Hi.

It has been a long time since I've been on the board. I don't even know if anyone remembers my story. Typical story. Husband had an A and I did Plan A then Plan B. Affair ended, H moved back in.(about a year ago)

Everything was great. Although H didn't do everything I asked (which really should have clued me in there) we were so happy to be back together and definitely had a Honeymoon phase. Then the everyday life hit us again. I am a very sensitive person, would let triggers get me pretty upset and insecure. Even with that I really thought we were taking baby steps and progressing.

Lately, H hasn't been himself (not as affectionate, kisses less passionate, etc.) We don't really have fights, but once and a while one of us has a very sad day. This past weekend, H told me that he thought about leaving every day. That he thought about other women. But that he loved me and he didn't want to be without me.

Tonight, he was still in a very off modd. So I asked him what was bothering him. He said his job and the "same stuff". That he had a knot in his stomach every day. Wow. He is that unhappy here. That he still thought about leaving and that we would be better off apart.

Has all of my sadness and crying created a guilt feeling that is too much for him to stand? I do get very sad ..... a lot from wishing that things were different and some from thinking about the A. I can't seem to get through it.

I know I am rambling a lot, but I can't sleep And I am crying, H doesn't seem to care. But it is nothing new for me to cry.

It's like H doesn't care about the M anymore.

Should I just let the M go? Give up? I don't know what to do. Our counselor moved last year and I finally called someone this week. We have an appointment on Saturday.

H also said that he missed me and DS when he moved out, didn't want to be without me. but he also msised all of the freedom that he had when he didn't live here.

Thanks for reading.

I'd post how long ago the A was, but I can't remember. H has been home for a year. He didn't live here with me for a year and 1/2 while in Plan B. I did Plan A for 6 months. So I found out about the A 3 years ago.

I know recovery takes 2 years at least. Is this par of recover for a WS?

Kimberly
married 16 years
DS, age 8

Hi Kimberley - I do remember you and I'm sure Mel will as well.

I don't think your experience is typical at all for 1 year in recovery.

Have you done any snooping?

Why did you abandon your support network a year ago. It grieves me you have been struggling alone this last year.

Kimberly, I am so sorry! Why do you think he is being like this? Is he in contact with the OW? Is he having another affair?

Can you sit down and ask him what he thinks a life of freedom is like? See where you can make that fit into your marriage. I certainly understand his feelings on that subject. Some days it's all I dream about - being on my own and making my own decisions without having to worry about another person. It's just possible that he really did enjoy the time without having to answer to anyone (and I say that not in a bad way, just human nature), but thought he wanted to be with you guys more; now he's not so sure.

The other thing I would do is re-analyze your life and marriage, and work together to see how you can shake it up, fine-tune it, make it as fun and exciting and adventurous as possible. I'm not saying turn into Indiana Jones, just that you consider doing things differently.

For instance, we try to choose a new restaurant once a month. Or we go to little museums around town we've never been to. Or we drive through a part of town we've never been in. Or we initiate family game night once in a while. Or we try a new sport as a family. Or we invite people over. See how that works? Make the marriage/family the best thing to come home to.

Hi Kim,

Sorry you are still strugling so badly.

Sure sounds to me like re-established contact. Think you need to go back into snooping mode again. An old detective friend of mine once told me one of the best ways to untangle a mystery is to "follow the money."

Do you have complete access to financial statements and cc statments? Could be a clue in there.

Hope this works out for you.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I've heard enough to consider that there may be some LBing going on there that is driving him away.

You're asking US if your behavior could be a contributing factor. Have you asked him what is pushing him away?

Dang.

I just posted a whole couple of paragraphs and lost the post!!

Thank you all for posting and reading. I feel foolish for staying away. I was just so happy that H and I seemed to be working through things and that he was home. I have missed everyone. I don't know what I was thinking.

Kahuna - I should have stayed here on MB. You guys helped me through so much and were my lifeline. I guess I thought I would be taking time away from the M if I was on the boards too much. You mentioned that you didn't think this was typical at 1 year. I didn't either, but then read how much some of the other BS's were strugging on Recovery as well. I check H's e-mail now and again. There is never anything there. He leaves his phone in plain sight 99% of the time and doesn't take it into the bathroom like he used to. I'm not sure where else to snoop. I have missed your advice!!

Melody - My friend! I am so glad you are still here. I don't think he is in contact with OW. The only time when we are not together is when is at the office. So, if he is having another A it would have to be at his job. He is no longer working that night job where he had his last A. My gut is telling me he is not having another A. I think my radar is still pretty good for detecting, but he could be good at hiding. I would say that it is not 100% ruled out.

