Recently, I found out that my wife (of over 10 years) was texting a single guy (some times up to 1,500 text messages to and from this guy in a month). According to her, there is nothing going on - they are just friends and all they do is text they don't talk on the phone or meet. My wife knows that it bothers/hurts me, but she states that she is not doing anything wrong (they are just friends) and that I don't trust her. She has stated that if I did it to her she would leave me. She deletes the texts messages right after she receives or sends them. So even if I was able to look at her cell phone, I wouldn't be able to read the messages.

Due to some past issues that she is dealing with, she needed her space and moved out. We still see and talk to eachother everyday and do family trips and outings. I still love her very much and I am very supportive while she is dealing with her emotional issues, but I can't deal with the texting to and from this guy. For instance, in the last ten days she has sent and received a total of about a thousand text messages. Over 700 has been either to or from this guy.

Because I want our marriage to work out and I am still in love with her, I want to beleive her that nothing is going on, but I can't stop looking at the cell phone bill and seeing the number of text messages to and from this guy (she rarely calls him on the phone). Then when I see it I get hurt and upset. She knows that I can look at the bill daily on-line if I want to and actually looking is drivng me crazy.

She and all of our friends know how much I love her and that I would not leave her, but what can I do? Again I want our marriage to work out, but I'm scare to ask her to choose (not knowing if the choice will be in my family's or my favor).

Any suggestions would help. Thank you

That is what all waywards say and do when they are having an affair.

Do you know who the OM is? How did your WW meet him?

Do you have any children?

((Slice)) So sorry you are here.

Your W is involved in an EA. My H had an EA (text messages/phone calls) with a coworker. W/n a few short weeks, he was confused and didn't seem to care very much about me or our children.

Please read this start-up guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses. Everything that is discussed applies to you, the same as if you found out your W was having a PA.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Your biggest problem right now is the EA, not the emotional issues she is telling you about.

How do you know OM is single?

Hang in there. The MB plan has a great chance to work...if you stick to it!

I have met him a couple of times (he works for the same organization that I do so he is on the company email). I have confronted him on this situation (oddly enough it was thru texting him). From what I understand, they went to high school together (he knew of her, but she didn't know him). A couple of years ago, she went out with some high school friends that she still talks to weekly. In the bar by her friends work is where they met. The texting started shortly afterward. I have been dealing with it since then. Now it's just getting harder and harder.

She has a 16 year old from a prior marriage (his dad is still in the picture and I have known him since he was 3). We have an 11 year old together.

Text messages are what clued me in to my WW's A. All of a sudden we had 1200 of them in a month, and never had more than 10 or 20 ever before. She told me the same thing, she was just texting a lot with her friends, and didnt realize there were that many. Well, the next month there were 1200 or so again. When I checked her phone, I saw they had all been deleted. I asked her about it, and she told me she normally deletes them to free up space. Well, eventually I checked her phone after she fell asleep and found what I never wanted to find.

slice, sorry to tell you this but you can rest assured your
w is in a full blown affair with this OM.
Do you know who he is? You are going to need to expose this A to everone who can possibly have an influence over your Ww's thinking. Is OM married? If so, immediately call his W and let her know what's going on here.

Needing space around here is codeword for I want to continue my affair without your interference.

Need more info to proceed. How long married? Any children? Is OM a co worker?

All blessings,
Jerry

Slice,

Your WW moving out because "she needs her space", is just an excuse to continue her affair. I hope for your sake that it's only texting (EA), but the odds are that your wife has not stopped at an EA. Hard to hear, and I hate typing it, but you should brace yourself. IMO

edit: Shinethrough beat me to it...listen to Shinethrough, Slice...he is 100% correct. Expose WW for the cheater that she is if you want to put a stop to the affair.

Read up on how to plan A your WW. She is having an EA.

Tell WW that those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.
So show you the texts recieved and sent.

So she left you and your son?

Do you know where OM lives? Is he married? How old is he?

You need to get intel on him so you can expose this A to everyone.

I do know where he lives and works, what is home phone and cell phone numbers. I know that he is not married and the last I heard he did not have a girlfriend. I don't know exactly how old he is, but he is younger than my wife (I would say he is in his late 30's). My step son is with us every other week. So, my son is over at the appartment when my step son is there. My son is also there when I have to go to work.

We recently went on vacation together and everything was like we were newlyweds. She didn't text him the entire 2 weeks. Then when we got back it started back up. We were supposed to have a "family day" yesturday and she got really emotional for some reason and was "moving slow." The 4 of us ended up spending 2 hour together. I looked on-line for my cell phone and she was texting him from 8:30am until 2pm (when she came to the house to get me). There were a total of 160 text messages to and from him during that time period. It hasn't updated yet - so I don't know if she started to text him after she got back to the appartment.

My wife has had trust issues, due to prior boyfriends cheating on her. She has always told me that because of her past and what has happened to her she would never cheat on me. My heart still wants to believe everything will work out and this is just a phase, but my head is telling me different.

slice, that is because you have not read about plan A yet,correct?

You see slice, as in your above quote, you are simply hoping things will change, but as anyone around here can tell you, HOPE is NOT a plan.

are you ready for a plan to bust up the A and bring your WW home to her family again?

Let us know?

All Blessings,
Jerry

Ok, hire a PI and get your proof of the A.

And find out everything you can about OM...where his parents live, where he goes to church, who his friends are. So, you can expose him.


In other words, she wants to keep things SECRET from you.

Get your proof and then you can go to work on ending this A.


Things MAY still work out for your M. MB offers plans that will help you end this A and recover your M.

It's a VERY good thing your head sent you here!

Read everything you can on this site.

And keep posting.

Plan A is what you need to do starting right now.

There is a lot of information about plan A on this site. Look for it and read it.

A brief snyopsis of it is listed below.

(It was stolen shamelessly from pepperband (thanks pep!))


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

You realize she is addicted to the TMs, right? Is there any other explanation for 1000s of TMs in one month???

My H is now not foggy anymore, and he has confirmed that he was addicted to the texting and phone calls.

He didn't intend to "cheat"...but EAs are a slippery slope...a few TMs and phone calls later and he couldn't help himself anymore. It took him a while to accept that what he was doing was "cheating".

Like your wife, he wanted to blame his confusion on other things. This is textbook for the WS.

You can help your wife with her first step out of her fog. It is called Exposure. This is what I did and it WORKS.

My WW told me the same jargon...don't trust your heart right now...trust your head...it's right...she's cheating.

I just replied to your other thread... and suggested you post to GQII. I see you already have!

You are getting excellent advice. There are very definite steps to Plan A, please listen to the advice here and follow them.

Why don't you cancel the texting feature on your phone service, or better yet, completely cancel the phone altogether?

That would stop the messaging problem.


You should probably also camp out in front of where your WW is living right after you do it, so you can follow her when she goes berserk. She will run to him, and he will comfort her. You will have your proof then.

SB