No, I honestly don't. I don't think I can give him what he needs. I don't think I can go on and pretend like I want this relationship to work. I am scared of failing again. After the first time, I was really sorry. This time, I am sorry that I have done it again but at the same time, I don't feel as glad that he wants to work things out. OMG that is so horrible but it is how I feel. I see myself going through the motions just to keep our family together and feeling unhappy and bitter that I stayed because it was the "right thing to do" and its what everyone thought I should do. I find myself staying because of how much he loves me...not because of how much I love him or how bad I want to work things out. Is that just part of my guilt or what? I am so confused and I am so scared.

If you were truly the person you seem to think you are...and the mother you say you are...if YOU are not willing to put aside your childish nature for a year and work on things with zero distractions..your husband should be given custody of the child, you pay HIM child support and YOU get limited visitation.

Your husband should not see his child less because of your immorality. Your husband should not have to pay child support because you are a baby that can't get her head removed from her back end.

Frankly, your husband and child will have losses because of you. YOU should do everything in your power to keep those to an absolute minimum.

I was so thankful that he wanted to work things out. The first affair was an affair with a much older man. I know I did not love the man and I had no intentions of leaving my H for him. SO, while I spilled all of my feelings, my H did not. He went into depression and closed himself off. It took a long time for him to even trust me again (understandable). But we worked through it and I really let him know how humble I was at the fact that he wanted to work things out. That was 7 years ago. Until this, he never really opened up to me about why he put himself into a shell and what he realized he had done wrong or what he could have done different. I am so thankful that he opened up to me because some of our issues I felt like I was crazy for thinking they were an issue....but then he said it and I was like OMG...I thought I was crazy for thinking that and now you are opening up and telling me that what I said was really a huge issue and you recognize that.

We did no marriage counseling. Just years of throwing ourself into work and school and just lived day to day without much change. We were close after everything turned to normal but we have never been very affectionate (H says that I am not affectionate and never have been) and we just went through it. We do not make time for each other. If something gets planned I am always the one to do it. I am the outgoing one and he is the one that would rather stay at home. We kind of just concentrated on our debt, work, and school.

It is not about staying with him or with anyone else.

It is about your strategy of doing the same things over and over again with whomever.

Keep making the same poor decisions and end up with the same poor unhappy life.

A weak strategy.

You are right about everything except my H should not get full custody. I am a loving mother and will do whatever it takes to make it easier for my son if a D is the outcome. My H can spend as much time with our son as he would like. I would never keep him from seeing our son. Child support is for the child, not me so how dare you say that.

Rain, I urge you to make no decisions about the future of your marriage until you have withdrawn form OM. I'd say 10 more weeks. You have no idea how your addiction to him is controlling your emotions.

How dare I say that??? How dare you!!!!!!!!! YOu are the evil person here. I was on the other side of what you are doing. I have full custody of my child. Your husband should not have to suffer ONE single loss as a result of your being a no good cheater. This is 100% your fault...so YOU and you alone should suffer any consequences that result from this.

How dare you NOT give him full custody. That speaks volumes about how BAD a parent you are...not how good a mom you are.


You acted like a &#$@& once...he took you back. Now you think you have a right to make your husband be without his child for even a day. What a pathetic excuse for a mom. This is why I said to you before that it would be easier on your child and husband if you were gone permanently. I really mean that as you are hell bent on ruining both of their lives.

I don't think you have once been sincere about working on this.

Honestly Rain, why are you here??? I'm MyRevelation's FWW--I don't post often, but I read here daily. I was going to quote you, but I can't find it--you said something to the effect of "We are not going to have any contact until 72 and I divorce"--that speaks VOLUMES to me!! You are waiting and wanting 72dude to divorce you--that's what I hear you saying. I use this site to gain insight on waywards and BS--I am totally committed to my marriage and wanting to make amends and make my marriage BETTER THAN BEFORE. If you don't want that, then why waste your and everyone else's time?? You have a wonderful resource in this site if you want to improve yourself and your marriage. If you don't, then cut your and 72's losses and move on. Don't post on here expecting others to agree with you/sympathize about 72's faults, etc. If you want to get better, there are great people on here who will help you (Life's Choice, Ace and Just Learning are some of MY personal favorites). Listen to these sages, and apply the principles here. PLEASE. If that is not what you want or desire, that is your call. But don't come on here wanting sympathy or empathy--NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

A-freaking men!

**EDIT** wants the OM and the kids! Makes me

You got the quote wrong....the OM said there would be no further contact until I was divorced because he did not want to get hurt. I did not say that but I agreed because I knew I needed to get away from him to focus on my marriage and what needs to be fixed.

you have gotten 24 pages of responses here...more on the locked thread. People taking time out of their personal lives to help you...and you know what...YOU don't deserve any of it. YOU are a cheater to your core and until you decide to change, you will always be a danger to any man or child that decides to love you.
You have played some of the poor people here .... making them think you are genuine....you're not.

