My situation seems a little different than most of the other affairs. My wife of 13 years was lonely because I had to work so many hours and would do others things w/out her during my free time. I ride dirt bikes, camp, fish, etc. I always thought I would be the one to screw up. She was very lonely and an OLDER guy at work began talking to her on the cell phone after work. She loved talking to him because he would listen to her.(Unlike me) She was becoming distant from me at the time this all started, so I poured on the charm, to the extent of even surprising her w/ a BMW for Christmas last year. The affair continued and became physical over time. She says it was terrible. He had health problem(diabetes/heart), so it was nothing compared to what she was getting from me. She would be w/ me sexually constantly as the affair went on. She says it was just filling an emotional void, that is cured now that I had turned the corner. His wife found out due to phone records and they all work at the same company.(NOT SMART!) She was leaving anyway in June as we paid our house off and she was to stay home with the kids. Now that time has passed, she realizes how foolish it was and that this guy was not someone she'd ever be with!!(You think!) Here is the problem/question: I'm 37, highly educated professional, fit/attractive guy who gets flirted w/ from time to time at work. I would NEVER have done such a thing but am somewhat compelled to now. She knows this is a risk as her friends/family always make comments about how good looking I am. She has begged me numerous times to not go out and retaliate. The thing is, I don't think I want anyone else. She is my dream girl, but I can't get passed that she has been tainted by some old dude that was virtually impotent. Funny thing is, when she told me about the affair, she went right to the point of how lame the sex was as she was laughing. We actually had sex an hour or so after she confessed. This is a christian woman that everyone we know worships to death. Most can't even believe it. Our relationship has never be better(both sexually and emotionally), but the thoughts come to mind all the time. How long til it(the thoughts) goes away, and is my slight desire to retaliate valid/normal?

Thanks!
OgleCPA

Your desire to retaliate and stoop to her level is very normal. A lot of us have been tempted and some have done it, but all it does is cause more problems. So don't even think about going there.

It will take at least two years to start feeling okay about things again. Sorry, I know you want to feel better sooner, but sadly, it takes time and consistent actions on her part.

The two of you need to focus on meeting each other's emotional needs and spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That will help rebuild the marriage.

Hi Ogle, I am sorry you here, but you are in the right place.

The above quote really concerned me and I wonder WHY she would feel the NEED to beg you numerous times?

Why WOULD this be a risk AT ALL and what are you doing to MINIMIZE that risk? Are you trying to make her worry about this?

Why are women flirting with you? And what are you doing to stop them? How do you conduct yourself at work?

I conduct myself professionally, but I guess that's what goes on in this secular world we live in. I don't encourage it by any means. I'm a target, trust me, and she knows it.

I think I did initially as a form of retaliation. It was wrong, but I haven't brought it up to her as an option in a long time.

I would put a stop to this NOW. You are harming your marriage by encouraging your wife to be jealous, OGLE. It will backfire on you. I have been in corporate America since 1989 and guys who don't want to be flirted with are not flirted with. Women know who is off limits and who is not. You have to set those boundaries yourself. Women do not flirt with guys unless it is welcome.


This needs to be corrected very quickly. It does not make you more attractive, but is a LOVEBUSTER that impedes recovery of your marriage.

OGLE, I understand your ego has suffered a huge hit, but this is not the way to restore it. The way to restore your ego is to recover your marriage and to fall back in love again. Trying to make her jealous will push her AWAY.

All normal. Who wouldnt want to retaliate...but you best not. I think you have bigger issues to deal with if things were so bad in the relationship that she went to a " old dude that was virtually impotent" to get some type of fulfillment. Why did she do that? Have you addressed the issues with a QUALIFIED EXPERT in counseling. I think it is more concerning for you that she went for a lame [censored] dude with a bad heart and a limp di@* rather than a bodybuilder stud. Your good looks and career success wont be enough to stop this from happening again.

Have you fixed the issues IN YOU that allowed for this to even be a possiility?

LM, MD

Points taken. Yes, we saw a counselor. She said we were the most advanced couple ever to deal w/ this tragedy. I was honest in the post. You're right though. I glad it wasn't a better guy or might have been up sht creek. I'm working on my issues as well. Thanks for the criticism. It was warranted.

OGLE

LM makes an excellent point that many men completely MISS. Good looks and career success might not be that important to many women. Silly men think it does, along with SIZE.


Ogle, you can find out each others most important needs by printing up the Emotional Needs questionaire and both taking it.

See, I think you still don't get it when you say this. If she would have went for a cardiothoracic surgeon who made high six figures and ran triathalons and played classical piano on weekends off would you be more up $hit crick than you are now?

Too me, it wouldn't matter, the problem would still be the same. There's a big lesson for you here to learn, and you still haven't gotten it. Keep looking.

LM, MD

Ogle, people usually AFFAIR DOWN. And rarely is it based on LOOKS.

Well, why stay w/ me then? Why not run off with this guy who talks on the phone for hours cause he has a lame [censored] job and wears a PINKY RING??! I don't understand. My wife tells me now my looks, sexual performance, career success, and parenting is what attracts her to me. She just didn't get the attention she needed and only wished I was the guy on the phone talking to her for hours a day. I'm a little confused as not every guys has every element a woman wants. My only weak point was not being attentive enough. I had all the other bases covered. Thats why she is so worried that someone else will steal me away. The crap I hear from women about their husbands is MindBoggling. My wife almost had the perfect husband. She says now that I'm attentive she has her dream guy.

Ogle....you make me laugh HOSS. I get you, and I understand you here....but looks, success, financial prowess was LESS than what this guy could offer her and she went for it. The attentiveness issue is your main objective now. You had to learn the hard way about this.....your wife has told you what she needs in the worst way posssible....I am hoping you can give it to her. Getting her to feel jealous of you with how many other women you could get will only allow her to affair DOWN again with someone else.....

Goodluck

LM

Well, guess what? That "attention" is probably her NUMBER ONE emotional need and your marriage is SCREWED unless you learn to meet it. All the studly good looks will not compensate for that lack, as you have learned the hard way.

The EN the OM met is likely CONVERSATION and it was enough to lure her into an affair. She needs YOU to meet that need in order to fall in love with you. Are you really meeting it now?

I give my wife all the attention in the WORLD NOW. She is my dream girl. I said I had a slight thought of retaliation. BTW - She will NEVER do that again, I assure you. On a funny(weird) note, I had a slight suspicion about the time it started(roughly a year ago) and confronted her. She said "NO", but a small pause was there. I think I knew she was talking to someone from work, but I gave her a little rope, not knowing she'd hang herself. I have fixed the attentiveness, but the thoughts are really all that's left. When they say affair down, how can that be as both were having an affair so most can't AFFAIR DOWN, it would average out RIGHT? Again, I thank you for your criticism. It helps!!!

OGLE

ogle...if the thoughts are all that still plagues you....you are normal. Time will heal that. YOu forgave, but unfortunately you will never forget...but that is ok......YOu can still have a great, new, fulfilling relationship with your wife. The thoughts will ease over time and wont tormment you the way they do today.

LM

I think the "affair down" is in reference to choosing an OP with lesser qualities than the spouse.

One last question!!! When she told me, I told her I was moving OUT. She didn't want that and offered to take the kids on a trip w/ her parents to PA and NC. They've been gone a week. I'm partying like its 1999, but I do miss them. We talk on the phone constantly. I'm home alone now for 5 more weeks to clear my head. It also seems to be punishing her because she says she misses me terribly. Was this a mistake?

Yes, it was. She needs to be home with you every day in order to BOND with you again. She can't do that apart. You need to be together in order to recover.