Since I found out 1 month ago my H was having an affair for 3 months it's like he can't show me enough that he loves me. On a trip away last weekend I didn't feel special like I thought I would. I'm doing everything I can to make him see how important he is to me but I don't feel he's doing anything special for me. How am I suppose to say something when I want him to do it because he wants to not because I made him. He was away on our anniv. so I thought he would put a lot of effort into this weekend. I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes. But I need small things from him that comes from his heart not his billfold. He's never been romantic. But I really need that right now. Should I just forget about it? And accept he is who he is? I just wanted extra affection. He went out and bought a new motorcycle. We had 5 hours to wait on my flight. I felt bad because I knew all he was doing was wanting to ride it(he works out of state). I told him he could drop me off at the airport early. I really wanted him to say no way. But he did anyway. Then called me 5 min. later and asked me if I wanted him to pick me up I said no because he was already on his way back to his apartment. Then called me after my plane landed and said how bad he felt. How am I supposed to feel about that?

Why are you living apart?

God's Blessings,

Say

Hi TFA,

I'm sorry you found yourself here but you are in the right place at MB.

You said you found out he was having an affair for 3 months. I take it he is still having it?

If this is the case then you are no longer top priority to him, his OW is. You are a source of guilt for him. Yeah, you see love in his eyes. I saw it in my WH's too while at the same time he was carrying on hot and heavy with OW.

You being so far away is not good, either. It's easier for him to put you out of his head and justify his actions.

Have you read up on Plan A? What do you need to do in order for the two of you to be in the same home?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Whoa....

I am not excusing his affair or blaming that on you. Don't get me wrong.

But MEN are not wired like you. They don't think the same way.... I guarantee, he has NO IDEA why you would be upset when you told him to go.....and he went....

I will never forget the last trip I made to Tennessee and the last time I saw my mother alive.... my mom was ill and sleeping a lot....

There is NO DOUBT IN MY MIND WHATSOEVER that my dad loved my mom. He had nothing but praise in his mouth for her, ever....

We all decided to have barbecue sandwiches for dinner. My dad and I headed out to his favorite emporium.... we arrived home, and mom was sound asleep. My dad and I sat down, and ate, and left some for mom.

When she awoke, she was crying and couldn't believe we didn't wake her to eat with us....

My dad, even though he was 83 years old and had been married to her for 54 years, continuously, didn't "get it".... why she would be so upset over a barbecue sandwich....after all, he left some for her....what was the problem?

Funny, I'm 37 years his junior, but I fully understood that it wasn't just a barbecue sandwich to her.... AFTER she was so upset about it. I don't think dad ever did.....that it was, to her, one of the last times she would ever have dinner with her family....

Oh God, that I could go back and not do that again....

My H works out of state that's why we live apart.

So, should I have been honest with him from the beginning. I've always been a people pleaser. I don't like to say no. Though, no one else has a problem saying it to me.
I guess that's one of my prolems with the affair. I would have done anything for him to prevent that.

TFA,

I moved this post from the forum you first posted in so others would have more background info on your situation.

Charlotte

I'm including a link to the thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=151504&Number=2082844#Post2082844

There's a lot going on with Toofaraway right now. I'm really very concern about how much she seems to be blaming herself for her husband having an affair.


Toofar, you need to own what's yours, and leave the rest. You are not in control of your husband's behavior. Blaming yourself is suggests you are in control.

OH, as for the small romantic gestures, that's one that I would let go. Instead, I'd go for BIG protective gestures like he calls you every night, he has a survaillance camera in his apartment that you can view online at any time. He sends a No Contact letter to the OW.

