Sorry things are going so rough for you. And I feel very bad for your son. But he is learning a good lesson in standing for a marriage even when it seems hopeless.

He sounds like my son. When he was 15 and had an outburst, he would clean the house to get back into my good graces.

Stand firm and don't give hubby the loan. He and OW need to figure out how to start their business. Let him rely on her!

Spend time with your son - that is a good plan. I hope hubby doesn't sway your older son.

I think the pressure to cave is going to be intense. Don't give in.

If I were your husband, I would be looking real hard for another job so I WOULD have the money for the mortgage. Chances are very good that the business would fail anyway and then that money would be good. Also it would link your husband and the adulteress, even if it did succeed. But most companies take several years to make it.

I think there is a reason that your attorney is on vacation.

Believer if he doesn't pay the morgage its his loss too...50% is his.On my way home from work this afternoon I saw WH at a traffic intersection...he didn't see me though.He was coming from OP's kids school..makes me sick to think he's lifting her kids..
I just got back from "curves"which I am enjoying.The cold weather(its winter here)makes me push myself harder.I keep thinking at least have a good bod for WH or for the future man in my life!LOL

When I saw WH,I felt sad..and had thoughts of him not coming back..he is a very proud person and now that he has no job it will really look like his coming home with his tail between his legs if he did.When DS18 comes home on friday I'm going to tell him not to tell me or DS15 anything about WH.I don't want to know what his up to...I do think he won't give up on this venture cos its his last stand so to speak to prove to himself that he hasn't stuffed up majorly..just my thoughts knowing him....

Believer,the pressure from the kids was awful,made me cry,I would rather live in a shack then finance his venture with OP!!

My sis says he won't be able to afford to get divorced now!!Its been 6 months since he filed...

I just got a call from my lawyers stand-in she received a fax from WH's lawyer stating he would like to take a 2nd morgage of $50 000 to start business,etc
She is in contact with my lawyer who is overseas at the moment and said she would get advice for me.My sister who works in the bank with morgages and loans says no way should I do it.I will not fund his venture.The fax was dated 25/06/08 but my lawyers office only received it at 13hoo today...tomorrow is supposed to be his dday.I felt sad cos my letter to him obviously didn't make a difference as he was in contact with his lawyer the next day..

I phoned DS18 and told him to speak to WH and to tell him not to talk to DS15 about his venture as DS15 is worrying and stressing about him at home.DS15 is going there tomorrow for 1 week as it is school holidays and I don't want him to be subjected to WH's nonsense.

Believer you said the pressure would be on me ..boy were you right...I'm just glad that I had a head start by knowing this info before hand from DS18.God is looking after me!!

I'm thinking of saying seen that WH is unemployed and can't pay maintenance,he must sign his half of house over to me...and forfit paying maintenance in the future.....

Ok I just got off the phone with my lawyers secretary(I misstook her for my lawyers standin)She had contacted my lawyer and she suggested the secretary speak to her patner who is a conveyencor..he said no ways must I sign for loan......

I asked her to fax me WH's lawyers letter.WH has changed lawyers for the third time!!!She said she can send a reply stating that I am not interested or say that I will consult with my lawyer at the end of july when she returns from vacation...my answer will still be the same NO..my question is shall I stall cos I can or shall I send a reply now?

Personally, I would let him know that you retained an attorney to protect your family and will not be making any decisions until she is back from vacation. And that is where I would leave it.

You need to do the math on what your support payments, cost of living, etc would be as compared to half the equity in your home. Figure out the best deal for you and your boys.

I don't know anything about college financing in your country. Here, it is sometimes better NOT to have a lot of income because there are so many grants available.

Believer I don't think he would fall for my suggestion...

I will phone tomorrow and say I'm going to wait till lawyer gets back...either way he'll be angry with me!!I've got nothing more to lose..I can't imagine why he changed lawyers...
In his lawyers letter it stated that WH had given them a copy of my lawyers reply to his original papers he filed...and that they would answer to this in due course!

I really think that the D will go through ,he seems determined now to put an end to this...

I spoke to DS18 earlier and he had spoken to WH about not upsetting DS15 when he goes there this week so I'm relieved..
I will tell DS18 when he gets back home tomorrow not to talk about WH to me no matter what is going on on his side.

I'm hoping with my lawyer being on holiday things will have to be put on hold as there isnt another divorce lawyer at the practice I'm using...

I truely think its a miracle that the D has stalled for 18 months....although he said he wanted a divorce repeatedly from the beginning.

I know I can't allow him to have this loan its too risky,but I can't help thinking he will hold this against me forever.He always wanted his own business and I know how NB this is to him...

Also he will have ME TO BLAME hence a good reason to carry on having the affair,I'll be his scapegoat.I fear it will bring them closer together....
I feel like I'm LBusting!!!

