I felt the same way you do prior to my wife deciding to bang her "friend" in our home while I was at work.

Try not to blur the line between pride and dignity. I would have loved for my wife to smarten up and stop engaging her married [censored] philanderer of her own volition, but it just didn't happen.

Standing up for your child and marriage by using whatever you have at your disposal is the single most honorable and noble thing you can do.

You are the only sane person in your home. You are the only one who can protect it.

Do whatever you can do NOW so you won't have to live with the sobering thought that you could have done more. Believe me, you don't want to have to wake up and fall asleep for the rest of your days with THAT maggot in your brain...

Leave no stone unturned.

Expect NOTHING from your WW.

You can and will be strong for your child.

Oh yea,

expose immediately at her work. Do not let this A-hole defile your wife (even if she wants it).

Stand up for her.

You must love,honor, and PROTECT her, even if it is from herself right now.

If she does love you, someday she will see your actions as honorable...

Right, ILMH???

p.s. snooping is a VIRTUOUS ACT that can affair proof your marriage, Boogy. It is especially VIRTUOUS when you have strong reason to believe that pertinent FACTS are being withheld ABOUT YOUR LIFE. YOUR LIFE, Boogy. This is information that is being WRONGLY AND CRUELLY WITHHELD from you.

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy another person behind his back. PERIOD.

You are not snooping on your neighbor, but snooping on your WIFE who is withholding information that is CRITICAL to your marriage and your LIFE. You have an OBLIGATION to find out what she is hiding so you can protect yourself and your child.

I can see now why this has been allowed go on for so many years, Boogy. You have clearly stuck your head in the SAND. Why?

Boogy, you are fighting for your marriage. As everyone else has pointed out, you are expecting trustworthy and "normal" behaviour from people who have proved themselves untrustworthy, and you are expecting everyone (the OM, your wife) to do the right thing. As an FWW myself, let me tell you, they will NOT be coming out with true confessions any time soon. You are not dealing with your wife hiding a purchase from you on the credit card - you are dealing with an A. Your W (while in the A, whether it is still an EA or is now a PA) is NOT the adult, trustworthy person she was.

You will HAVE to snoop.

Boogy, listen to Jen, she is right. While you wait for them to become what you "WANT" they are having a good ole time behind your back being what they ARE. This has already been going on for some time. Ya want FIVE more years of this? :eek:

Boogy,

You don't want to find out that way because it will hurt you or because you want HER to tell you?

Let me tell you what, Dude, when I found confirmation of my WH, Mr. Gray's A it was all, "we are just friends," blah de blah blah blah, bullsh*t, bullsh*t.

I had the stuff right there under his face and he denied it. I tried to call OWH and mail him the info but it was intercepted. He was in denial for months and they had him thinking I was mentally deranged, etc. Demonizing me.

Did I want to install a keylogger? Heck no!! I did it a few scant days after I confronted him and I figured he would find it and I would get caught.

Well, God blinded him to it. Gray is an IT Administrator for Pete's sake!! He even LOOKED for it!! They TALKED about if I did or not.

Yeah, believe me, it's not pretty. What they say to one another when they think no one is looking.

So don't TORTURE yourself with it. But collect it in case you need it. Because you very well might. Make extra copies and store them "off-campus" too.

As distasteful as it is, you MUST do this. It's a necessary evil.

Charlotte

just to add to what others have said.....

You are here because your reality is confusing you. You dont know what to believe.

As one guy to another - you have a right to know the status of your marriage and family and you need to know if there is a third person interloping in your marriage and family.

other wise you will go through life wondering what the hell happened and why didn't I do something while I could.

Boogy...I KNOW in advance this is harsh...but if you are NOT willing to do the work here to find out the truth and then act on it, I suggest you start developing a taste for the OM because your wife will continue screwing the both of you as long as you remain passive about it.
YOu are getting great advice here, I suggest you follow it.

boogy,
You have this running in two different places and it's confusing. I've replied on your other thread...Where do you want it to be? Here or there? You will get more traffice here. maybe a moderator can move the other info over here.
Possible??

Do you guys really think she is having a full blown affair? I've felt that way on and off.

We're moving in September close to where she is from so that I can go back to school and eventually pursue a law degree. That will seperate these two. I suppose that if she didn't come clean by the time we move, I could simply move to a different house in order to be close to my son. I just don't know that if I stay, how I will get through this if she won't be honest. Forcing her into honesty seems emotionally disingenuous, and really diminishes anything she could do to repair this relationship. I know its unlikely, but if she would simply come forward and tell me what's been going on, I'd have a whole different attitude about this. If that doesn't happen, its possible we won't be married next year, and I'm not going to resort to spying on her to make her be honest to me. If she was my child things would be different, but she isn't. She's my wife. There are two ways this plays out - 1) She confesses and fills in these blanks and we make things right together, or; 2) She tries to keep me in the dark and things deteriorate, leading perhaps to seperation and divorce.

I understand what all of you are saying, but at the same time, if I have to force my wife into honesty, what's the point? If she doesn't want to be with me and wants to be with him, what good does it do me to force that to happen? Maybe I'm being stupid here, but I someties think that by the time someone is hanging out with someone, having drinks, flirting and telling her friend that she's hot for this guy, its just a quick step away from being over anyway. I'm not interested in forcing anyone to be with me.

Please keep the advice coming. If I change my mind, I'll need it. I've thought about calling her mother, with whom I have a great relationship. Is it appropriate for me to call her without my wife's consent?

Here please. This was my first post, and I posted it elsewhere in the beginning and then Trytoohard was nice enough to tell me to scoot it over here.

