Where to start…….

Hello. I’ve been reading stuff on here for some time. It has been helpful in ways I can’t express.

Right now, however, I’m tired -- almost too tired to even care.

My wife had had two affairs over the past several years of our marriage.

In both cases, I found out about the affairs, confronted her and the OM and informed the OM’s wife. The first one lasted for several years (I'm left to guess how many) and the second one was only “hot and heavy” for several months before I discovered it. Both affairs involved relapses and renewed contact.

All this is several years behind us (first affair over 8 years ago and second affair about 2 years ago).

At one point we were on the brink of divorce – I actually said I wanted a divorce when she refused to see that several friendships she had with other men as dangerous to our marriage. At that point she told our oldest daughter (20). It devastated her. As I talked with my daughter about what was happening it broke my heart. She implored us to try and work it out. I guess I’m a push over for my daughters so I swallowed all my feelings and am trying to push through all this.

I’m pretty sure my wife is staying with me only because we’re putting our daughters through college and can’t afford separate households. If we had the money, I’m pretty sure she’d leave me.

I thought the days when I found out about the affairs were the worst of my life. I never imagined anything could hurt a person’s soul as much as that hurt mine. I’m not really sure my wife understands this.

After finding out about her affairs, I tackled the “problem” head on. I tried to be a better husband, friend, lover…I found this site (after second affair) and dug in. I’ve read “His Needs, Her Needs”, “Fall In Love, Stay In Love”, “Surviving an Affair”, everything on this site and all sorts of literature. At one point I convinced her to take the Emotional Needs Survey. I’m trying to meet her needs because I truly want our marriage to last.

Now, however, I find myself just lost. I’m don’t mope around, mind you -- I engage her on all levels – we try to have fun, we go out, we pitch in equally around the house – these things have been true for our entire marriage. Normally, when around my family and our friends, I’m upbeat and generally considered a funny guy.

But when I’m by myself or when I stop and think about how my life has turned out, I’m depressed. I question if I really love my wife anymore. Sure, we say “I love you” to each other and kiss and have SF. I do have a special feeling for her, I care for her and about what happens to her. I don’t want a divorce. I’ve never seriously considered suicide – just not me. But, alarmingly, I recently found myself thinking, “You know, if I were to die of a heart attack or stroke or something else right now, that would be OK.” Then I shake that off and come back to my senses. This is why I’m now posting my question:


What’s wrong with me?

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I'm reading that you worked on YOU, but I am seeing nothing about anything she has done to work on HER. I am guessing that is why you feel depressed, because you have not seen extra precautions on HER part to prevent this from happening again.

Did she establish NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with her adultery partners? Has she become completely transparent, allowing (and even encouraging) you to access her emails, cell-phones etc.?

Has she built boundaries that include not having her own male friends?

Was there exposure?

Has she rid herself of friends who may have encouraged or allowed this behavior?

What is SHE doing to help heal your heart?

Please give us a few more details about the situations. Were these men she worked with, found online, attended church with, etc.?

I'm glad you came here. There are a lot of people who can be a wonderful help to you.

Hang in there, man.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to persevere and have similar periods of hopelessness.

I just don't know how or if I will be able to forge ahead. But I do.

I understand feeling distant. How CAN you love your wife the way you always did after how casually and callously you were tossed aside?...

There are some here who are much further along who claim that it gets better, that holding the marriage together (from a betrayed husband perspective) is a hero's gig.

I do feel like I am sacrificing my very principles in order to attempt to salvage our marriage, but I wonder if what we'll end up with will ever compare to what we had.

Sorry, I meant to provide you with empathy and encouragement, and am thinking I may have achieved the very opposite.

At any rate, do hang tough. There are many here who can help you with insight and support that this weary recently betrayed man cannot give.

I wish you well.

All peace and strength,
TTH

I wonder if this is the crux of your problems TRY?

Let me tell you, what you had...sucked. That's why the A.

Let go of what you had.

Grasp what you can have. Trust me, it WON'T compare. It will be soooo much better!

iam,

respectfully, you have no idea what my marriage was.

You could not be more wrong about this.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be inspirational or helpful or what, but it comes off as condescending and ignorant.

Different people commit adultery for different reasons. Do not presume to know what my marriage was prior to her adultery. The fact is that you do not know anything about it.

The fact that it was so good for so long is a critical part of why this is so difficult to accept.

I'll get off this thread with this, and will gladly continue on my own thread if you wish.

I know you want to help. For that I appreciate your participation, but come on...

I apologize. I certainly did not mean it condescending and I am not ignorant. I have been in your shoes. I too live the hurt.

In regard to what you had before...Why would you want that if it allowed your wife to stray? That's my point.

Again, my apologies.