If that is the case, I am not going to go through this again.

Catperson - The only thing he could tell me last night is that when he lived away for the year 1/2 he made his own schedule, would go the gymn on Saturdays in the middle of the day and then maybe to the local wing's place for some beer. He also worked out at night more. He changed to working out in the morning so he could spend the evenings at home. I asked him if that was all and he said yes. I told him that could happen, that we didn't have to spend every Saturday together as a family. That I would enjoy going horseback riding on a Saturday a month.

He told me he was just selfish.

I do tend to settle into routines --- go to work, come home. go to work, come home. We do fun things too though - went hiking recently, movie, play cards of board games etc. All with DS.

Shine - I can't think of other ways to snoop. Will need some help with that. Not that I'm too thrilled about going into that mode. I was quite happy to be done with that. His finances were awful when he moved out and awful still now. Even with him being back here he can't seem to get caught up. His credit card bills are sitting on the computer table here. along with his bank statement. I could take some time and go through them....

Mr. Alias - Is crying and being sad LB? I am always kind when speaking with him and try to choose my words carefully. I thought for a while that I was coming across as too needy and I know that can be a turn off. When he first came home I was confident and sure of myself. But over time that has been whittled away. I try pretending that he is happy and ignore that he doesn't reach for me like he used to, but is that healthy? Yes, he doesn't have the freedom that he had or as much alone time.

I have been thinking that it might do him good to go visit his guitar playing buddy the next state over for a weekend. He's not been to visit him since he moved home.

Kim

Kim,
I have been in recovery for over a year and a couple of months ago my H told me that if I could not get over this that I needed to tell him because he is not strong enough to keep going on with me crying all the time and being unhappy.

We too went through the honeymoon phase and have settled into the daily rountine of life. I feel a lot like you do, my H does not reach for me or look at me like he did before. I think my H has a lot of guilt for hurting me and I don't think he realized how much I was hurting until just a couple months ago.

I went to IC and that did help. I try not to cry around my H because I know that it hurts him to see me cry. I sometimes wonder if this is healthy for me to live like this, but then I look at the alternative. I wonder what is wrong with me, I go from feeling like I don't care that much to crying because I care so much. I wonder too if this is normal for being one year in recovery.

Maybe your H is growing weary from seeing you hurting for so long. I have decided to do a sort of Plan A again to see if that helps. I am not letting my H see me cry about old stuff, I am making sure I look good, the house is clean, and dinner is cooked. I am also trying to stay on top of my work and make more money. You mentioned your H's finances are not good, that is hard to deal with also. The current decline in the housing market really has me down as we own 2 houses that are worth way less than what we paid for and we can't sell either for even what we owe on them and we put big down payments on them. Just thinking about the financial mistakes we have made keeps me up at night, it is a big stress.

Sorry for rambling, I just seemed to relate to what you were saying and have been wondering about if this is normal for one year in recovery also.

Wow, you guys are scaring me...I'm one month into this, my H is at the hospital with a severe anxiety/panic attack, I'm already on anxiety med...we're working on the marriage, but the thought of this possibly dragging on for years seems unbearable. I'm trying to do a day at a time and leave the outcome in the future, concentrate on today. How do you handle the long term affects this has on you? You wondered about the affects on you, I have to wonder that too, I just feel like I can't do a whole lot more of this, I need some relief in sight eventually. Too much stress!

Hey Kim! I always wondered about you, sorry to see that you have hit a rough spot.

We also had the "honeymoon" phase and then hubby had his own affair. I wonder if they get to a point and say "is this is as good as it gets"? Before we reconciled, we asked the kids what they wanted to keep from the separation period. They both said that Dad took them (and whatever GF) out for fun activities, they wanted to keep doing that (but with Mom and Dad this time). If you are more of a homebody and your FWH wants to be out and about, are there some activities you could do together?

Could he be real honest about what he misses about his "single" days. Sex with weirdo's (like OW), drinking with the boys, not having to mow the yard, get specific. Is he being immature and not wanting to be a grown-up are are there fun things he would be willing to do as a couple.

I am so glad to see you, I'm not sure I knew that he can back. I always wonder about you and Okie (the BS married to the trucker-I hope she is doing well).

Oh, and as the FWS, there was nothing I missed about my "single" days. that time represented the supreme "whoredom" period where there was nothing positive-just stupid selfishness. When we reconciled, I was so repentant, I never looked at any of that period with anything but disgust.

Hopefully, your H is just being immature, but keep talking and snooping.

Good to "see" you.

... you said a mouthfull.

