All:

Cruise and I are moving to Plan D. We tell the kids tonight. Thank you for all your advice over the past few years. I'll be moving over to the Divorcing/Divorced forum for future advice.

Todd

I'm really sorry to hear this Todd. Sorry for you, cruise and your poor kids.

All the best. I hope it makes you happy but I doubt it.

I feel sorry for you both and the kids. This is a sad thing to happen after all of these years...if nothing else has happened to push this to the brink, I am sad that you were not able to move past her affair. Cruise...at least from the outside...always seemed willing to make amends and be a good wife. It always seemed as though this was hanging over her head as a delayed punishment. I hope my assessment is wrong.

I hope the two of you find happiness and that you...Todd..continue working through your intimacy issues.

Best of luck to you both. Take care of your kids.

MEDC

Hi Todd,

I am really sad to hear this. I haven't read any of your posts, but can you please tell me what led up to this decision? The reason why I'm asking, is because I'm going through a situation with my FWH about D. Our Dday is this 4th of July. I'm really depressed. He wants our M saved, but he's not making the moves to get the counseling for us. He deployed last 7/6/07, then returned 2/3/08. After his return we went to MC/IC together. Then he left again on 4/13/08 and just returned home last week. The deployments have made it very difficult for us to recover. But all he evre mentions when he was away through e-mails, is that he wants our M to work and he would do whatever it takes. At the sametime I'm having my difficulties letting go some of the pain/anger from the A. After my H left a second time this year, I received 2 IC sessions with SH, I let my H know about them. He was suppose to do the same when he returned. I also was offered by one of our Pastor's from our church, that he wouldn't mind providing counseling for the both of us when he returns. The in person MC we received earlier in the year was me who had took action. All books we have read for MR was also action taken by me. Our previous MC weren't much help, they wanted to really help us, but from observation, they didn't seemed experienced with infidelity issues.

Well we got into an arguement last night about how I'm still affected by this A. He still has his defenses. I had told him his defensiveness is going to just distant us. There are certain times he seems like he's there for me and really remorseful, but when I get upset, because I had triggered or I'm quiet and not wanting to be affectionate, a push and pull game starts. Well anyways... I can't see out M survivng if he's not taking action on the things we've discussed, that he's admitted to making excuses of being lazy on his part. It's really draining me to know that he's not making the effort, almost as if he's trying to forget, so we don't go to counseling. When I asked him last night why hasn't he called for us to get counseling or for him to receive IC, he tells me that he's reached out, but he can't afford it. Then I asked him, if he asked anyone from church, his reply was no. I asked him, how long am I suppose to wait for us to receive help, he had no answer. I've been waiting on my H to take care and clean the mess he has made for 7 months, then another almost 3 months. I know he's been back for only a week, but during that week he has had a total of 4 days off. None of those days he picked up the phone or searched on the internet for help. So when I told him last night at the peak of our arguement, I mentioned maybe we ahould just D. He replies, I guess I failed as a father and that I"m not gonna fight you, which I took as he's giving up.

Enough about my sitch... and I'm really sorry you and your W are ending in D. I hope you guys really don't.

BTW... my H has downloaded some of the basic concepts and others that I'm unsure of from this site. He also made an account, but hasn't yet posted. Thanks for reading... take care.

Todd,

Medc pretty much summed in up. I'm sorry too!

S&C

Sorry to hear it Todd. I really thought the two of you would make it. But I don't fault you for your choice. Sometimes an affair is the end, and especially all of the lies that follow the affair.

I remember reading your posts very closely.
I wondered how things were going.
It's been awhile so details are blurred.

So what I remember verse's the facts maybe off.
I thought your WW finally told you everything, and showing remorse.

Did you two get counciled by the best? The Harley's.
If not is working with the Harley's worth it for your children?
If you haven't, why not, you still could get a D later.

There was something about you and your wife. The both of you had me rooting for you as a family.

Yesterday was the third-worst day of my life. Absolute worst was D-Day #2, Second-worst was D-Day #1.

The kids have not processed it yet, and I understand that. But it was actually difficult (physically) to open my mouth and speak the words.

I did not want this. Cruise did not want this. But we simply could not reach a common understanding. The counselor said yesterday we "sounded like" those couples he's counseled in the past when they were done. At the same time, there is still some emotion (he used the word "passion") in what we were saying to him. On completely opposite sides...but said with passion. Anyway...

Running on very little sleep today. It's a good thing the interview I had scheduled had to be postponed, as I doubt I would make a great impression today.

Todd

Todd,

I am so sorry you and Cruise find yourself in this position. I am praying for you and the kiddo's.

And you know what, who knows what the future brings???? Maybe you and Cruise need to find a life for yourselves and heal yourself for now. Who knows what may happen afterwards........

not2fun


ps...B, your post so frightens me....

Jesus Christ...there is the common understanding.


Todd, I am sorry to hear you both are heading to Divorce.

But we've had that conversation in the past, it was rejected then, it seems it continues to be rejected.

It IS hard to let go of the hurt and take down the walls, but unless it is done, divorce will be the outcome, not a recovered marriage.

The scars your children will carry will be there for the rest of their lives, please do all that both of you can to explain to them that they are NOT the cause (they will likely think so) and why you two ARE splitting their world.

Todd

I'm very sorry.

Sometimes the combination of variables between a couple and a situation mean that a happy recovery is possible.

Sometimes an uneasy recovery.

Sometimes no recovery is possible except personal recovery.

The affair, the long, long period of lying was clearly just too much for you to ever get past.

Maybe alone on these boards I understand how Cruise's eventual high effort to recover was not enough for you. Nothing is enough to mitigate for so very many happy life events being polluted in retrospect.

I pray that you have both learned from your experiences and behaviours, and I KNOW that your kids will be as well supported as any kids from a broken home can be.

I pray God's blessing upon you both, and that healing will follow the horrible mess that awaits you.

Bob