LiDC,

""I thought the days when I found out about the affairs were the worst of my life. I never imagined anything could hurt a person’s soul as much as that hurt mine. I’m not really sure my wife understands this.""

For any spouse to have a SECOND AFFAIR, to me, is such a HUGE deal breaker. It is entirely different than having the first A. Oh gosh I didn't mean to hurt anybody, I was addicted and didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't stop myself, OP is my soul mate....yeah, yeah, OK, do the NC letter, go through withdrawal, COMMIT to the M and we will rebuild our lives.

BUT TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE????? KNOWING WHAT THE FIRST ONE DID TO THE BS?

That 2nd one is not a mistake and can not be excused away. It is a cold hearted, pre-meditated, totally self-centered selfish act of betrayal showing the uncaring, unfeeling and utter disregard for the spouse.

AND IN YOUR CASE DISREGARD FOR YOUR DAUGHTER TOO!! Dragging her into it.

""I do have a special feeling for her, I care for her and about what happens to her.""

From what you have written here, she is not reciprocating.

""What’s wrong with me?""

You have settled for staying with your wife, and living with someone who, it sounds like, is about ready to rip your heart from your chest again. Like playing russian roulette.

In your sitch the emasculation has done a number on your self-esteem.

Have you read up on the 180 form of plan A?

IMHO

kirk

THREAD JACKING IS A NO NO, BOYS!

Take it to another thread, OK

iam,

There was nothing in our marriage that "allowed" her to stray.

She chose that.

I get your point, but again, everyone's situation is different...

Thanks.

I really don't want to T/J...
If you'd like, we can continue on my "recovery" thread.

I would argue that the first(or only), if continued after being found out, is exactly the same...

LostInDC,

Nothing is wrong with you other than you are depressed. I would strongly urge you to consider getting some anti-D's. I think your depression is situational and if you address it, you could be back off of them.

You have been asked some important questions, but let me use your quotes to repeat them or perhaps rephrase them.

You said
It is normal for children even adult children to want the marriage to continue. But you made a huge mistake and you continue to make this mistake. You "swalloed all of your feelings and am trying to push through all of this."

You should NEVER swallow your feelings. Part of "working it out" as your daughter phrased it is, working through your feelings and not swallowing them. You also don't push through, you "work" through this. Did you two seek counseling? If so what did the counselor tell you?

As you can see on this site recovery is about having a plan, about both parties working the marriage, and boundaries being put in place that offer the BS some hope that the marriage is now more solid.

Another part of this site talks about communications. You have not expressed to your W how you feel have you? You need to.

What do you need to tell her?
She needs to know this. Her reaction will tell you a great deal. You need help and she is the one to help you.

You also said
This may be a disrespectful judgement (read about them in the love busting section) or the truth. If it is the truth, then get it out in the open and then explain to your family that you and W will divorce when she graduates. She needs time to prepare as well. But, the main thing about this statement is you believe it, and thus you are depressed and feel hopeless. No time like the present to face this and learn the truth.

Please read the articles here and you will see that "radical honesty" is what is required. Radical honesty is not BRUTAL honesty, but it is required for a marriage to survive. Even if she does not believe this statement, you do and you are responding accordingly. Get to the truth...NOW!

You also said
What has she done???

Finally you said
Been there done that, be honest with your W and learn what she is thinking. You have done the reading, but it nothing is changed, then nothing changes.

LostInDC, it is time YOU took some action and the first action would be to be honest with your W and tell what you feel her intentions are and ask if you are wrong. Somethings need to change in your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Lost,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can tell you it's the safest and most helpful place you can be. It helped me survive and learn to wake up in the morning and just be.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. We all react to stress, crisis, etc in our own way and learn to deal with things the best way we know how. We have years and years of experience of reacting a certain way.

But here you are, trying and learning. YOU can only do what you can do. You can't control what or if she does or doesn't do anything. Trust me I have been there trying it.

You are in good hands here, please come back and keep asking for help as a way to sort through your feelings.

LiDC,

""I actually said I wanted a divorce when she refused to see that several friendships she had with other men as dangerous to our marriage. At that point she told our oldest daughter (20)""

I am curious as to why your W felt she had to drag your daughter into this.

Because she was upset that you wanted a divorce, begged and pleaded with you not to consider it, and told your daughter as a last resort to get you to come to your senses?

OR

Because she was very angry that YOU had the audacity to contemplate divorcing HER and in her anger lashed out at you by telling your daughter. Which will also deflect the attention from her shenanigans to you concentrating on easing your daughter's fears.

Or could there be a third reason? This daughter is yours and your wife's??

Stay strong. Anti-D's might not be a bad idea.

kirk

Try,

""if continued after being found out, is exactly the same.""

I hear you brother, but disagree.

