My WS has had an EA for over a year now. I have worked through a lot of phases and made many real positive changes in my life. She has not met her "lover" as he is overseas but she continues to proceed with the divorce and expects to see if things will work out with OM when the D is finalized.

If you have worked a good Plan A (she has seen the differences in me and acknowledged that I'm not the same person) can divorce be the ultimate Plan B or is the WS so committed to separation by that point that it's just too late?

Have you even started Plan B yet? You don't have to wait for D. It will also benefit you personally regardless of the outcome.

Hi Tabby,
No, I remain living at home with my STBX and DD4 for a number of reasons so I have not started Plan B. It looks like the D will go through as she is cake-eating and doesn't yet know what she'll lose but as I said I'm not going to leave the house and I can't see Plan B working while living under the same roof.

Plan B doesn't work well under the same roof.

If she gets divorced, that may be a huge wake up call. Does OM know she's getting divorced to be with her? My bet is the whole thing falls through.

Thanks GG - that's what I'm figuring too about being under the same roof so I continue to improve myself, eliminate LBs and enjoy every day that I can wake up with DD in the same house. It is hard, really hard but I have learned patience, tolerance and self control like I didn't know I was capable of. I am a happier, better person than I've been in years, despite the tragedy.

Months ago OM got freaked out and tried to break off the EA when he saw my profile saying that my wife was leaving me for someone she met on the Internet. WW convinced him (as she's convinced herself) that the A has nothing to do with the D and they remained "together." When we met with lawyers and I said I was going to engage a Guardian Ad Litem to ensure DD's best interests were considered, WW's lawyer agreed that OM should fly out and meet me and the GAL since they were planning for him to move here after the D and start a life together (although they've never met in person, only in-game an on webcam). He freaked again and WW claims she was "dumped," although she did say that she plans to fly out to him after the D.

Many people tell me that there is every chance the whole thing falls through and very little chance that it will work out with them so I wonder if there is a chance the fog will lift at that point even though the marriage will be a casualty. Either way, I am feeling more and more as if I will be OK either way.

-JC

Yes, I'm thinking the fog will lift, but then I know about nothing.

Sometimes, the affairs aren't really the cause of the divorce, the affairs simply make it easier for the WS to move on. Professionals call them "exit affairs." But, your wife doesn't seem involved in one of those. Supposedly, those having exit affairs know from the get-go there is no way it will work out. Incredibly selfish.

If she really wanted to get rid of you, why didn't she move out? I moved out of my house when XH refused--that was so that I didn't lose control and try to kill him.

So, assuming the fog lifts, then if you still want her, you've got a choice. But, by golly, I wouldn't take her back unless she's willing to stay off the internet period. It's amazing how people can get sucked into a fantasy land that is so powerful.

BTW, does OM know she's planning to visit him?

What about financing a plane ticket for her to "surprise" him? I think a good dose of reality would be in order. I wouldn't be surprised if OM has no intention of even meeting her in real life. Maybe he has a wife and kids that he has no intention of leaving.

I have noticed that patience can be a virtue...ambivalence can hold this situation...but, true to form, the incidental relationships tend to fall by the wayside...just look at the statistics. I any case, I have noticed people in this situation are on different timelines...One is willing to wait, but they tire...When the affair inevitably ends, and is mourned, the WS turns...but it's too late...

I say, use that restraint and control to wait it out...try to converge...and maybe there will be some point where a new starting place can be found...

Dr. Harley says most affairs die on their own whether you do anything or not. However, the Plans can move that along a bit AND make the M seem far more attractive to the WS than either the A or being alone.

I am a little concerned in your sitch - are you or have you considered going for custody - or at least 50%? Since you are still living with DD, you have a much better chance.

The other thing I'm concerned about is that Plan A is not simply bending over backwards to meet your WW's ENs and no LBing. You also have to apply the stick of Plan A. Have you exposed? Have you eliminated all possible forms of support of the A? I have a feeling you haven't done this if you are in some agreement of DD moving in with OM - and I think everybody here will tell you not to allow that under any circumstances. Here is your ammunition: your WW is free to leave to be with OM, but you don't want any lyin' cheatin' scumbag near your daughter. Your WW can spend her own time and money to be with OM - that means you don't support any activity that involves her seeing him. If she wants to live in the house, she has to cut him loose. Until those divorce papers are signed, you are MARRIED. If she can't give you the decency of respect of that situation, she can leave. Alone, without DD.

Yes it's tough and it sound's like LBing but as long as you don't use disrespectful judgements in the delivery, it is not. You can sit around and wait and maybe OM will bugger off but WW will be the same foggy WW looking for a new OM until you snap her out of it with a reality check.

Thanks again to all who have taken the time to read and comment

GreenGables:
WW has said (without prompting) that she is being selfish. She hasn't moved out because her lawyer advises she may lose her share of the house if I claim abandonment. IF I still want her back is key. I am already in that strange, mostly ambivalent place about our relationship. I think I would consider it more for DD's sake at this point, and the fact that we share many more common interests and tastes than anyone else I've been with. Full disclosure, openness and internet access restrictions are a prerequisite to any discussion of course. I don't know if OM knows she is still planning to visit. She bought plane tickets at Christmas to go see him but hours later told me that "the timing isn't right" (I read this as OM told her to stay away). I asked her recently why she hadn't gone out to meet him and she said, "because we're not divorced yet." What she doesn't know is that while she believes he is 37 and never married, I have discovered that he is recently divorced with a daughter of his own. Reality is definitely in order but we'll see when it manages to peek through.

Blackn:
Thank you for the insightful words. I don't know if I have the stamina. I have been waiting for so long (almost a year now) and just this weekend the song popped in my head, "I'm so tired. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of waiting for youuuuuuuuu..." It does seem that the place for a new beginning would be after the divorce if at all, and that it would certainly be a completely new dynamic and not anything like it used to be.

Tabby:
Indeed, I am going for custody. I have been told by my counselor, the guardian ad litem and my lawyer that it is up to me to present a parenting plan. I struggle with how much time I can allow DD4 to be alone with WW since I am dismayed at the lack of care she received while WW was enjoying her EA. I have come home unexpectedly to find WW alone in her room behind closed doors while DD4 sat in saturated diapers watching hours of television unsupervised. This and many other behaviors I described caused my counselor to describe it as "borderline neglect." They are also reasons that I have decided to allow my lawyer to pursue a psychiatric evaluation if she does not agree to go to a counselor with me to explore how I can find a comfort level with her parenting abilities.

I exposed many many months ago and have done everything reasonable I can think of to eliminate support for the A, including shutting off the internet (she installed a separate phone line and internet account while I was at work, that SHE can pay for as you said). I calmly expressed many times that it was disrespectful for her to continue the A while remaining under the roof I was paying for but as I said, she has admitted her selfishness and continues. She DOES claim that OM has "dumped" her now but that they continue to talk. As long as they continue to talk I know she has a dream of them being together one day.

I'm ALWAYS open to ideas for pulling back the curtain of fantasy and deceit and allowing the sunlight of reality into a darkened home and relationship!!

Thanks again to everyone!!
-JC