Ok. Sigh.

We filed about two weeks ago. I was actually more of the one pushing it to go quickly. But I'm so upset about it all. He sent me some old pictures of us saying he was just going thru his old pictures cleaning up his computer. We were happy then (2000-2002). Really happy. He was my rock, my love, my warmth. I get teary eyed just writing this. There is a part of me that still feels this way. He says he misses me, that he feels isolated. That he was used to me being around. But I don't think he feels in love with me. After we got married, he really began to take me for granted. He got lazy with our relationship. Most of our marriage was him drinking liquor in front of his stupid computer. Our oldest child who is 3 now would even say "Where's dad? I'll go check his chair." Because that's where he always was. When I was pg w/her, he just treated like whatever. He didn't help me out. He began to drink even more and complain about his own aches and pains more and more.

I was so big and pregnant and working full-time as a teacher. I couldn't believe he was there feeling sorry for himself and couldn't even offer me any sympathy. It was a little better when I was pregnant with our 2nd baby, but not much.

So. He began to complain about how much work sucks and on and on. Every day he was this angry and irritated person. I began to grow so tired of it. I don't know what happened to him. He wasn't this way. I guess family and responsibilities are just too much for him. Maybe he is a "rolling stone", as they say.

I think the worst of this whole thing is that I feel my heart is broken. I trusted him and thought he'd be good to me, especially in tough times. And he totally broke my heart and ruined my trust in him with all his drinking. Even in the end, he refused to get help. Now, he claims that he doesn't drink "that much" anymore. That is was the marriage stressing him out. He blames me for it. He says it's more under control now.

So, I don't know.

i'm still in love with him for some reason. Maybe in love with who he (we) used to be. We were so in love and just had such a good wonderful time as a couple. I can't believe it turned into THIS.

He ended up telling me he hated his job so much in CA that he wanted out. So I helped him find a new job. He got hired in Georgia. We moved 2000 miles. Then 4 weeks later, he announced that he was quitting and, no, I didn't have any say in it. This was the straw that broke the old camel's back. I couldn't believe he would just tell me this after our family moved so far. That he would no longer work. He agreed I could stay home till our 2nd was 3 years old.

Now, he has resigned. Now he has no job and is going back to school. I'm with two little kids and no job either. My dad is letting me live with him (I drove 1200 miles to come be here with dad). Thank God he is letting me stay here but it's so hard! Me and my two girls share a small room together. I am looking for work but finding childcare is so so so expensive. But, I'll find something cheap eventually as i look around.

I'm in such bad shape. Emotionally I'm so sad. Sad. I don't want to date. I thought I did for a litle while but realize it would just be to numb the pain.

I don't know what to do.

Part of me feels like trying to cancel the whole divorce before it gets processed. Part of me feels I'm in denial about his alcoholism (yes I'm in Alanon in case you're wondering). Part of me just doens't know.

My self esteem is blown. I feel ugly. Stupid. Tired. Old. Run down.

Quit blaming yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic and the MB program won't work for him. Glad you are in Alanon. Hopefully you will be able to get some child support. You don't feel like it now, but you are better off without him as long as he is drinking.

You do not want to be with someone that is an alcoholic. That is what he is.



I am sure it is broken. But you can fix it and be even stronger.


Unless he quits drinking completely, it will ALWAYS control him - period!!!


You have a good Dad.


Perfectly normal feelings. Most of us here felt that way during our divorces. The fact is though, you are none of the above. You are just hurt very badly.

Have you considered going to a divorcecare class? (see divorcecare.org).

The journey ahead of you is going to be tough, but you can do it. You will become stronger and more independant. And you WILL be happy again.

PurpleRain, you're going to be fine. You're doing the right thing. He's an alcoholic, and you cannot compete with that. If he gets sober, you can always remarry him.

You need to file for child support asap. Just because your H quit his job and doesn't want to work, doesn't relieve him of his responsibility for supporting the children. Many states look at several years of income and come up with an average of what he should be able to earn. Sometimes, this is really unfair as when your industry is drying up like the skilled manufacturing jobs. On the other hand, they do it to prevent deadbeat parents from quitting working all together.

Can your father watch the children during the day? Or can you pick up some shift work in the afternoon and evenings? Since you are a teacher, why not see if you can tutor children for the summer? You could even do that in your Dad's house if he's okay with it. An old friend of mine actually has a learning center, and the hours are from 2:00-9:00, I think. If you worked in that kind of place, you could get a teenager to babysit in the house. Teenagers are a lot less money.