I feel this too.

It has been said that doing Plan A for too long can lead to permanent physiological and emotional damage. I feel like I am still doing that even though it's "recovery" now... Still feels like the same thing, and I'm running out of gas.

How do we stay strong on the outside without crumbling to dust inside?

Something for a lot of people just now getting into recovery to realize is that Kim and her H are at the one year point. Though she registered in 2005 and has been dealing with the affair for over 3 years, recovery has only been going on part of that time.

TTH, you have actually been in recovery efforts for 2 months! It will take about 2 years!

Kim, what specific things are you two doing to recover? Are you following MB guidelines to rebuild your love for each other. Are you spending time alone together in order to meet each other's ENs? Are you following PORH, POJA etc? Or has "life" interceded and you just fell back into the old patterns from before the A?


It's something we fight constantly at our house. Work takes its toll. The kids and granddaughter always seem to be around, the bills arrive every month, nobody picks up after themselves and life tends to fall into the same old rut day after day. Old habits (love busters) pop up from time to time and we begin to drift apart.

The difference now is that we have something we can do about it. We have methods that can be applied to make things better. Long standing issues and problems won't go away until they are dealt with individually, one at a time, but at least MB gives us a way to reconnect and feel better about the marriage while we work on those things.

Mark

Mark, very well said. Very realistic!

UGH. Just lost my post AGAIN.

trying to let go -- You make some good points about being so sad all the time. If I were in my H's shoes, it would be hard. It would make me feel more guilty. I will see what I can do to not be so sad all the time. But when I don't get the response I desire from H, I take it quite personally and I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I will try to do better.

I am probably being harder on myself than it really is. I tend to focus on my faults when I shouldn't.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with the sadness too.

Bad finances don't help things. I still have my banking information separate from H's. My finances are just fine though. I hope things turn around for you and your H. That would be one less thing to worry about. You've got enough as it is.

KayC - I don't know what to say, except to keep your eye on the goal. You have to be in this for the long haul. One day you will look back and this experience will be just a small do on your radar. Hang in there.

Jean!!!!! Hi to you! I wasn't sure if you were still on the board. Do you still have a thread? I'll have to hunt for it!! I think H is being very immature and selfish. He even told me he was just plain selfish. I wonder if I am trying to be controlling with his time? I would have thought he would want to spend more time with his family. I always remember you telling me that when you stopped being a WS you turned cartwheels for your H. That is what I expected from my WS.

I am not too big of a homebody though. Mostly during the week it is hard to get out and do things. Weekends are pretty open, but I do like to get housework and stuff done sometimes!!

Last I heard about Okie, she was divorced and had a boyfriend. Was very happy!!

I am having a hard time deciding how often is ok. to bring up our relationship and find out where his head is. He told me last night that he knew it was hard for me being on this rollercoaster ride.

TrytooHard - Yes, Plan A can be bad if done too long. But that I think is while the A is still going on. At least doing a Plan A in recovery the A factor is removed. But it IS hard when you feel like you aren't getting anything in return. Stay strong.

Mark - Thank you for reading. H is not interested in MB. He is willing to go back to counseling so I almost feel like we are starting all over again. We spend a fair amount of time together, nights after DS goes to bed mainly. We don't get out very often by ourselves. I kept waiting for H to initiate, but he never did. With my planning we have gone out a few times by ourselves and had a whole week together when DS went to visit parents.

So, no. We are not doing all we can to Recover. Can just one spouse save a M?? I saw that phrase posted somewhere here on MB.

I've got Harley's book on Surviving an Affair. I should pull that back out...maybe H will even read some of it if I leave it around.

This morning, H hugged me and told me he loved me. Kissed me (with a little bit of feeling).

I am not a quitter. I don't like to give up. Sometimes I feel like H is just waiting for the day when I get so fed up that I ask him to leave.

Last night when I was upset and he was telling me he thought we would be better off apart, I asked "Well, when do you want to move out then?" He said "I don't know."

Guess we'll just take this one day at a time. Celebrate the small steps. and Pray.

Kim - How about calling Steve Harley? Doing this the right way?

Have you searched his car for another phone?


Remember, Kimberly, this is what he did before. He had his affair at work.

If that is the case, I am not going to go through this again.


Kim, this will make the problem WORSE. In order to fall in love, you need to spend 15 hours a week together. The answer here is not more time ALONE, but more time TOGETHER. That is what will make a happy marriage.


Kim, this is not the answer. Y'all need to work on making your marriage the place that brings you both most happiness. That will not be acheived by pretending he is a single person. That will make the problem WORSE. You should be each others greatest source of happiness. looking for happiness OUTSIDE of your marriage is what led to his affair.

