So my wife and I have been married for about seven years. We don't argue a lot, have a lot of the same interests and spend a lot of time talking to one another. We've had a great relationship and made it through some pretty tough times with no appreciable damage to our marriage. Having spent seven years hanging out with one another, we decided to have a baby last year around Christmas 2006, and within a couple of months, we were pregnant.

Around May of 2007, I suppose, my wife was acting a little depressed and "off", and her email account was left open one day, so I snooped around a little to see if I could get a little insight as to what was bothering her.

What I found was an email written from a friend of hers talking about this guy that she and my wife work with. We'll call him Dave for kicks. And we'll call my wife Kay. My wife's friend was going on and on in the email about how Dave was putty in Kay's hands, how he expresses his undying love for her, and how she could easily see why Kay would "cave in to him".

Needless to say, I literally felt like someone had hit me with a brickbat. I called my wife at work, demanding that she come home immediately. She did, and proceeded to lie to me about how she hadn't really had a crush on this guy and that nothing was going on and that her friend was just "teasing" her about nothing. That made zero sense to me, so I continued on pestering her until I reached the next level of truth, which was that she had had a crush on this guy, but that he knew nothing of it and that it was harmless and over within a month.

I didn't believe her. My wife is a horrible liar, and I'm pretty decent at sniffing out a lie from almost anyone. I dropped it for the time being because I was tired of her lying to me, and I let it go.

Let's fast forward to my wife's birthday in May of 2008, and the party that this same friend was going to throw for her, to which I was noticeably not invited. I asked a few times about the party just out of curiousity, to see if she would ask me to go, which she did not. When I asked her nonchalantly a couple of days before the party who was going to be there, she told me it was a girls only thing, and that she really didn't know who all was going to be in attendance, but seemed very evasive in general. I immediately became suspicious, and decided to ask the next day why she hadn't invited me to her party. She told me it was only a girls thing, and I told her I thought she was lying to me. She was, of course, and eventually admitted that Dave might be there, but that she didn't know if her friend had invited him. Later she admitted that she knew Dave would be there, and that she didn't want him and I to have to share space for her party. I think she was lying about this, and wanted him there specifically. I don't think this little "crush" is over.

Throughout the entire thing, I've always felt as though Kay has been leaving a large chunk of this story out. She's become extremely indignant when I've insinuated or said this, and even gone so far as to literally swear on our son's life that she hasn't left anything out or that she isn't lying.

I went out the other night for a get-together with Kay and some of her co-workers to see one of them off to Iraq. I stayed for a little bit after my wife went to go pick up our son from the babysitter, during which time this Dave character arrived. I really expected a cool guy by whom I should feel threatened. Not so much. He's a tall guy with dark hair and is reasonably good looking, but a little on the dorky side I think. Besides, he's a kid. As in like probably 23 or 24. My wife is 33 and I 39. I digress.

When Dave arrived, he introduced himself or spoke to everyone but me. He knew what I looked like or who I was because someone else had addressed me as he walking into the room. He simply passed right by me, intentionally looking away from me so as not to have to meet my eyes. During the time I spent there, one of my friends kept telling me, "That guy behind you is staring at you." I could feel it. He eventually switched tables and actually spoke to me, but he seemed very nervous to me. All night long I caught him looking at me in an odd way. Very creepy.

The next morning I confronted my wife about it, and let her know that I had figured out the missing piece to the puzzle. They had both had a crush on one another. It hadn't been a little small one way crush. After two hours of her lying and changing her story no less than six times (no kidding...like six different versions and elevated levels of truth) to me again, she finally admitted that they had both had a crush on one another, but that it was harmless. She swears nothing happened.

Here's how I feel. I feel like my wife is telling me only what I am able to either prove or make a very good argument for at the time. She swears she never touched him, but I'm not so sure of that. If this little crush was so insignificant to her, why would she have lied to me for over a year about nothing? Previously, I had had absolute trust in my wife. I had never trusted anyone more than her. She was the best friend I have ever had. Now if she told me the sky was blue, I'd go check for myself to make sure it wasn't pink.

My question is: How does my wife regain my trust? I still think there are parts of the story she is leaving out. I have no way of finding out the missing piece. I don't know her email password, and even if I did, I don't think I would want to find out that way. I just want her to tell me the truth about all of this so that we can move on and begin the "healing process". I know she is leaving something out, because she's done it all along by giving me what I have come to call "degrees of truth" - escalating the truth of the situation very gradually. Of course, this just makes everything worse for both of us by dragging this out. Until she comes to me willingly and tells me what is missing from this story, I'll wonder forever, I suppose, what my wife really did. And until she shows the fortitude to tell me this on her own, I don't know if I can ever trust her again. She's done a lot of harm to our relationship, and I feel like its time for her to step up and start repairing it by coming clean.

