I could not stand to bare my son hating me for taking him away from his dad. I just could not stand that.

You think I don't know all that...you think I don't feel like putting a gun to my head over that....you people think I am the awfulest person in the world....well maybe I am and I am tired. It makes me want to give up on everything. No hope....no light at the end of the tunnel because I have to live with that everyday. You think I don't think about that.

It is NOT merely a friendship.
How ridiculous to even say that.

OM is waiting for you to leave your husband to be with him.
He has declared his feelings for you, and I suspect you for him as well.

This is NOT a friendship. You might fool some people with that gibberish, but not us.

I hope that you really give pause to what you are doing. My son won't even spend a night at his mom's house now. She has lost him and in spite of desperate attempts to get him to warm back up to her, he places a lot of blame at her feet for breaking apart our family...and all that single issue means. Infidelity snakes its way into every aspect of a child's life. From having to split time between mom/dad's house...having to basically either pick sides or fail to learn that immorality is wrong...it robs children of the chance for siblings (my sons BIGGEST gripe with his mom next to her f-ing around).

Be careful...what you have to lose...both with your child and the GOOD man you call husband can never be reclaimed.

Did you read the article I posted yesterday? What did you think about it?

I for one do NOT think you spend any time THINKING about this stuff. THINKING requires reasoning...I think you spend all your time FEELING this stuff and have yet to introduce your brain into the equation.

It was a great article. Thank you for posting that.

This trauma will color more than just his relationship with women, it WILL color his relationship with you.

You are a role model for him. Your relationship with him IS salvageable.

If you continue on this path to find "happiness" for yourself at the expense of your son and his father - he WILL resent you. Now AND in the future.

I'm not saying that to hurt you or to manipulate you but to warn you of what is to come. At 12, he does not have the ability to comprehend and verbalize what is happening to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Those feelings of helplessness will stay with him. He will come to realize who was to blame.

You are changing the man your boy was going to become.

Will you ever be able to forgive yourself for that? Will he?

What we are encouraging you to do is make an honest effort to TRY. For your son, for your husband, and for YOU.

YOU, too, will deal with the fallout for the rest of your life.

Put in an honest effort. The first and most important step on that journey is no contact with OM.

This MUST happen.

Your "relationship" with him was based on lies anyway and you already knew it was wrong. Why continue to do wrong?

Honest effort, rain. You all deserve at least that much.

Fox

Rain,
I don't think you are awful.
I think you are in pain. Probably the worst of your life.

But please believe me. OM is not the answer to your pain.
And maybe your husband isn't either. You need to get yourself in order.

You need to recover yourself first. You can't work on the marriage until you get yourself fixed.

If this is true, tell me what you think a human being - ANY human being - should do in that situation. That human being has egregiously hurt others through their selfishness and addiction issues. That human being has NOT been shunned from loved ones, but rather allowed to remain with the people that human being hurt.

Tell me what you think that human being's next step should be? Should it be to continue making decisions that are for the sole benefit of that one human being, or should it be to stop and say "I have been taking from others. NOW it is time for me to put myself and my desires aside for the time being and make amends for what I've done. I will pay my price, do my penance, for hurting them, by putting their needs ahead of mine for the immediate future. No matter what I want at this moment, I will ignore it because I have to do something to prove I CAN make up for the wrongs I have done. And I have to help the people who are standing by me despite all of this."

In your world, what do people do when they mess up? Do they say 'oh I'm a horrible person so I'll walk away from my mess' or do they say 'oh I'm a horrible person so I need to sacrifice my self-absorption for the time being to make things better'?

If you say the former, I can't imagine how anyone would give you a second chance. Least of all your son.

EXACTLY! And I do not want my son to think that this is what a relationship should be because it's not. I don't want him to go to his friend's house and see their happy family and then come home and think "what is wrong with my mom & dad?...why don't they look happy like my friend's parents?".

It doesn't matter what you think, Lexxxy...I know the truth and I am not trying to fool anyone.

That's not what I meant, and you know it.

What do you think about what it is saying about what your EA is doing to your son? Do you think it's bs, that they may be right about some people, but that in YOUR case, it's different? Why?

she doesn't care what it is doing to her son...she ONLY cares about her own cheating happiness.

I don't think you are awful, either. I can tell you are hurting and are at a crossroads.

We aren't here to beat on you. We are trying to aim you towards the path of least destruction for you AND your family.

I've been trying to figure out what draws me to post to you. I SHOULD hate you I SHOULD hope that you self destruct.

Essentially, you are my husband's OW.

SOMETHING draws me to you and I have a need to help you see what is coming.

I can't speak to you as some of the former waywards can. I have not been through what you are personally going through.

But I CAN speak to the fact of how it affects the children. I've WATCHED mine go through it. I've FELT their pain. I've been at a loss as to what I can do to help them. Their own father did this to them.

Don't be the one to rip the foundation out from underneath your son's life.

Put in an honest effort.

I agree with Lexxxy, heal yourself. The first step to that is still no contact with OM.

Fox

Rain,

If you do not end all contact with OM, we cannot help you.

You will be choosing self destruction and the destruction of your family.

It MUST start at no contact.

Otherwise, you are wasting your time here and we are wasting ours.

Are you here to simply appease your husband and to put in an appearance for trying or are here to make an honest effort?

Fox

What do you think about the explanation of fog babble? Why do you think it has evolved into such an authoritative treatise on what people who are having affairs do that in the 9 months I've been here, it has proven true - the things that wayward spouses say, the things that YOU are saying - in every single case? Why do you think that is? Because it is human nature. It's human nature to, when you know you're doing something wrong, tell yourself that there's a good reason you're cheating, that it really isn't your fault, that your partner really IS the reason for your unhappiness and not just that you're putting your needs ahead of his.

What you are saying is EXACTLY what the articles here said you would say, before you even said it.

What that should tell you is that what you think you are feeling and thinking is a manifestation of your affairage - your subconscious trying to justify. My son won't mind, my marriage was crap, we'd just be miserable, we're just incompatible, it was his fault, we weren't meant to be...all fog babble, all coming out of your mouth and every single other WS who's come here.

Does't that tell you that just maybe you should step back and wonder why you are saying the exact same things you were predicted to say? That just maybe it really ISN'T you, that the real you is hidden under all this self-justification, hiding, that it's all bs meant to protect your ego and give you permission to continue?

If you don't think so, I'd love to know why. Real reasons. Give us something tangible so we can try to believe you. Because right now, all your justifications fall flat because they're so typical WS bullcrap.

Why do you repeat this and make it sound like your ONLY option? That if you stay that there will only be continued unhappiness?

It is up to YOU to make it different for your son.

You CAN make your marriage happy and fulfilling. YOU have to want to.

I'm still only seeing excuses and the mindset that your marriage cannot improve.

It won't......as long as there is a third person in it.

Get the third person out and you have a chance.

Fox

Mrs. W - I hope you don't mind my quoting you and changing the ending a bit to show you a Betrayed Spouse's thinking on this from the BS "perspective" too.

ALL of us have sinned. ALL of us have "fallen short."

The Grace and Mercy of God IS "overwhelming," and should be, lest "Pride in self" dominate and destroy.

Hugs.

God bless.

No ... you don't "get it"!!!

This isn't about some "happy - fantasy" relationship he may see on the surface at this friends homes.

This is about what your son will wake up next to 15 years in the furture and realize that he's chosen a W just like dear ole Mom and now he has become his father.

Do you want your son to ever go through what 72Dude is going through RIGHT NOW? Because that is what you and 72Dude are showing him as an example.

Your son WILL become what your BH is NOW, and his new W will act just like you are now.