Will he come here and talk to us?

Kim:

No problem with feeling stupid...but the instincts and fear you feel now are not your imagination. Something is rotten here. Remember you always get waht you pay for. If you took him back broken and unwilling to do everything to save the marriage at all costs, then you are getting exactly what you purchased. I feel for you here, but put thissquare your broad shoulders girl...tough love. You know what is going on...now what are you going to do about it?

Lemonman, MD

Kim,

I was wondering...Do you think the fact that you did so well for yourself and DS bothers your H? You said he is still in a financial bind, you are fine. He left and you kept the house up, kept your finances up, you didn't shrivel up and wither away. Maybe H is feeling he is just not on your same level of maturity.

Questions I would ask your H:
1. Why did you come home-specifically. Was it for DS, easier finacials, love for Kim, guilt, affair not pan out. What made you think that home was a better place for you to be.

2. Do you want to be married, think ideal situation. If you could have the wife of your dreams, do you want to be married. Can you commit to the whole one woman as a partner for the rest of your life.

3. If you do want to be married, what is ideal wife like? (The impression I get is that your H would like to carry on like a single man with bar hopping and hanging out with the boys, then come home to the home you have created and taken care of and have you fawn over him. Picture 17 yo boy with a mother that will warm up the pot roast any time he decides to roll in).

4. What were the best parts of being seperated? What are the best parts of being married?

Kim,
As I am typing this, I start to get angry FOR you. Be damned if we should have to talk someone into staying married to us. He has tasted both worlds, if he likes that previous life then have at it. I can't remember the details of his OW and what his living arrangements were. Was his OW a step down from him, was she someone that he was "rescuing"?

What kind of marriage do you want and do you think in your gut that H can be a part of that? When you were in planB and thinking about the possibility of divorce, did you ever think about a future relationship? What did you decide that your furture relationship would look like.

It was funny that you showed up yesterday, right before I saw your post, I was on my way to Lowe's for more paint. I painted a bedroom yesterday, I was painting last time you were here too. I hope you hang around, apparently you motivate me somehow!

Kim,

As you can tell from the responses this may be more complicated than you realize.

You did say something that struck me.
Expectations often lead to resentment and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You have expectations, sorry that will NOT DO. You and your H should be using "radical honesty" and the POJA to negotiate what each of you will and won't do in this marriage. What each of you will and won't give in this marriage. What will make each of you happy in this marriage. I don't hear much about negotiations. I don't hear much about anything but your crying and deep sadness.

Look at this next statement and then go back to your first sentence to TTH.


Is this about you being hard on yourself, or is it about you KNOWINGLY being hard on your H via a tool you KNOW will in fact hurt? I am not trying to be harsh here.

Your H has much to make up for and from the sounds of it he is at least being honest with you about his feelings. The potential for an A IS there, but you have no evidence. The real problem is really simple the reactions of you two are more complex.

The question you need to ask yourself and then your H is
Let's face it you don't need him. You have shown you can take care of yourself. So if you don't need him, and he seems to make you cry all of the time, he is very likely asking himself "Why am I here? What am I needed for?" You are not making it very clear to him that he is needed. In fact, as a guy the message I would take from this would be "I'm hurting her, she doesn't need me, perhaps I should leave."

You two need to really talk. You first need to truly understand your source of sadness, your failure to see good things, and your focus on the negative (within yourself and clearly your H).

What is it you want and what makes you happy? Those are things you need to understand first and foremost.

At least that is my simple minded opinion.

God Bless,

JL

For what it is worth, Kim, I don't think that DH and I started a real recovery until I took control of my emotions. My tears made him feel like him being there was just hurting me more and he held me at arms length. I have said this repeatedly to other posters on these boards but through much prayer, I chose to heal. I chose not to trigger. I learned to be grateful that we were together, he was remorseful, we loved each other and we had a second chance. I did not sacrifice my boundaries by that choice and through all of this I learned to tell him how I felt and what I needed.

I am certainly no expert but almost thirteen months after D-Day, I not only feel that our M is recovered, I feel it is renewed. It is better than it has ever been. My DH has not embraced MB persay but he has embraced the principles. That is enough for me.

Life is about choices. My DH chose to have an A. In doing so he chose to hurt me like I have never been hurt and nearly destroyed our M. Then he chose me. He humbled himself and asked forgiveness. That is to me the most important choice he made and it allows me to totally forgive him for the others.

Simplistic? Maybe. I don't know if that POV helps but I wish you luck and love.

God's Blessings,

Say