Boogy, my H had to confront me about my A. Granted, I did confess immediately once I was found out. The NEXT time (same OM three years later) I didn't confess again. You are expecting a person who is not even thinking like a normal human being to behave rationally. Yes, she's your wife and an adult but this isn't normal circumstances. BTW, my H and I are very successfully recovered. We both wanted that. My H didn't want to "force" me into recovery either. He wanted us to both be on the same page. That is EXACTLY what MB is all about. You are NOT dealing with normality here.

I wasn't on the same page at all at the beginning. I was miles away from it and I stayed that way, withdrawing and foggy, for nearly a year. But my H thought our long marriage was worth it and, more importantly, he thought I was worth it.


Yes, the old "wants to be with him". I'd bet the farm she doesn't really want to be with him. Sure, the idea might seem exciting but if she's held on to any sort of reality whatsoever, she'll know the reality isn't going to be anything like the fantasy.

Why are you giving up so easily? Do you love her? Do you want to be married to her?

I would bet real money on it.

You are NOT forcing her into honesty...YOU are getting information that is critical to your life. You have already let her have at him for a year after discovering the truth and KNOWING she is lying to you.

*edit* There is no "maybe" about how you are being right now...and bottom line is, your wife can't respect any man that would allow himself to be a cuckold.

Fight this or walk away. But stop avoiding conflict for some exceptionally misplaced ideals.

Of course I love her. But I don't know how I can get over this. She's lied to me so much about all of this, and even though I hope that she isn't actually having a physical affair, I'm sure there have been drinks and conversations in low tones, heavy flirtations and God knows what else. How do I get over this? How do I trust her again? If I have to force her to tell me the truth, how can I ever think that she is going to be truthful again? I don't want to live the rest of my life babysitting my wife, spying on her (she needs to tell me thr truth...I won't ferret it out) and wondering to whom she's speaking. That's not a marriage. That's day care with sex thrown in.

Incidentally, since we had a big dicussion the other night about this whole thing, wherein she assured me that she was telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (although I know for a fact that she is still leaving stuff out of the tale...someone let something slip recently that she didn't divulge), we've been having sex a lot - as in every day. Is this healthy? Is this the right thing for me to do? I almost feel like she's trying to assuage her guilt by screwing the hell out of me. I'm so hurt of course and emotionally wrecked that I go along with it because it provides me with the short lived feeling that maybe things are really okay.

I'm confused...a lot. I do love her but damn am I ever pissed.

Yes, she is.



No, it is not disingenuous to bring the truth out in the open. It is your obligation as a husband and a father who wants to save his marraige. She won't be honest NOW because her secret is hidden, because her H has his head in he sand saying foggy things like this.


ok, can we deal with reality here? If she simply came forward and told you about the affair you wouldn't be here, would you?

EARTH TO BOOGY!! EARTH TO BOOGY!!


That only means that you won't "resort" to saving your marriage, which is silly - and irresponsible. You have every right to snoop when you know pertinent facts about your life are being withheld from you. you have a RIGHT to know each and every word she utters. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair.

You have odd and incorrect notions that somehow snooping is bad. IT AIN'T. Do you think the police are being bad when they snoop on drug dealers and bust them?


OR, you man up and find out the truth and address the problem like an ADULT and save your marriage. You act like the head of your household and take action to protect your family and your marriage instead of allowing the OM to destroy your marriage because you don't "like" snooping. There is no reason to believe she will confess and there is no reason to allow your marriage to deteriorate when you have better options. EARTH TO BOOGY!


The point is to get the truth out on the table so you can save your marriage. Thats the point.


Boogy, we have all saved our marriages from affairs and many of us are in happy, healthy marriages today. Can you make the same claim? Do you want what we have?

ask her to take a polygraph exam. She won't because she is lying through her teeth and you are making real easy for her.

This is what is happening now, no?


I completely understand this. I felt the same way.

Look at it this way, you have already lost her. What do you have to lose? Do whatever you can to get to the truth!!

A lot of the time, maybe even most of the time when these A's start, the affairees regress to "teenage-hood."

Loud music, fast driving, making out in movies, keeping secrets, giggling and talking a lot on the phone or otherwise, etc.

They get emotionally charged from being around each other. And it just gets stronger and stronger. That is why you need to act and not react. Act NOW.

Charlotte

But that is exactly what you have been doing all this time, trying to ferret it out. TO NO AVAIL. What you think she "needs" to do is irrelevant and is not likely to get you the truth you seek.

My H no longer "babysits" me or checks up on me. I was a mature (debatable) 48 year old woman when I had my A but I accepted that for a long time I was going to have to be accountable. You are still talking as though things are "normal". This is a whole new reality. As others have said, face it and fight (which I gather isn't your nature - it wasn't my H's either but he proved himself a man to be reckoned with) or walk away now. You have the opportunity to have a very good marriage. I see in your other post, this happened in your first marriage. I can understand you being leary.


I did this after I was found out because I wanted to try to rebond with my H. He also wanted to reclaim me. It's called "hysterical bonding" and often lasts quite a long time. She may be doing it through guilt - she may be trying to reassure you. It's very normal. She is probably very frightened right now. She probably sees that this may be the end of your marriage and that is probably not what she wants at all. I really think that's why you're not getting the whole truth. She's terrified.

Texting, IMing, hanging out with her friends after work when I'm not invited. All of this has been going on. I just have no way of knowing who she is texting, IMing and emailing. Even if I did, I'd feel slimy spying on her. I know it seems stupid, but I grew up in a house where my mother did this a lot, and I have a bad taste in my mouth for it.