solid between us, what 'we' looked at would only make us stronger, no matter who it was.

Then later, we start falling apart. No more talking. no more RC. No more SF. I don't know what i've done wrong! I ask, he says it's just 'him'. he's now 40 and just doesn't have a libido any more. I'm skeptical. 3x a day for months then nothing?? what gives? but i am supportive if frustrated.

Then I find out he's been chatting with some girl, a redhead on line. Plans to meet her at "spring war" an amtgard event. I find out, and call him on it, VERY upset. He gets VERY angry at me for snooping and not trusting him. I thought you TRUSTED me!! He goes to spring war. Tells me when he gets back that it was uneventful. doesn't mention anything else.

So leap forward 8 months. Yahoo messenger blinking tonight, remember?

It's from a 21 yr old girl. Redhead. he's wild, i mean WILD about redheads. He has been known to tell them, "you are redheaded? omg, i think my heart just stopped."

it appears she's been chatting with him for some time. invited him to her 21st birthday. she's obviously attracted to him. offered to party with him. he said he would like to, but has made excuses like he was working that weekend. She has been asking him over for some time, but he appears to be making excuses via the business.

SO, now that I've violated our sacred trust, and broken my promise never to snoop on him again, might as well go whole hog. I looked at the logs. They have been chatting for about five months. Doesn't look like they've done anything yet, but he sees her at Amtgard Events (midevil reenactment stuff like ren faire) of which he is a major part. He's been playing Amtgard for over 19 years and it's something he enjoys. I've always wanted to join him and have for a few events. mostly he goes by himself. He specifically doesn't invite me. Guess i know why now.

In five months of chatting, talking about showers and songs and Disney and basically flirting, he's never once mentioned me. mentioned the kids plenty, but not me. He mentioned he was planning a trip to Disney World this year, that I'M paying for (grrrr) and said he wished he could take her.

I see.

oh lord, now what? If i mention it to him, I've betrayed his trust. If I don't, I'm scared he'll have an affair, just when I'm trying to put us back together again.

I have chatted with people on line, but ALWAYS talked to him about every one. always got his permission. always shared what they said with him. And he's the one that suggested I chat with other people! Guess I know why.

Now it seems he's got this secret beautiful 21 yr old redhead in lust with him. How on earth can I compete with that?

And what do i say when he gets back from doing laundry? If that is even where he is...

And here I've been telling everyone here on MB that he is NOT having an affair and I totally TRUST him. which i did. till just five minutes ago.

I would go ahead and confront him.

Raven,

I know you're not married, but your SO is already having an A.

He's been in one for five months.

What does that do for breaking sacred trust because he broke it?

Not his fault you didn't protect your relationship. Knowing what he was doing online...not enforcing relationship boundaries with "friends" of the opposite sex...allows him his double life...which is why his first wife was protecting the marriage by not allowing naked pics of women he knows.

Doesn't make her bad...makes her invested in their marriage.

Did you break up his marriage? I haven't read your history...just caught that you guys aren't married...are the kids you talk about yours and his or together?

We all make bad promises in our lives...like promising not to know the truth only bank our spouses's version of it...it's the keeping those bad promises that ruins marriages.

Your H is WH and is cheating on you. What's your plan? You can't fight for your marriage, because you aren't in one...nobody vowed to not do this...so I don't know what to advise. He's not breaking sacred trust...it was you choosing to trust blindly which Harley says harms the marriage. He's not breaking vows, either...so is it cheating?

I think so...you guys have been playing house...so he's playing adultery, maybe?

You found out the truth...which is YOUR responsibility...way to go. That's huge. That's important. Best partnering is when we know reality and bring it to ourselves and our spouses...it's what we do in healthy parenting, too.

LA

Wow, that seems harsh...seems to me he may have broken vows, whether they're married or not. From her response, it certainly seems they had an understanding and he's not holding up to his end of the bargain! At this point I'd reconsider if they were intending to marry...but at any rate, she has some decisions to make regarding their present situation. If they have kids together, she may want to see a lawyer regarding her legal stance. Does she want to save this relationship? Is he willing to come clean, NC, etc.?

Kay,

Raven11 has a few threads going. I don't think she's been back to this one. If you click on her screen name and then "Users posts", you'll see a list of what forums she has threads in. She does want to save her relationship and she is working hard to do that.

She's given lots of information if you'd like to read up and post to her.

I understand you think what I said was harsh...I'm wondering what vows you think, though, could he have broken if he didn't make any in a ceremony? Do you mean, just to each other?

LA

I'm going to to post to this thread too in case Raven peaks in.

Raven, please read other threads.

We care about you. Even the harshest posters want what's best for you and your children. They get so angry and frustrated because they value each human individual life. Stellakat is the harshest, but I love her because she calls them as she sees them. And you know what else? She's really only harsh when there are children invovled. Stellakat is like a Momma bear when it comes to children, or her friends, or anyone else she feels like protecting.
Since she can't come and physically browbeat your SO into marrying you and being the perfect husband, she wants to protect you by motivating you to protect yourself.

LA and Committed and Melody Lane and Weaver all also have something important. If you aren't ready to deal with the living together without being married situation, at least hear them on the other issues.