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Starfish used to have a quote in her profile that went something like this: I have all the time in the world to get a divorce; but I only have NOW to work on my marriage Ask your friends to study up on Harley's work and then come back to you with concerns, if they are true friends and care, they will.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Joined: Dec 2007
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pheonix, Hey, I just wanted to say I have watched your thread from the beginning of MY time hear. It was one of the first ones I started reading. Anyway, I just wanted to say CONGRADULATIONS on the beginning of recovery...... I am so happy for you....and WS.....and Family.... and now the hard work begins....  not2fun
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Joined: Jun 2008
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It's natural to be scared. Your beloved husband had an affair and is on the path to recovery--of COURSE you will be scared he will relapse, it would be no different than if he were a recovering heroin addict--wouldn't you be scared he'd relapse if he were, same as this?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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They are really having a hard time in general with my choice to pursue recovery at this point. They are feeliing very protective of me and concerned. Any advice on what I might say or do, or what I can suggest to them in terms of supporting me/us now? Tell them THANK YOU for feeling protective!  Ask them to please continue to help you and bring it up if they feel like you are being DELUDED because someone here might not have the best BS detector! OK?? That is how they can best support you as a friend. I would also tell them that you have a couple of very good BS detectors speaking to your H and working with you. I know I feel greatly REASSURED knowing that Steve and tst and your pastor are working with him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 1999
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phoenix,
You might also want to tell your friends that you are counseling with someone that is a real pro at helping people restore their marriages and that your H is fully on board.
I think you can also assure them that you do have a good bs detector and that are much stronger now.
But, make sure you thank them profusely for their support in the past and their continued support. Ultimately, they and your H are going to have to meet and talk, but don't push that right now. Just thank them and ask for continued support. They have only heard the bad side for a long time so it will actually be harder for them to turn around than you, and it will take you awhile as well.
It does take time to overcome the damage. You know that. I am sure SH also told your H that.
God Bless,
JL
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Joined: Nov 2007
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hey - thanks a lot for the suggestions, guys. i tried to implement them. but honestly, it was a really tough night. the overriding feeling i sensed from them is fear. which of course left me feeling a bit shaky and doubting myself.
they don't know steve or his principles, so it's not carrying a lot of weight with them. they would feel a lot better if things were way slower, if i didn't even talk to H for six months or something. but none of them have ever been in this sitch, or really know someone who has - so it makes a lot more sense to me to follow steve's lead on all of this.
i also talked with my IC today and that was helpful. she really is confident that there is authentic repentance going on, and reassured me that in light of that trying to reconcile is something that God will honor, either way. He's not standing up there with His arms crossed wondering how i could be so stupid. if this attempt fails for whatever reason, He will be there just like He was before - if not more so.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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i tried to implement them. but honestly, it was a really tough night. the overriding feeling i sensed from them is fear. which of course left me feeling a bit shaky and doubting myself. How about CAUTIOUS? Cautious and CAREFUL and SLOW is a very good way to be right now, IMO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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