I'm 63, my W is 59 and we've been married for 6 years. We have no kids together.

My W had what I consider to be an EA for over 4 years which ended late last year after I told her I wanted a divorce. She says that she loves me very much, that she wants to stay married to me and that I should forgive her, so at this point I am undecided what to do.

I accidently found out about the EA in 2003 when she left her yahoo email open. I have talked to her about it on two prior occasions (2006 and 2007), and she has insisted that the guy is only a friend and that she would break off all contact with him. Obviously she didn't do this on the two prior occasions.

She claims it wasn't an EA and that he was never more than a friend. I let it go as long as I did because I wanted proof one way or another whether it was an EA or he was just a friend. I never did get it, although I've been to four counselors, discussed the contents of the emails and they all said that it was an EA.

Most of the postings that I read on here make it easy to determine that it was an EA. With her it was unclear. She made arrangements several times to meet him for drinks, and usually he canceled out on her. She sent him revealing pictures. He told her that he was disappointed that she was married and that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line. They finally met for drinks at least twice that I know about.

In August of last year he told her he was getting married. She asked why and he said "because you're not available and I have to settle for second best". She said "POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."

She claims that she was only asking to postpone because as a friend she didn't think getting married was the right thing for him.

She has apologized several times, but for some reason the apologies don't seem sincere. At first she said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you -- then a long pause -- But I didn't do anything wrong.' Then she changed it to 'I'm really sorry that I hurt you'. I guess the 'But I didn't do anything wrong' is implied.

My problem is that I just can't get over it. At this point I don't have the same feelings for her that I did before this happened. She has pointed out that I cheated on my prior wife, and that I have a dual standard if I refuse to forgive her for what she did, which she insists was not cheating.

I have to either get over the way I feel or proceed with the divorce. My question is 'How do I get over the way I feel?' Or should I?

Thanks.

Was this with your current wife?

She's most definitely having an EA, if not a PA (likely since it's been going on for five years!)

Do you KNOW this OM? Do you know his fiance' name? Start snooping, install a keylogger, find out the whole truth.

Oh, and welcome to MB. So sorry you're here, but it's a great place to be.

P.S. I just realized you've only been married for six years and she's been cheating for five? I would divorce.

No. And I justify it to myself by saying that I had already made a decision to divorce the prior wife before I cheated on her. My current wife says that's no justification, and she's probably right.

She had every intention of cheating on you. The fact that she didn't is a mere technicality. Its like a murderer who only wounds his victim. He meant to kill. He just wasn't able to close the deal. Sounds like your wife was setting up an affair, and if she insists that he is just a friend, then she's in major denial. She's continuing to lie, and unless and until she becomes honest, you guys won't be able to move past this.

Install a keylogger. Check her cell phone bills, credit card bills and make sure she doesn't have "missing time".

You're in for a long road man. Best of luck to you.

Boogie, you are in no position to be handing out advice.

Have you posted on MB before under a different name?

"Install a keylogger. Check her cell phone bills, credit card bills and make sure she doesn't have "missing time"."

This from the man who insisted that spying was soooo verrry wrong????

Gee. Boogy, you have little credibility right now, so sorry.


Sb

gullible


When she tells you she didn't do anything wrong, tell her that SHE DID.

It was wrong to contact another man, to meet him for drinks without you, to share details of your marriage with him, to share her innermost feelings with him, to flirt with him, to act with him as though she were available, and to advance a relationship with him as though she were going to become available while being married to you.

Those acts, and more, were WRONG.

She did do things that were wrong, and she knows that.

Also, tell her that the fact that she points out your prior cheating is very interesting - and that if she WASN'T CHEATING HERSELF, it would have absolutely NO RELEVANCE, now would it????

So why is she bringing it up? Because she IS cheating.

Tell her that.

She is cheating on you emotionally, and it is likely that her meetings with this man had physical contact of some sort. Otherwise, what was in it for him? The second meeting had promise of something, because the first paid off in some way, is my guess. She met some emotional need of his, and vice versa, at the first meet. So there was a second.

This is a very short marriage. She has cheated on you for about four years, of a six year marriage. Those odds are not good. I think that you should probably get in contact with the Harleys to discuss this marriage, and whether or not working it out is a good idea or not, because the odds really are not in your favor, if you read the information here.

But, if you want to try, the Plan A stuff is the place to start. You already know she has contacted him, and although Boogy has little credibility (he lied to everyone on his thread), he is right that it might help to get hold of her emails and cellphone records if you can do that. It looks like you have already been spying on her, which is good - that can help you pin her down on information.

Is she willing to answer questions about the affair? Also, have you exposed it to her OM's wife or girlfriend? Exposure to your family and friends will also help to keep her activities minimized, and her traveling to see him reduced.

SB

With all due respect boogy...you should be in your own thread right now listening to the very advice that you are handing out.