Fiori,
I'm the same way as your dh, I feel I have to wave and say hi to everyone. That's why I feel it's important to write this down and get it cemented in my brain that I don't have to be cordial to this person. In fact, it's better that he is uncomfortable so he'll stay away.

Mrs Zonie

I assume your BH knows the OM's name.

When you run into the OM with your BH no need to give OM acknowledgement that you are aware of his presence.

Quietly point out OM presence to your BH. This way your BH is not caught unaware. Then BH can learn what OM looks like.

You can also work out BH's response. It's best to not make your child aware. Have BH not go to jail or get sued.
What response can he give the OM?

Stay away from my wife.

The horse is already out the barn on that one.

You being married didn't scare OM away in the past.

Threaten OM, so that OM can press charges.

A BH can not say anything that will make the OM remorseful. Or that will undo that the OM touched his wife.

What is a BH to do when the BH gives the OM a piece of his mind, and the OM just sits there and smirks. Or the BH is to big and the OM just sits there and shi$ts his pants. Then when the OM is alone an then smirks into his rear view mirror I nailed your wife.

Best response is to not acknowledge the OM for either of you. But on the down low to make sure your BH can see him.

My question is why don't you provide BH with a photo of OM?

Would it not be better if you could now provide your BH with photos of the OM?

Could the both of you do an internet search this way BH will never get caught off guard? Taking away the advantage of the OM getting the drop on your BH.

Also this way BH does not have to have your presence necessary to warn him that the OM is near him.

Then if you and BH run into the OM at a restaurant there would not even be a need to identify the OM. You could just say that the OM is here behind you to you left.

Here's my question, though....If someone is bold enough to knowingly carry on with a married person, does this person EVER really feel uncomfortable? I can't imagine OW even caring. She knew what she was trying to ruin and she went for it anyway. I dream that my presence would make her squirm, but when she was calling my house at 2:00am I doubt she was worried. It just seems like a consciousless (is that a word?) way of living.

That's a very good point...
Maybe if your H knew what he looked like he could prepare himself even more. Who knows, he may see him all the time and not know it.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been home these last few hrs with a very active 5 yr old. Anyway, I'll post when (if) she goes to bed.

mrs z

I agree with making it a POJA matter, since BS's probably vary in how they would want it handled. I have asked my husband to tell me if she ever shows up where we are. Pointing her out, or acknowledging her in any way she could detect, is not part of our plan. We've agreed that he will tell me she is there, and we will then make our exit as soon as possible.

Schoolbus

[quote]wave[/quote

Which finger?

One of the thoughts that MUST have been floating around in his brain is that HE was transient in her life. He may have already known that.

After your story, what SH assigned makes a lot of sense.

Larry

Yep, that's the hard part.

Larry

I have a couple of minutes, my dd is still awake!! She just started some ADHD meds and they are working into the wee hrs.

Anyway, I think I will give Mr. Z a photo. It's easy for me to provide that because I am one of the photographers at work. I have a whole digital archive of photos of everyone, past & present.

TheRoad, your post makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

Talked to Mr Z. about giving him a photo and he is thinking that it will put a face to his mental movies and maybe it will be counterproductive. I'll leave it up to him.

He may be right. I've found that my H's OW must be rather 'regular' looking. I can go anywhere from the grocery store, the craft store, Church, a music performance...anywhere at all and I see her! Soooo many people look just like her and it's freaky. Funny, I've never seen anyone who looks like me

I assume you work/worked with OM. What are the chances of your BH ever running into the OM?

MrsZonie,

I assume OM wouldn't walk into a restaurant to eat alone.

I'd tell my W and child to head for the car.

I'd walk right up to OM, and anyone else within earshot, and say something like:

"So, what's keeping you busy these days, now that you aren't f_cking my wife anymore, you f_cking a__hole?"

Without blinking.