My H has areed to get web cams. About me needing counseing for my abuse issues. I was abused for 6 years without telling anyone. My H and I started dating the day before I had a melt down and told everyone. He stood by me through all of it. The trial, lie detector and everything else. He and a lot of other people still don't know details. I figure the less they know the better off they are.
Many people don't believe you because you wait so long to say anything. Both of my parents were pulling me in different directions, telling me how I should handle the situation which just made it worse. He never did though, he was patient and didn't judge me for my decisions.
After that I had a breakdown. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar, post-tramatic stress disorder, depression, and other things. Yet again he stayed with me. I've seen counselors over the years but it never seemed they quite understood.
So, I've always relied on him. So, with the current situation I feel if he stayed by me through all of that don't I owe him the opportunity to do anything to save my marriage. That's why I don't think I could ever trust another man. Don't I owe him for basically giving me sanity?
I told him I thought about seeing a counselor last night. He said if that's what I needed to do it. He also said that if I wanted to tell anyone to go ahead. That I shouldn't have to be alone. But when I asked him if I would have made him leave if he would have fought for me he said that not until he realized what he had and what he was going to lose. He said now he do anything to keep me. That it was a selfish thing he did. And that I mean everything to him. Should I feel more confident now? Also, this was a very big deal for me to share my past. Honestly, I can't believe I did. I just thought it might make it easier to understand why I feel the way I do.

your marriage will certainly fail if you continue to live apart...of that I am 100% certain. You have enough issues going on that make any relationship difficult.

Serious therapy and marital coaching should be in order. BUT, the very first thing is to get together.

Many hugs, Toofar. You shared your past because it affects how you handle the crisis you're in right now, and really we're a pretty safe place. There are several people here who have been abused.

Your H stood by you, and that's wonderful. Just don't forget that you also saved yourself. You couldn't have done it alone maybe, but YOU were really important to saving yourself. Do not sell yourself short.

I can also see from your story why exposure may be so unattractive to you. When you came forward about the abuse, it was chaos. You don't want that again.

FWIW, I really believe TooFar, that this isn't so much a sign that you have major issues in your marriage so much as you two just don't have enough time together in order to maintain your relationship the way your husband needs.

I'm really glad he wants to save the marriage. That's a good sign. His answers seem honest and he seems to repent. That's great. Talk to him and brain storm options so that you two are together 80% of the time. Nothing is more important than your marriage, certainly not the money. Children would much rather live with a nuclear family in a small apartment than have two house with their parents split up.

Toofar,

I am not going to address the other issues in your marriage, just the ones I see in this first post, OK?

Let me ask you:

1. How is your H at reading minds?

2. Do you realize that by letting him know what you need, you are helping HIM, be happier?

3. Do you like your H how he is, most of the time?

I already know the answers to these questions, and I hope you have taken some time to reflect on them yourself.

First, that answer to #1 is that your H stinks at reading minds. How do I know? There are few if ANY on this planet that can read minds. Further, as a poster just pointed out he is a guy. Yes, a special guy to you, but still a guy. So coupling his lack of mindreading ability with being a guy and you are getting what you got.

You can test him all you like, and you have been testing him, and he will fail the mindreading test every time. He will fail the female outlook test as well. The worst part is he knows he is failing, all of us guys know that, we just don't understand why there is a test and how to pass it.

If you want him happy, then tell him what you need to feel happy. Tell him the little things you want and need from him. You are NOT making him do anything, but what you are doing is making it easier for him to do "something".

I have a story for you. It occured here on MB many many years ago. I have forgotten the posters name, but she came here with the complaint that her H did not buy her anything for special events. I believe it was I that recommended that she make up a list of things she would like as a present for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas ect.

She rebelled saying it wasn't a gift if she had to tell him what she wanted. My reply that although it was on the list, it was his choice to buy anything or if he bought something what he bought. We batted this around for a few days and finally she agreed. She gave him a list of what she would like for her anniversary. SHE GOT THE SURPRISE OF HER LIFE.

Do you know what she got? EVERY SINGLE THING ON HER LIST. Her H was so happy to know what she really wanted and he wanted to buy her something that made her happy, that he bought everything. It turns out, that was the problem. He wanted to make her happy, didn't know what she wanted, and was fearful of making the wrong choice. So he (as us guys often do) decided to not make a mistake and didn't buy her anything.

She was amazed. She had no idea what the problem really was but assumed it was that he did not care for her, love her, or want her happy. This kind of assumption is called a disrespectfull judgement, DJ. Read about them in the love busters section here.

My point, don't set him up to fail, and then feel resentment that he did fail. Set him up to succeed and enjoy getting what you want and need.

I repeat I don't know your H, but I do KNOW that he is no mindreader.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL