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#2081382 06/29/08 02:09 AM
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My wife and I seperated a month ago and a week ago she left the state to go back home where she is from.. We have 2 kids together.. we seperated becuse i wasnt giving her attention and didnt see to her needs.. Im going to counseling to get my stuff straight and to work on myself now.. She said she tried to file for divorce and she couldnt do it because she said its permanent, and she never thought that she would be divorced and she pictured her whole life with me. she said she wants time to be by herself and work on herself.. One day she is being fine and the next day she is being cold.. Im not telling her that i will change because that never works and I will show her the change, and i stopped begging her to come back, I am just trying to leave her alone and give her space and i call every night to talk to my kids.. We had a good night and we talked and she said this was a good talk and if it keeps up like this then there is a good chance thatwe eill work out.. then when she left now she is a complete diffrent person. so cold and so mean.. She tells me now that she doesnt want to see any changes now and that she is not ready to work on the marriage. i dont know if she has other motives or what? how do i get her to be honest with me.. On her myspace page she has a song called "over you" by chris daughtry but then she is feeding me other garbage, by telling me she doesnt know what she wants yet and that she wants to go to counseling for herself and to try to forgive me for being an [censored]. what the heck is she doing? what if anything can i do and can expect? Is she doing this stuff because she is agry or what.? Can this marriage be saved? we have been married for 4 years now. Has anyone been here and is there a happy ending.. Any advice on what i can do?
Or is She just DONE??

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Hi Shyne,
I am sorry your here, but 'welcome' to MB.

Firstly, i would suggest you read up about Plan A.
I think from what you said you already have an understanding of emotional needs, if not check out the emotional needs page.
I hate to ask, but is there any chance your W is having an affair? i only ask because a couple of things you have said are raising a red flag.


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There are a few that have been there and seen happy endings. Most of them don't post any more.

Is there any chance your wife has been in contact with an old flame from her home town?

Did she take the kids with her when she moved? If she did, I suggest you get to a lawyer on Monday to find out what the risks are and what your options are. Here's the thing: In many states, ex's cannot move the kids out of state or beyond certain limits without court approval.

If your state is one of them, this may give you some leverage if she's having an affair in her home town. Nothing like a wake up call that the fantasy is just that.

I also suggest you go visit her and the children as soon as possible. You want her family on your side. That means they need to see you making huge efforts to save your marriage.

If you can afford it, it may be nice to give them some money for food since they must be feeding your family.

Meanwhile, do a search of the history in the computer. Get cell phone records to check calls, you need to make sure you know what you're dealing with. If she's not in contact with any men, you have a much better chance of getting her back without hard ball techniques. If she's in an affair, emotional or otherwise, you'll probably need to take more drastic actions, like exposing the affair, trying to get custody of the kids or force her to move back to your town, cut off financial support for her (not the kids), etc. So, you need to snoop just to make sure.


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Aside from an affair, is there anything about her FOO (family of origin) that may be contributing? For example, my wife and I have some serious problems because her mother abused her physically and verbally as a child, plus she watched her mother do the same to her father, so growing up this is the model she had for the marriage relationship.

Also, is it possible that she's depressed or has another mental health issue? To put it bluntly, if she's crazy, you will have a very hard time making progress.

That said, I agree, it does sound like there are some affair flags going up, simply because, as you tell the story, there doesn't seem to be any other obvious explanation. More details may help us to help you (and just writing it all out will probably help you put the picture together better).

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Im still paying all the bills hers and mine. I send them money because If i dont then my kids will suffer.. I still pay her car payment and insurance, because if i dont then again my kids will suffer.. I think there is a guy here in this town that she is talking to but she is out of state. When we first seperated she moved in with her mom and and she met that guy because he was her moms neighbor and he broke up with his girlfriend and she was spending alot of time with him and her mom found out and she kicked her out.. the sad part is that i pushed her away and into his arms.. She has all of her friends now from when she was in diapers all over there. her brother and her grandparents. she always told me that she wanted to go back and live there but i never wanted to..Her father passed away when she was 12 and her mom was very verbally abusive to her.. She is trying to check out emotionally with me.. that I know. what can I do? The reason she left was because she gave me an ultimatum and i was acting tough and and i was like screw that.. Boy am I kicking myself in the teeth now..

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What was the ultimatum? Obviously, that would be something to take care of.



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It was that things are going to be diffrent and that we were going to do things her way.. And I am taking care of it.. Im going to marriage counseling alone and not being so pushy and giving her own space.

Last edited by Shyne426; 06/29/08 11:33 AM.
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What things need to be different and that you'll do things her way?

I know it sounds like I'm prying, and I am. However, if you put all the flaws out there, all her complaints, we'll be better able to help.

None of us here is or was a perfect spouse. Some of us were neglectful, some of us were worse than neglectful, some of us were doormats, and some were nags. The more information we have, the better the advice, insights, thoughts, etc.

About the money... I think you need to talk to a lawyer again, and get some advice from your counselor if your counselor has experience in reconciling estranged spouses. It can be done. It takes time and patience. I remember one man over in the UK. He and his wife hadn't been living together for three years. He had been dating, she was trying to save the marriage. All of a sudden, she decides what's good for the goose is good for the gander. She starts dating and files for divorce. Once that happened, her husband woke up. He wanted to be married to her. He came to MB, followed the principles, slugged through a lot of frustration, and after a year or so, they are living together again. It happened really slowly though because of the mistrust that had built up over those years.


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she just wanted me to trust her more because 2 years ago she was hiding a relationship with a guy she said nothing happenend they just talked. and for me not to leave when we get into a fight and respect her more.

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Time to cut off the finances.

NOW.

You are financing the affair.

Stop paying the car and insurance, it's her responsibility as she wants out, it time for her to see for herself what out really means.

When she throws the children in your face (her first weapon) tell her they can stay with you until she finds a steady employment and a place to live.




Last edited by Pariah; 06/30/08 10:49 AM.

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Just a quick note to add that ultimatums are dangerous things. In a healthy relationship they should never appear; it's only when one person gets so frustrated that they feel it's the only way they can effect change. You either do what they say or they leave, take your pick.

This isn't really a fair way to negotiate. But one party will sometimes try it because they know, consciously or not, that they can manipulate the other person into doing what they want because the other person is more dedicated to the relationship and less willing to give it up.

I don't know of a good way to handle them; I'm under an ultimatum right now myself. I'm just trying to keep cool, not put too much pressure on myself, and continue to work on improving things. That way, in the end, if the ultimatum is acted on, I will be able to live with myself knowing that I did my best to improve things. I don't know if the same advice will work for you, but it might be worth a try.


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