On 05/16/08, you posted:


This current post is entitled "I am a total wreck. In midst of divorce. Help."

And you state "We filed about two weeks ago."

Which post is the untruth? Why would you tell us one thing, then describe your situation as another?

Lucks,

I dont get your question. We filed two weeks ago and the divorce is being processed (it takes 30 days), so we are in the midst of divorce right? That's what I thought. We aren't technically divorced but are going thru one. That's what I meant.

Other posters-

Thanks for the words. It's just so hard. I know he has an alcohol problem. I know. Iknow. I know.

And my heart is saying other things.

He is literally here right now. He drove here to live in the same state and go to school (but for the kids). He definitely doesn't seem as affected by this. He blames me saying I pushed the paperwork for the divorce along and things like that. Not that he's being mean, but he doesn't seem to want to be near me or even talk to me very much.

It's killing me. I'm still in love with him.

Half of me wants to get this divorce stoppped. I think I could by getting to the judge before the paperwork does.

And Half of me says it's for the best. I am so confused.

I just want to hug him and be with him. But then reality would happen if we were together again. The reality that made me leave in the first place.

Sigh.

I don't get it either. You can file for divorce and be "in the midst of one".

No offense, but your tone comes off as needlessly harsh. Perhaps you didn't mean it that way, but that's how it camme off to me.

You did not answer the Q, PR99.

On May 16, 2008, you posted: "The thing is, as I just mentioned, I'm really not ready to date yet. I just got divorced....I don't know if I'm just going thru some post divorce thing or what."

Post-divorce thing? Gee, POST-divorce means AFTER divorce, as in, ALREADY DIVORCED. We can count, and sequence. Reporting "just got divorced" on May 16, 2008, isn't a divorce filed two weeks prior to June 30, 2008.

If the first is true, you are lying now.

If this post is true, you were lying then.

Ah, well, WHEN you lied doesn't really matter.

Needlessly harsh tones? I presented contrary quotes by the poster and asked two very straightforward questions.

My idea of needlessly harsh tones and yours are no doubt quite different. Feel free to critique my tones any time.

Lucks, I don't know about you. Either you are:

A) my soon to be ex husband
B) a retired editor
C) pissed and want to fight with folks
D) enjoy kicking other when they're down


Either which one, I think it sucks.

I'm sure people on these boards use I'm divorced and filed for divorce, and in the midst of divorcing synonymously. I know my soon to be ex says he consideres himself divorced even though legally, he is not. In May, I thought I had filed only to find out from our extrememly incompetent lawyer that there were even more papers to get signed and notarized. we thought we were done with it. And by early June, we were still waiting for them to take the papers and actually FILE THEM. So, finally it was officially filed after quite a long period of waiting and calling the lawyer over and over to tell him to get on it already as we'd paid him a lot of money to do this.

Now, it should be 2 weeks or so till it's final unless the judge kicks it back for some reason.

Why am I explaining all this to you? Cuz it takes my mind off of how FREAKIN' HEART BROKEN I AM OVER THIS LOSS!!!!!

If you don't want to help, then don't harm.

PR, what exactly are you losing? Please think of that.

I have a hunch that you are actually more upset about the lose of an idea or ideal or image than you are about the man himself as he is now.

And all we've got to work with is people as they are now.

Your husband doesn't want to be around you because he's madder than a hornet that you're not continuing to enable him. Addicts get mad when people stop enabling them. When people are misbehaving, they get angry when others call them on it. They get over it or they don't. If your husband gets sober, he'll forgive you for "wrecking his life" because he'll know you were actually trying to save him and your family. If he doesn't get sober, well, you can't really have him around, can you?

Stay the course, it will get easier over time.

PR99, it's (E) - None of the above.

There's married, separated, divorced. You've been reading here long enough to see abbreviations like STBX, and know what stage that means. Divorced is not synonymous with either filed for divorce or in the midst of divorce, so if you or anyone else claims to be divorced when it's not final yet...it is inaccurate and gives a different picture of the situation than the reality.

There are also people on here that describe their situation as married, when they never were. We may give different suggestions if they're unmarried but living together. Could be different suggestions whether a couple has children or not.

My style of help almost always encourages a poster to keep trying to work on their marriage, if that's what they want, until the final decree (divorced!). So, when I saw the inconsistency I wanted to know the actual phase you are in...fudging actually divorced for in the midst of divorce may tell us a mindset, but it is inaccurate and definitely alters what I might suggest to you.

Glad to be able to take your mind off your pain. BTDT, understand completely.