Oh Brown that is awesome, mazel tov.

You must be so proud of yourself. I know I am for you.

How are you doing today? I am heading outside to read a book that I was given, calle the art of racing in the rain. He said it was the best book he ever read.

I'll let you know.

Thanks for your wishes, it really means a lot. I was happy briefly on Friday, I text H to let him know and all he could say was Well done!
I am ok, not one of my best days today. I was a bit low and ended up having an argument with dad. I am partly angry with him bcos he was quite demanding n i couldn't give H the attention he needed bcos of that. I know - it must make me sound like a horrible daughter. But I don't like much of what I have become as a result of H's affair. I have lost control of my emotions n I am not comfortable with that!

I have a hard time understanding you, Brown. Please don't take offense. We continue to have such a disconnect with each other. I think..

So are you saying that you are no longer working to recover your marriage because you feel like you do not have the emotional strength to do so?

If that's what you are saying, I can respect and understand that.

What I have been attempting to communicate with you, is that I've experienced you as having more EMOTIONAL STRENGTH than maybe you have.

Saying that I can RELATE to you, in my mind, doesn't mean that I think you are me. I'm trying to communicate to you that I don't experience you as being more anxious, depressed or whatever than I was....

I was a TOTAL MESS..I didn't think I could live without my husband..many here can attest to that...

WHAT HELPED ME was to do THE PLANS..because it gave me a GAME PLAN..a PURPOSE...

When I tried to do things MY WAY, I failed BIG TIME..and I so did not want that for you...

The more that I did it MY WAY, the more deeply my H fell IN LOVE with the other woman..and there were MANY WEEKS of that FOR ME..when MY WAY..set OUR RECOVERY BACKWARDS...

So right now, I see you not working on your MARITAL RECOVERY...without a PLAN...

Your choice..your life...

Mimi
Hi How r u?
I just felt that I needed to get myself together b4 I started on any plan. I haven't given up on my marriage. But i was miserably failing at trying to implement a plan.
I think I need to do a proper Plan A but since H has cut off contact with me - I don't know how that is possible.
Any ideas?

Your book sounds good - i just read the reviews - let me know what you think

You see here. I don't get this.

Do you think folks here "get themselves together" before they start the plans.

The PLANS are aimed at helping you "get yourself together". That's the purpose of a PLAN.


So we're back at SQUARE ONE, where YOUR LIFE is determined by what HE does.

Over and over again I've said to you...This is about YOU.

Do what is best for YOU...regardless of what he does.

So HE is back to CALLING THE SHOTS about YOUR LIFE?

I still ask you WHAT IS YOUR PLAN for YOUR LIFE?

What is your DEFINITE PLAN?

Go ahead and say it.

I would say as we speak TODAY..it is NOT working on your marriage.

I have an ANSWER if YOUR PLAN includes to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

If he comes back well n good, if he doesn't it is his loss n not mine.

Keep this thought at the forefront in your mind. Write it down and say it out loud several times a day.

Best to you!

Mimi
I want my marriage back, but I was struggling bcos emotionally I was drained. I also need to b happy with or without H.
I am struggling to find ME in all of this. The me that can exist without H if need be.

Thanks Dancing
I am going to try to keep that thought with me all the time

The answer to all of that is PLAN B.

With PLAN B, you gain yourself and a CHANCE at your marriage.

With your CURRENT PLAN, DIVORCE is more likely.

The difference with your current plan and PLAN B is that YOU take control of the situation and do not give him the impression that HE is calling the shots.

This is like WAR..about STRATEGY and MANEUVERS.

As Mortarman instructed me, BATTLE by BATTLE...

Giving him the PLAN B Letter, YOU say what YOUR CONDITIONS are for CONTACT with him.

He does not get the mistaken impression, that HE has you WAITING for him.