The "addiction of the soul mate", the chemical attraction to the OP is still part of "the first A". These forces,"beyond the control" of the WayWard, cause them to continue the relationship. It is the "ALIEN from the MOTHERSHIP", that is dis-regarding what the BS is going through. The ALIEN is only self-absorbed in his/her pheromones and acquiring more.

Even though the WS now sees what it is doing to the BS, the FOG, and addiction, help blur the agony and despair of the WS's spouse because the WS is in such a state of flux and in their own kind of despair too.

But after the 1st A and a couple of years go by, and things go back to "normal" (whatever that is) and then the WS enters into another A, knowing full well what it does to all concerned borders on a sociopath.

IMHO

But isn't the process or mechanics the same in both cases?

Isn't the choice to stop or continue still there in both?

Whether or not the Wayward acknowleges the hurt they are inflicting, at some level they still know it's there. They simply don't care. They choose to do what they know is wrong. There may be some chemical influence assisting them in the wrong choice, but it's still and always theirs to make.

I guess I see a difference in degree rather than a difference in kind...

Crap,,,,,I know what I want to say, but I am having trouble getting it out and having it make sense.......But I have to get DS to practice, so I will try later on Try.....

not2fun

Try,

(hope this is not thread jacking!)

I guess, think of it like a straight heroin addiction scenario.

Innocent little pot smoker is offered some H to snort and next thing you know he is using the needle. His family, friends, etc discover it, tell him to quit, but he can't. Many relapses, because he is addicted. It tears everyone apart. And he almost loses all, but finally sees the light. Then goes through withdrawal, suffers terribly, realizes what he has done to all he knew. Becomes clean and "back to normal".

3 years later someone offers him some H to snort. HE NOW REALIZES WHAT WILL HAPPEN, WHO WILL SUFFER, AND WHAT CONSEQUENCES ALL WILL ENDURE....and he does it again.

Dealbreaker to me.

kirk

Thank you all for your responses, dialogue and encouragement.

I will try to answer all the questions soon with some detail.

In short, I guess I need to understand more about all of this than I thought I did. My wife doesn't seem to understand why the hurt would linger so long if I didn't want it to. I'm "dwelling" on it.

She told our oldest daughter because I told my wife I wanted a divorce and she knew I meant it. She figured we were headed to court and took the opportunity to be the one to "control" the way our daughter found out. I have no idea of what was said but when I spoke with our daughter with my wife present, she kept "explaining" what she meant. I was pretty raw with my feelings and I believe our daughter heard the truth (or at least my side of it). Our youngest daughter (18) doesn't know because she was in her senior year of high school and the distraction of "mom and dad are getting divorced" would have been hard for her and ruined a special time in her life.

I have been working on "me" on and off...my wife claims she doesn't need to do anything special or need any help.

We went to counseling at my insistence (nothing else was working) and I was told by the counselor that the problem was essentially mine. He told me I needed to stop reading my wife's email and checking her calls. He told me there should be nothing wrong with her having lunch with another man.

The problem is that I cashed in a bunch of chips to get her to go to counseling and it backfired.

It was in our last counseling session (where she got angry that I characterized her "friendships" with other men as affairs-waiting-to-happen) that I declared I wanted a divorce. I was angry, hot-headed and tired of letting my fear of making her angry control my actions.

I'll provide some more answers shortly.

Thank you all again for your support.

Lost,

Get in contact with a REAL marriage counselor. The reason you feel this way is that your W has done nothing but draw air in your home with the kids.

Further, you need to address the feeling that she is gone when the kids are. You need to do this with a real counselor. Spend the bucks on the Harley's and I think you will find resolution.

I am not a marriage at all costs sort of guy, but your marriage may have more of a chance than you realize IF you two get open and honest with one another.

She needs to know that YOU just swallowing it all is NOT working, as you are getting ready to throw it all up if something doesn't change and the one thing is your fear she will walk off when this is over.

Get a REAL counselor on this and speak with your W.

God Bless,

JL

I had two separate counselors tell me the same thing. F-ing quacks. Neither one of the "professionals" seemed to pick up on the fact that my wife was lying to them and was in fact F-ing "her friend"...

I was told that my wife had a right to her privacy. The fact that she was exploiting that, setting up secret email, having him post as some other person on her Myspace page, buying a pre paid phone etc has nothing whatsoever to do with "privacy" it was willful malicious deceit. Nothing less.

Sorry to say, but your wife is lying to and will continue to as long as she remains in contact with that POS...

Be strong, man!

If you don't want to put up with one more minute of her [censored], that's your right. Your daughters will learn from your example that adultery is not a good thing for the sanctity of their home, and that their father acted admirably and showed strength, love and compassion by attempting to salvage and restore his marriage.

You need to do enough to know in your heart that if the marriage ultimately fails, that it wasn't because you didn't try hard enough.

I wish you strength and peace.