Believe me hope - if it wasn't this loan it would be something else he'd resent you forever about - he's the resenting, blaming, always somebody else's fault kind of guy.

Is this the trend of all WH's...that everythings our fault and nothing is their fault ever...?

What??? More like affair-busting! He may THANK you some day that you stood your ground and wonder what the heck he was thinking.

How else can they rationalize their behavior away?

In a word... YES.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

Don't communicate anything to him. Your lawyer is going to respond anyway, so don't look for an excuse to break Plan B darkness.

Get a school counselor working with your 15 yr old son - be sure that counselor knows the twisted antics of your husband in manipulating his son in all this.

Your focus needs to be in taking your sons out of the middle of you and your husband. Good (free) school counselors can help you do this. Many of them work through the summer here in the US - but it's likely there's a similar support system where you are.

Thanks for that Princess!!
I truely don't feel like I'm affair-busting,just doing what I know in my heart is right for me and my boys.
When lawyers letters start arriving it makes it all so "real",if you know what I mean..

In todays economy,its crazy to start a business.The bank my sister works for is repossessing 700 a month around our country.My lawyers secretary told me they have a number of clients who have recently lost their homes cos of the bad economy at the moment here.

I hope I am doing WH a favour ...what irritates me is tha OP is most probably egging him on..she has nothing to lose in this.WH will see it as her supporting him..

Oops..I meant to say 700 homes are being repossessed..

Kayla thats a good idea ,tomorrow they break up for 2 weeks school holidays..so will find out when school startsagain.
I did think of sending him to the child pyschologist he saw a year ago....
When DS15 was having his emotional breakdown the other day he said something that shocked me.While sobbing he said the therapist had told him "you can't trust anything your parents say right now because they are both thinking emotionally"He remembered this a year later ...and what a horrible thing to say to a child...
It showed me how vunerable he feels....

That therapist is out then. Check with the school - and make sure the school knows the game your husband has been playing on him

Will do...its 11h15pm here so I'm off to bed..will chat tomorrow
Thaks again for all the advice and support..it really helps.

Hang in there. I know it is hard, but you are doing the right thing. You may end up divorced, but if you fund their company, I promise you it will only breathe new life into the affair. What you want to do is stay out of the way and let reality deal with the affairees. The very best thing that happened is your husband losing his job. That and the stress and money problems should kill off the affair.

Just trust that there are problems in fantasy land. The OW is probably stressed about you not signing for the loan. Your husband may be changing attorneys because the first two didn't tell him what he wanted to hear. Or it may be because the OW is urging him to get more money. We have no way of knowing, but I promise you that facing problems is the quickest way for them to start LB'ing each other.

Your sons are watching you stand for your marriage and family while hubby takes the easy way out. They will learn much more from this than all of the advice you could ever give them.

Just a quick post..at work...
DS18 had a go at me on the weekend after being with WH.He said I'm causing him to be stressed and depressed.
Sorted it out with him though.
Both boys will be with him this week,DS15 has been there since friday.I won't have internet access at home as they take their computers with them...will try to check in when I'm at work.

I'm feeling very down today.Losing hope for my marriage.I hate being alone at home as well....
Just wish I could read the future!!

Oh no, no internet! You should be expecting your husband to be pressuring your sons to get you to finance the affair business. He needs that money and will most likely continue. Just let your sons know that your attorney is handling things and it is not up for discussion.

You need to continue to have hope that the affair will end now that it is reaching the usual expiration date and there is so much financial pressure. So don't give up. But at the same time, start making a wonderful life for YOU.

Losing hope for my marriage.


YES!! Lose all hope for your marriage the way it was. Let that old marriage die, let the old habits and the old ways of thinking die with it. Let that marriage die where he allowed himself to step out of the marriage. Do not hold onto it.

Now what TO hold onto? The ideal of a new marriage, where you have both grown into the relationship. Where these mistakes will be a memory you learn from. Is it possible you may have to completely divorce from this old marriage before you can begin a new one with him? Quite possibly. Or you may decide he is still holding on to the old and you can't continue with him...either way, you will be a better wife for this.

Thanks for the encouraging words you guys...I always hate it when my boys go to WH for the holidays...I always imagine them being one happy family.DS18 took his best friend with him so there are 6 teenage boys to feed!!With the cost of food now that alone will be a stress factor!!!
I am using this time alone at home to fast and pray,and to gather my thoughts..I try not to get despondant.StillHere..I agree with you..the old marriage must die.....I definitely will be a different person..stronger in many ways....

Believer I am worried that WH will confide in DS18...but I told DS18 not to relay any info back to me when he comes home on friday,no matter what...I said if I need to know anything my lawyer will inform me...its not for him to worry about anything regarding WH.

Please keep posting to me as I will try sneak a peak today while at work!!!