I guess you don't know my whole story but my H's thingy was that I would be sitting in our "dream house" WAITING for him until he finished IF EVER playing with the OW. During PLAN B, I put the house up for sale and it sold on the first day which is when he called me about reconciling. He was sure I was "moving on" without him...which I was..I was proceeding with a LIFE without him but with THE LETTER he knew if he met MY conditions that I was willing to reconcile...That will be 5 YEARS AGO..THIS WEEK...I put the house on the market the first week of July...

THIS IS A POST THAT I WROTE ABOUT PERSONAL POWER that can be gained by doing the MARRIAGEBUILDERS' PLANS

PERSONAL POWER

As I look back over my time here, I consider this one of the GREATEST GIFTS that I received from this forum.

I remain here for that sustenance.

The POWER helps me in my MARRIAGE to this day.

It weathers me through CONFLICTS with my H..yes CONFLICTS from which I used to FLEE..I walk head on into them and SPEAK MY TRUTH...and I see my H valuing ME and RESPECTING ME...AHHHH...PERSONAL POWER....I LOVE IT!!!

Becoming convicted to WORK YOUR PLAN will lead you HERE to where I am...

It has to be YOUR PLAN..not about HIM...

It has to be how YOU WANT TO CHANGE TO MAKE YOURSELF INTO A BETTER PERSON...

Then THE PLAN is REAL, SINCERE AND MEANINGFUL to YOU and that will be communicated to your WS and others....

Starting with the FOCUS ON YOURSELF prepares you for PLAN B which takes all the PERSONAL STRENGTH and CONVICTION a PERSON CAN BEAR...

It is hard to PERSEVERE AND ENDURE during PLAN B..it involves WITHDRAWAL from your WS and RECREATING YOUR LIFE...it did for me...

Yes, Plan B for me was ONLY 3 MONTH or so...but THE MENTAL PREPARATION, SOUL SEARCHING and LIFE CHANGES STARTED WAY BEFORE THEN on D-DAY...

I decided to CHANGE INTO THE NEW ME that I am today and have not turned back...and will not turn back...I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON EVER EVER AGAIN...

I have a sense of PERSONAL POWER and PURPOSE..my H knows for sure that I WILL AND CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM..I am certainly ENHANCED BY HIS PRESENCE IN MY LIFE..but also HIS LIFE IS ENHANCED BY ME....

I felt compelled to say this this morning...

I am so thankful for getting to this place...

It is VITAL FOR YOU GUYS..especially MY GIRLS..to get HERE, TOO...

YEAH, mimi!!! TELL IT!!!!

Amen to THAT!!

Thank Heaven for MB!!!!

Charlotte

But I don't know whether I am mentally prepared for Plan B, especially the withdrawal element.

Brown, I wasn't ready either. I thought I hadn't done a good enough Plan A, what if he forgot me, etc. What I had to come to terms was, my M was still disintegrating, WH had no intention of coming home and I was being destroyed internally.

From the moment of D-day, I was willing to do anything to save my M or have it restored and if that meant setting him free, then I prayed, prayed, prayed, and came here.

Going into Plan B was not only the scariest thing, but that was around the time that MB went down with the upgrade on the forum and I did it completely alone, well, not exactly. I had G-d with me.

You can do this. Oh it's hard all right, but think, what if what you are doing is not saving your M and in fact making it worse?

I know what you mean Q, but it is very hard.
I almost feel that he wants one of us to make the decision for him and I feel by going into Plan B I will make that decision for him.

Or you are letting go of the past, and trusting that G-d has a better plan for you.

It's a crap shot, no doubt about it. But what other choice do you have.

You can keep on this hope against hope, but what if this is what is stopping your M from being restored.

I didn't want to do Plan B. And I still miss my H, but he isn't there anymore. Yours is playing you and it's hurting you deeply. Your spirit, body and soul need time to heal. Trust these plans. Look at how many successes there are.

We have to TRUST and walk in FAITH. It's all we have here.

I am just terrified that it is going to go all wrong n i will make the wrong decision

So you think YOUR WAY is better than MARRIAGEBUILDERS?

No Mimi - that is not what i mean.
Am I not allowed to be scared?
It is hard to let go off the man that I have loved with all my heart (even though in essence he does not exist)