Thanks for letting me rant. I'm long winded, and you all have both my sympathy and apologies for this.

Safe Travels,

Boogs

There is alomost no chance that your wife isn't actively commiting adultery.

Please learn as much as you can as quickly as you can and act swiftly in ending this. She needs to stop seeing / contacting him immediately or you will find yourselves in ruin.

PLEASE heed this warning. It comes from a place of hurt and understanding.

Boogs,

re-post this thread on the General Questions board. You'll get much more traffic and subsequent help.

I am so sorry for you, man.

Nothing sucks more...

I disagree that she's DEFINATELY engaged in a physical affair. But, be sure that she's most likely headed that direction. My H had a several month long EA that began as a simple crush and escalated into her basically stalking him. He, being stupid and weak, did nothing very strong to send her packing. Now, many months later I still struggle with the rebuilding phase. We were always "that" couple. Our friends and family were so sure we would break the mold. So, here I sit...I'm broken all right. And, it's the same. They work at the same company. Fortunately, he transferred her to another boss and has now switched buildings himself. But, I need 5-7 states between them before I feel safe.
This weekend I learned an important lesson...for this to work, most of the work has to be done by ME. Yes, he has to be 100% committed to our marriage and he has to make many, many concessions, but really the tough job is mine. I have to forgive, I have to forget, I have to 'get past this', as he says. It's all a process. One that you will NOT be able to begin until she admits to the truth about what is going on and stops it completely. This will be the hardest part. You will not understand how she says she loves you but acts like she cares about herself and him more. You will hurt, you will lose weight, you will feel sick and nervous. BUT, if you love each other and you can weather the toughest storm ever, you will prevail. Please, talk to her. Hey, maybe talk to him. I did...it did not do any good, but it made me feel better. Do some snooping but don't show all of your cards. It's time for you to be the smart one here.

I've thought about talking to him. I think I'll wait a bit and see if she comes clean. In my thinking, if I have to control her, we don't need to be together anyway, and going to talk to him is a measure of control. Its really not my style. After all, its not as if she's a 5th grader who acted out in class and I need to go speak to her teacher. She's a grown adult. She knows she's doing damage to the relationship by not coming clean, but won't do it out of fear that I'll leave her perhaps (which I doubt I would do in any event - I won't lose my son for anything).

The saddest part of all of this is that I feel like I've lost a great and trusted friend. I'd never had anyone I could be as open with as her, and now I don't know when I can trust her again if she won't come to me and tell me what happened without her filtering it.

Boogy,
You will be able to trust her again! It will take a very long time but it is possible. Honestly, I'm not there yet completely, but my husband works daily to put me at ease. As for your wife, you have to understand she is not herself right now. Remember the 'high' you had in the beginning when you first met her? Remember how you just HAD to be with her every moment? This is what she's feeling right now with OM. Not because she does not love you, but because she's posessed by her ego. You're a comfortable old shoe and he's a beautiful pump (high heels). She wants desperately to wear the pump, but when he feet begin to hurt she goes back to the comfortable shoe. I know it seems weird to be characterized that way, but it's really not a bad thing. She'll wear that shoe as long as she can, but the comfort is where it's at. You need to show her that home is where she needs to be. You need to be her rock. But, don't be stupid. Collect information, do some research. Learn about what she's doing and who she's doing it with. You have to be very cautious and diligent. Trust me, she's not intending to trash your marriage, but you have no idea what BS he's feeding her. He probably told her you leered at him during the recent work outing. If there has not been any physical contact, you can pull her back from the edge. Trust me, it will hurt and she will test your love. She will also take advantage of her comfort with you as her husband. Do some reading...research Plan A and put it to use. Modify what you have to to suit your situation. You sound like a man who dearly loves his wife and best friend. Now, she needs to know how committed you are. And, DO NOT LEAVE your house. It's absolutely necessary that you cement yourself right there and go nowhere!!! Good luck...we'll talk more tomorrow.

Wait...I see your son is 5 months old. Heck, she could be totally horomonal. He's capitalizing on this. Can you make her feel beautiful? How does she feel after the baby's birth? Does she seem angry that she's had to return to work this soon? Could she be taking her guilt out on you? I don't know your scenario, but these things are possible.

Moderator...
Shouldn't this be moved to a higher traffic area?

Just delete it. The same thread in the GDII section has four pages of replies. Thanks in advance.

Discussion moved to GQ11 at posters request: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2082192&fpart=1