Long story short: After 33 yrs of marriage, 4/1/05 my DH confessed that he'd had a 6 mo. affair. It was very intense. She's a cocaine addict and he "rescued" her countless times. Family would have nothing to do w/her, etc. So he was her only help. Blah, blah, blah.
Being w/my mother at her deathbed was not as painful as this. I truly thought (and wished) I would die. His promise to have no contact was broken time after time during the following 2 yrs. I'd find out -- he'd promise again -- then see/contact again -- I'd find out, ad nauseum. I don't know WHY I've allowed myself to take this. I see myself as a wimp - a doormat. Anyhow, he does love me. But he also considered (considers?) himself "in love" w/her.
About halfway into all this, I signed up for GPS location svc with his Nextel cell without his knowledge and was able to track him and catch him in several lies. Once he caught on, he just began to leave his cell and bought Net10's for himself and OW. He worked out of town and was able to get by with all this much easier.
I think he has finally "let go" as of last summer, but I just can't trust because of all the deceptions. I bought a Boost phone w/Accutracking installed, but I'm afraid to put it in his truck for fear of being caught. But I HAVE bought a tiny digital tape recorder. (DH talks to himself a LOT) I discovered that he had kept something she wrote up until recently. But less and less he talks about her.
My question: am I wrong to use this recorder? I am trying to find his REAL thoughts. I know he usually just tells me what I want to hear. I need to know what's truly in his mind.
I apologize for being so long winded. I have NO ONE to talk to. My family doesn't know anything and I don't have any close friends. Have seen a counselor, but can't afford to keep that up. We are in Chapter 13--his business wound up eating us alive. And guess what -- most of the damage was done during his affair. Even though he would tell me how wrong his actions were and how God was punishing him for what he had done, he was still doing it!!! Oh, he did have several visits w/a counselor after one REALLY BAD setback we had. Apparently he also has sexual addiction.

No. You're only wrong if you don't use it.

Buy a hidden tracking device.

http://www.landairsea.com/

This one works with Google Earth. Expensive but accurate.

yes, you are worng to use this device. It is highly illegal in all states (some will permit recording if you are part of the conversation) and IMHO, unethical.

Find another way...a polygraph would be a great option. If he refuses to take it and clear up your worry, divorce him and go live a happy life.


http://www.citmedialaw.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations

Thank you both. Wow. Two opinions that are exact opposites.
Since we are in such financial woes, I cannot afford the tracking device. And I do have the Boost phone w/accutracking. If I put it in his truck, I could track him in real time. But I'm terrified that he might find it. He works out of his truck and has tools, equipment, etc scattered all about. As for the tape recorder, I've never had nerve to put it in his truck. I have no fear of the legal issue arising, but I know how it would make him feel if he found either. I know how it probably would make me feel.
Polygraph? I can only imagine how much that would cost, and it would probably make him feel just as violated as finding the recorder.
I just need something besides his words to me. They don't mean much at this point. He just wants me to be "normal" again. To "put it all in the past" and not think about it. He does not want any more conflict. Well, neither do I, but after two years of cat and mouse, I can't do that. I need something concrete. Everything he now promises, he has already promised in the recent past--and has broken. He doesn't like to talk about it because "it hurts me". I have heard that line during the whole debacle. If his primary concern was not to hurt me, then he wouldn't have been doing those things in the first place. His primary concern was not getting caught. And, if caught, to sweep it all under the rug and continue to live his two lives.
Truly, though, I think he has finally stopped contact. But if she tries to get in touch w/him (which she will when she gets into trouble again and can't find any other sucker to help her out), chances are he will cave in. She is the queen of manipulation.
Other than whatever lingering emotions he has for her and the turmoil that I still have inside, we are getting along great. We can talk much better than ever. I don't want to spoil that--but this mistrust is like a cancer. I HAVE to have a way to find what truly is in his heart/mind.

They can be done for as little as $400.

As for his feeling violated...NO, since yo are not being deceitful...just cautious. He has shown his word is not worth anything...so why do you continue to waste time on him??? You say you get along great...but that he breaks his promises. I guess I don't understand that.

