It makes sense perhaps then to do the following...

Help her pay our debts (that are on her card). I will send her cashier's check by certified mail, and write on there that they are for "wedding debt".

Before this happens, she will agree to the amount that I owe... towards our joint debt.

Just to CYA if/when any divorce proceedings are in our future...

DO NOT send her any cash until you have spoken to an attorney.

I think you're getting a little extreme with cashier's checks and certified mail.
She will likely view it as an act of hostility.

Do what you need for proof, which is probably no more than writing it in the memo section of your check.

But even before you get to this extreme -- do you know the laws in your state? Is all debt going to be considered joint anyway?

I think it's important 2 note here that Dr Harley often takes a harder line than SH (and possibly Jen, though I've not spoken 2 her). I's 2 bad you don't have time before you go 2 have a phone in session with either Steve or Jen. But you don't.

However, I think you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders and will certainly be able 2 tell better than we can or even WH can, how best 2 respond 2 your W's attempts 2 recover your M on HER terms.

This is what negotiation is all about. You put all the cards on the table, and see if she can realize the ridiculosity of her desires 2 have you move down but live apart, and 2 continue her R with OM, from your point of view - seeing how such nonsense affects you in person.


We're glad you did, 2! The important thing is that you've done what you can, if she decides 2 continue 2 be a WS.

-Tim.

You're right, what it comes down to is negotiating OUR terms for reconciliation...

However, I need to be steadfast on certain things...

Unfortunately, those things are what she clearly thinks is going to happen:

1) She can still contact OM
2) We will live apart

I suppose she may have been sticking her toes in the water last night, and may probably decide to try a different approach... We'll see what she has to say tonight...

It's still funny to me to see her wane back and forth from crazy, to "nothing's wrong"

She's been texting me all afternoon about her lunch hour, like none of this has ever happened.

Your debt situation sounds a little complicated: Your debt, her debt, wedding debt, mutual debt. I agree that you should not send her any money or pay any bills until after this weekend. Nothing will be cancelled if you wait-right? You will know how you want to proceed after this weekend. At least, I hope you will. I agree that you should speak to an attorney. Keep in mind that since your wayward wife is involved in an affair, her finances could be really out of control. Since she has been hiding info from you, she could also be hiding financial info. That is one reason why you need an attorney.

Also, don't put too much stock in the whole maybe she is the way she is because in her childhood......(fill in the blank.) Don't give her any excuses for current and recent past behavior that center on childhood trauma. There is not a body of research that indicates that psychotherapy is useful. Don't get bogged down in that area of inquiry.

You made that promise based on false pretenses. She changed the circumstances.

When the circumstances return to what they were, I'd honor that promise.

Until then, I think you are released from the obligation.

If you go to court, work it out then.

BTDT.

She wants frosting with that cake!

-ol' 2long

I hope you're responding in kind .

Add number 3 to that.

3. You will pay her bills so that she has funds to continue living like a single woman.

committed

Yes,

Of course... Nothing but kindness.

While she's in this state of mind, I asked her to send me the list of all the reasons she thought that we shouldn't be together (that was as long as her arm), and all the reasons that we should be together (that was apparently very short).

I told her how I want to understand all of her needs, and how I haven't met them, and what I can do to meet them from here on out...

She tends to ignore these messages, but I keep trying!

Please don't pay this woman one red cent until you have discussed the future in detail. Then, STILL don't pay her one red cent until you have an attorney.

I cannot believe her nerve, expecting you to fund her adultery. If she mentions that "you promised", it might be worth a gentle reminder that she promised to forsake all others, in front of God and everybody, and if she has broken that agreement, and has no plans to mend it, then the contract is no longer valid.

yes, yes, yes

True,

Didn't think of it that way...

I see that she has added a new phone (with new area code) to our cell phone plan... I know she was trying to get her own account. She probably had difficulty as I had the password to the current account, and she doesn't know how to log in to view the information online (as I changed the account password and online password a few days ago)

She hasn't told me about it. While there's no activity on it yet, I assume she will be using this new line to contact OM if they are indeed still communicating at this point...

So far, their last record of contact (via cell phone) was on Sunday, right around the time I sent him the e-mail exposing what I knew. Last contact before that was Friday night... They talked for about a half hour each time, compared to their last conversations which were in the 90 minute range... Although, with Verizon, it seems like her info gets updated less frequently than mine.

I would recommend you hold off on any serious discussions until you are together.

Tell her you are looking forward to seeing her this weekend.
How excited you are about seeing her.

Tell her all future plans can be discussed this weekend.

Commit to nothing finacially. If she pushes issues of finance. Tell her she is responsibe for ALL of her own debt and cost of living expenses until the future of your M is clear.

If she's pretending to be nice in her messaging and chat, this will set her off.

If she's serious, she will welcome this weekend.

Interesting turn of events on my part...

A few weeks ago, I had a phone interview with a company down there (just literally hours after I found the first "tell tale" e-mail message in my wife's e-mail). The initial interview went well, but they decided to make an offer to someone local to the area instead...

I e-mailed the guy a few days after I booked the flight, and said that I was planning to come down, and could possibly change my flight if he wanted to meet with me.

I received and e-mail from him earlier today, stating that "Sorry, we offered the position to someone else, best of luck on your transition."

I wasn't going to take no for an answer that easy... so I e-mailed him back to state again that I was coming down and that their company is one of the few that I'm interested in in the area.

He just called back and wants to meet with me... So, I MAY have POSSIBLE employment lined up for me SOON...

This is the best news I've had in the last few weeks!

I let my WW know... No response from her just yet... But, I hope she feels me breathing down her back! I'm shaking and baking, and making things happen! Watch out!

Awwww....that's cute!!!

Hooray!!!!!! Go GET 'EM!!!!

Charlotte

WOW, look at you! I little empowerment goes a long way. I like to see when not taking no for an answer has positive results, Congrats! and Good Luck!

You Go!!!! Yea "Ricky Booby" Shake & Bake!!! GF

Verizon just updated the text messages on our account through last night...

Looks like WW texted OM at about 8:48PM on Sunday night (the day I exposed everything)... He hasn't replied since...

Still waiting to see if any calls come through.

WW just told me she got a new phone number... At least she's open about that! She doesn't know that I can still see who she's calling and texting, at least for now.

I told her I had some things planned that we could do when I'm down there.

She told me my motives and behaviour are insensitive and wrong. I deserve a kick in the butt.

She is currently dwelling on the exposure, and how insensitive I am and how I'm imposing myself on her out of jealousy. She thinks that she will never feel anything for me again.

Not sure how to handle that...