If I were your husband you would be in for the fight of your life if you tried to take my child away from his father or his home. YOU should pack your bags and get out if you are not willing to be the wife you vowed to be. You have repaid the kindness your husband showed you by once again proving yourself to be a lousy partner.

I am here because my H asked me to get help from others who had been through the same thing that we have. I am just being honest and I am not looking for sympathy or empathy - I am only expressing my feelings in hopes that someone can make light of them and to help me see.

Triple that ditto!

I live without my precious daughter because I AM a good mom, and her dad was a cheat, but instead of suffering my DD to grow up without a dad, I let her go, for a half a friggen year, every year.

HOW DARE YOU rain, say that you will make your childs life easier after divorce.

And you keep saying how much your H loves you and you feel guilty...blah, blah, blah.

Your husband will find a woman worthy of him. A woman that makes him want to get out and enjoy life, a woman that lights the fire under his feet...a woman that doesn't blow all the families money on gambling, and make him feel less than the desirable, loving man that he is.

What you need is to be done to you what you have done.

No one has to posts. I have gotten some really great advice and you do not know how some of the things that people have said have really taken a hold of me. I am thankful for these people...even if some of it has been hurtful it has made me look at things from different perspectives and made me question a lot of things. So, don't think that I am not paying attention. I can't change my thoughts and felings overnight but everyday I am learning more.

[/quote] I am just being honest and I am not looking for sympathy or empathy - I am only expressing my feelings in hopes that someone can make light of them and to help me see. [/quote]


Rain--people see what they want to see. What do YOU see?? A future with your husband and child, or one where you are alone?

To FIX what is broken you need to....

1. Commit to NC with OM
2. Withdraw from your addiction
3. Commit to your marriage INCLUDING shutting the divorce door you have open as an "option"
4. Follw Dr Harleys basic concepts.

See if you do that, you end up with an intact family and a great marriage. The marriage you dreamed of. With your integrity intact as well. Imagine that! A life without regret.

**edit**

It's not about what you need rain. It's about what your husband needs!

All of your whining and gnashing of teeth over giving your husband a divorce to 'free' him makes me sick.

Here's what your husband needs...AN NC LETTER!!!

Unfortunately you don't have the fortitude to give him that!! You want to hang on to OM 'Just in case'. You're a disgrace of a wife.

For that I hope he finds a good lawyer and takes your son away!

I certainly understand your anger...but since you are most likely to get edited and have your very valid view point removed...I think you might do well to find a different way to say the same thing.

BTW, I agree with your post.

Folks - we're all trying to educate the foggiest wayward to visit these parts in a looonnnngggg time!

I suggest that we help Dude get all the legal help we can to stop her from taking his child away from him for one minute or one day. We're obviously not going to reach her - she's got to feel a whole lot more pain from hitting bottom.

She hasn't even the foggiest (pun intended) of how hard divorce is going to hurt HER let alone how harmful it's going to be. Instead, all she can see is that HER needs and HER happiness matter more than the safety and happiness of her son. A REAL mother would say - my son's happiness and wellbeing are what matters most to me; and children do better with TWO parents in the same home; so I will do whatever it takes to find joy where I'm planted. This "excuse" for a mother can't find it in her to do the right thing for her son, let alone have enough sense to listen to people who can see a bigger train wreck than what she's already feeling - and she's running for it.

Rain - my last words to you, PERIOD because I'm fed up with wasting my time talking til I'm blue in the face to a foggy wayward who wants her hunny so bad she's going to self destruct to get him.

If you believe NOTHING ELSE I say here - believe this. You think you're in pain now? Take this marriage to OVER and see how bad you hurt. Nothing your "noble little sweety" can do will make the pain you take with you into that relationship and you will just destroy someone else - the thing is - he's got it coming. Give it all you got girl - because if you do this, you do too.

I agree, Kayla...some people, like rain, will only feel the pain and have an "oh G-d what have I DONE?" moment when they hit the bottom.

Rain, let me present to you two scenarios.

Scenario 1:

1. You commit to NC, start filling YOUR HUSBAND'S needs.
2. Write NC letter that is approved by your husband.
3. Get some kind of MC, with a GOOD counselor (preferably the Harleys)

Your marriage recovers. You become the wife you always wanted to be.

Scenario 2:

1. You do not commit to NC, and all other conditions. Eventually you D, because you are not willing to do something that does not satisfy your needs and make you "happy."

2. Dude gets a GOOD lawyer and fights you (I expect he has lots of evidence of your irresponsibility) for full custody, which he may or may not get.

3. You do not get full custody. You do NOT replace Dude with OM and pretend you're one big happy family.


If you want Scenario #1 I fully suggest an NC letter that Dude approves of, and commit to MC. Stop talking about his flaws (he will deal with them, he is trying to) and focus on your flaws that you need to fix.

You are the one who made this mess. You need to clean it up!