Since he has betrayed you int he past, you have a right to know if he is being honest now (most likely he isn't). A polygraph would clear that up in two hours time.

I wasn't aware of the law on recording. Then I would definitely go GPS. You are looking to catch his lies. That should work.

Hi noy,

No. You are NOT wrong to use the device you have, the GPS thing-a-ma-jig. What kind of truck does he have? I am VERY good at hiding things like recorders (Unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on your POV.)

Yep, money wasted on A. BTDT.

You need to expose the affair. I didn't have any close friends, either. It was just WH and me, together against the world, until the A, of course. I had my family but I didn't want to tell them. I told my sister at first and she was the only one who knew for a long time.

I don't know about you but I felt boxed in with no way out and I didn't know what to do. Then God helped me find MB. You are in the right place!

If she owns the vehicle that's fine...if not..it is also illegal.

Wow, you might want to check with the state and federal government about that.

In addition, IF he has anyone else in his vehicle...including the OW HO, you are also committing a crime against her.

Be smart and do not put yourself in a bad situation over an unworthy man.

The GPS? This is something folks say to do all the time around here. Why is it different in this case?

The recorder? Sure if it's FHIO.

Charlotte

This story covers GPS as well as listening to anothers conversations.

http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20060903&slug=brodeur03m

I am advocating using common sense and not breaking the law.

The GPS is fine if you own the car.

People advocate breaking the law all the time around here. It isn't right...but they do it nonetheless. I guess they feel the end justifies the means.

A polygraph can cost as little as $250-$300...but there's a reason they are inadmissible in court...some people are good at passing them even though they lie, and some people are so naturally nervous they can't pass if they tell the truth. They aren't 100% effective.
Why would anyone want a H they have to track all the time? If, after a long period of time, you still have to spy, I'd have to rethink things.

Yeah, and BSs are ENCOURAGED to snoop and find out the truth, no? This advice is given all of the time here.

GPS, cell phones, keyloggers, etc. Gather info and expose the affair.

What is so different about her case? That is what I am wondering. I don't get where you are coming from medc.

Charlotte

Polygraphs are very accurate and exceptionally few people can fool them. As for nervousness, that would reflect in every answer including the baseline queries.

The reason they are inadmissible has nothing to do with accuracy...although that is a common fallacy...it has to do with a persons right against self incrimination.

Polygraphs are frequently used in criminal matters to exclude a person from being a suspect.

I am NOT in favor...IN ANY CASE...of advocating breaking the law to catch a cheater. So, I do not understand the question. My view on this is pretty consistent.

If you own the computer...put a keylogger on it. If not don't.

If you own the car...feel free to put a GPS on it.

NEVER use a VAR. It is always illegal.

Thank you for clarifying. I want to make sure I don't give anyone erroneous information here.

Of course breaking the law is not wise but I see this type of info handed out all of the time here. It is up to the individual if they want to get info that way for peace of mind, IMO.

I think using the GPS will tell her what she needs to know, though.

Charlotte

Are you wrong to spy? If you know something's going on and need the proof for yourself.

I say do what you need to do.

It's also possible to become obsessed with it, at which point can do more damage than good (end up in court). Like the case medc linked to, an estranged wife, she filed an RO, her H continued his obsession with tracking and phyically following her.

I don't suspect you will end up in court for passively tracking your H location to gain piece of mind he's not cheating on you.

If I drive 5 mph over the speed limit, I don't expect the be fined for wreckless driving. Yet I was breaking the law.

I guess this helps make my point. You CAN be ticketed for speeding though....and should be since it is a speed LIMIT.

I think people are better off following the law. There are enough LEGAL things that one can do that they do not need to resort to the illegal.

Just my opinion.

If you can spy within the legal limits and gain what is needed, by all means I agree.

Many people do not have the option to monitor a corporate supplied computer, cell phone. Spouses who travel frequently. Many can not afford to reatain a PI, etc.

Do what you need to do. Just don't get obssesed with it.