Mrs Z and I are on the same page as far as what I need from her in this NC plan. I need each possible situation to be detailed, memorized, swift and effective if she EVER accidentally bumps into POS. What is missing is what I would do. The question was prompted because Mrs Z, DD and I were having lunch not too far from where POS worked, and lo and behold mutual friends (work colleagues) of POS and Mrs Z walked in. Not too far fetched to think that POS could have easily been with them.
I know the “right” thing to do is drop it and ignore POS. However, and I’m being honest here, I’m tired of thinking POS is laughing in his rear view mirror thinking “I’ve been banging your wife for a year and a half and you haven’t the cajones to even confront me about it”. He’d look awfully funny laughing in that rear view mirror with no F---ing teeth.
I know your responses before you post them. I have a responsibility to my M, Mrs Z, my kids, myself and all of that to NOT do what I WANT so badly to do. I get that. Sometimes turning the other cheek and taking the proverbial high road SUCKS. Her NC plan is coming along great and we POJA it. I think I really need one, because the only thing I want POS eating at a restaurant that I’m at is my fist. Angry? You bet.

Every now and again it's healthy to let the anger take over and simply let it flow. As long as you can harness it and use it to your advantage, it's ok to do! Keep on keepin on!

Mr Z -

My "plan" for if I ever need to speak to her in a public place is this:

"Clean up needed on aisle 6. You'll need the hazmat team to dispose of this much sh.."

Just kidding.

No, actually, I had to call her home once. I actually work in an attached sort of capacity with her H. I had an incident where I had to contact him regarding a child who had a death in the family, and he is in a leadership role in the child's school. I'm sure she about crapped when she saw my phone number come up on caller ID, but she answered anyway.

I told her the message for her husband. She said, "Is that all?" quite nervously. I said that was all, thanked her and hung up. Her voice was literally shaking the entire time she spoke to me, but I was perfectly professional and courteous.

There is nothing like treating someone like they do not have any impact whatsoever to just really set them back in their seats. At the restaurant, she didn't know what to do when I walked in. Her eyes were huge! She made it a point to walk by our table a couple of times to check me out - you see, I have lost about 55 pounds since she last saw me, and she couldn't fill her eyes enough.

Sure, I made eye contact, but she couldn't look at me. Too bad. I feel sorry for her.

Whoever said that my H knows that he was just passing through her life is right - this affair of his was only about sex, they both admit that. That is why I feel sorry for her - she is still out there searching for something to fill a huge void in her life, and believes that sex is the thing to fill it. What a shame. She is, and has been, so broken. Pity.

That's why I say she is nothing. Mr Z, your wife's OM likely also hangs his hat on sex to fulfill something he is missing, and is lost in the same way. He won't find it either. Look at him in his brokenness, and you will see that retaliation, or attempting to fight him to make something "right" is really pretty much worthless.

Because to tell you the truth, he isn't even willing to fight his way out of his own hole.

Why bother?

There is nothing there but emptiness.

In the meantime, you have your wife, your family, and a future with them. Your fight is at home, in the work it will take to forge the marriage together. The energy you would waste trying to convince the OM - don't waste it. You need to direct your efforts where it counts, and where it would be appreciated, and where it will grow bountifully ----- in your home and family.

My advice if you see OM? Look him up and down, shake your head at him in disgust and give him a look of dismissal like the piece of crap he is. Say NOTHING. Then, walk away with your head up, because you really do not have the time or energy to waste on cleaning up his mess. You will never regret it.

He may yell, he may call you out. You just walk away, because to engage him gives him credibility. Don't give credibility to something that has none, and is NOTHING.


I know the OW in my case sooooo wanted me to talk to her the other night. She waited for it, looked for it. Never. I don't talk to strange people.

Schoolbus

Schoolbus, you ROCK!

You know, while I was doing all of this posting, I didn't mention here to anyone this very important news (drum roll please)

Happy Anniversary Mr and Mrs Zonie, June 27

-A very happy and unbelievably grateful wife to a most amazing, intelligent, wonderful man

-Mrs Zonie

Mr And Mrs Zonie,

Congratulations!

You CAN make it through this.

I went ahead and gave my husband the post from the "why" thread yesterday for our anniversary. The reasons for recovering after an affair.

He said they were very good reasons.


I believe in my heart that it is all worth it. I'm glad you two are working on this - and that you're both here posting.

There will be many more anniversaries to come.

We are having our 33rd today!!!!!


Schoolbus

Thank you Schoolbus, we're having our 9th anniversary. Hey, where is the link to that why post? I don't think I've seen that.

Congratulations on your anniversary!!

I haven't figured out how to do links.

It's tfkeel's question

"Why??" is the thread. It's on gq. I will bump it.