My tale of woe starts with finding out about my husband's affair and is ending with our divorce - which will soon be final.

Although I didn't know about it the whole time, the affair has been going on for two years and he has waffled back and forth during the year that I have known - even after he filed for divorce. He has already moved in with the ow and yet, I recently ask him one last time to end it with her and move home to work on our marriage. After much thought, he declined.. stating that he didn't want to give up something that could be wonderful for the loneliness of being married to me.

I feel like it's time to completely let go and get over him. I am having such a hard time all of a sudden. Maybe because the end is so near.

I have gone out on a few dates with other men but feel horribly guilty about it. Like I'm betraying him in some way. I just want my old husband back.

Does anyone have any advice on how to really move on?

Patience and time. Moving on is not something you can "do" so much as allow it to happen to you. One day you wake up, and suddenly you're over it.

The way to allow it to happen is to start doing stuff. Take up new hobbies, meet new friends, etc.

I wouldn't try to date for a long while. It will just add stress, and it reminds you of what you want but don't have.

Greengables has given you very good advice.

Read here what you can.

Forgive yourself and your STBXH.

Find a friend or a support group for divorced people. You can only understand about divorce if you have been through one!!!

Take a class on something that interest you through the community Ed program in your area.

Dawn

You are both right.. I need to get out and make new friends. My current group of friends is always busy doing family stuff. I guess that's probably why the interest in dating... someone to do stuff with..

A big problem I am having is that stbx checks on me and questions where I am if I'm not at home. He also implies that he still wants sex even though he is with ow. I won't do it but I don't understand why he leads me on one minute and runs to ow the next.

What do I say to him when he starts interrogating me about where I have been? It's really none of his business at this point but I'm having a hard time with this.

Repeat this over and over to yourself so you can say it to him. It is NONE of his business. This silenced my WstbxH when I first said it to him. He should also not be popping over at your house unannounced. Be careful because you never know what he could be doing. My WstbxH stole a number of items both from inside the house and out in the shed before I found out. I changed the locks as soon as the house was completely in my name, but DS let him in one day and he stole some of my things as well as my roommates (who had just moved in). Good for you for not giving in to SF with him - he's just looking to cake eat.

Have you read up on Plan B here? I'm actually using it myself, not in an attempt to save my M, but for personal recovery. It is working - quite well in fact. I think WS's are manipulative by nature and BS's are vulnerable. Right now, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. You need to shield yourself from him until you have your strength back. This is at the core of Plan B - in addition to preserving any love you may still have for your spouse.

Tabby is so right about this - unfortunately for me my WW (ongoing A for last 15 months) and I still live in the same home with the kids until the D is final. My WW is very manipulative and I avoid her when I can and do not say anything to her. I even had to get a post office box to prevent my WW from hijacking my mail and hiding it. I truly feel like I am living with a stranger. I am actually relieved when she is away from the home. I do know her 'darkest day' has not even arrived yet. Once she is on her own, the reality of supporting herself will hit her like a ton of bricks.

I did join a divorce support group and I limit my 'opposite sex' contact to prevent myself from hurting as I am emotionally vulnerable right now.

I went into Plan B in June of last year. Unfortunately, there have been two instances of Plan B being "failure". One at our local Walmart, when I turned down the aisle that STBXH was in, and once at a softball tournament, in which my ball team had to play STBXH's ball team in the finals (my team won ;))

But, I have not seen STBXH since last September, and I could not be happier. When I went into plan B, it was because I was just fed up and tired of the lies, backstabbing, and hurt, and it was right then and there that I was done. I found that since then, life has been great. I no longer have to deal with his bull****, and at the same time, came to appreciate what I did have in life. Some people take more time then others to heal. I asked God to help me heal from the hurt, to be strong, and to be patient. He answered!

Way to go Ms_Manners Team!!! Ha HA!!! My WstbxH and I play ball in the same league so I "see" him every Sunday. It's not a big deal anymore. We don't speak to one another and I am now hanging around with OW's former friends (not to be vindictive but it just worked out that way). They waited around after the last game a distance away from where we were tailgating before they gave up and went home. Presumably, they were waiting for me to leave so they could hang out with her friends. My team beat Wstbx's team when we played them though unfortunately I was away on a business trip that week.

Yes.. I've read about Plan B. I never really thought about implementing it now. Hmm.. Ok.. stbx keeps calling me about kids, logistics, etc.. This week I have begun responding via text and e-mail instead of calling back. Is this part of how plan B works? I've been doing it mostly because I'm in this bit of an angry phase right now and don't want to say something I will regret. It does feel strange.. stbx looooves to call and seemingly check up on me.. to see if I'm home waiting for him I guess..

A true Plan B is no contact WHATSOEVER for any reason at all. In the real world, this is hard to do, but some here manage it by using mediators to transfer kids and pass critical information (eg. Billy is on antibiotics so make sure he takes them). It serves several functions.

From WS's point of view, it prevents the WS from having any ENs met by the BS - in other words, cake eating. The WS is forced to have all their ENs met by their AP, which rarely happens since they are still seeking out the BS to fulfull these in the first place. This helps them realize the AP is not their wonderful soul mate after all.

From the BS's point of view, it prevents the WS from futher hurting the BS with typical WS fog speak and actions. It can allow the BS to maintain whatever love they still have for the WS so that when the A ends, they are still willing to work on the M. It also allows the BS to begin healing the wounds. It is this function that is critical because every single contact with your WS right now is just picking the scabs and slowing the healing.

Since it is really difficult to go completely dark and you are no longer doing this to break up the affair while maintaining any remaining love you have, you can set the level of darkness to whatever is nessessary to allow your own healing. I would recommend limiting communication to matters regarding the children ONLY. If he asks where you are, tell him it's not his business. If he asks HOW you are, reply the same way or just say "fine". Don't tell him anything about your life. Don't pass along humourous emails. Don't respond to any text message that isn't about the kids. And if he asks what's wrong because of this change in your behavior, tell him straight up that contact with him is poisonous to your healing process and you don't want to have to do any more than is absolutely necessary. If he wants to help, tell him no.

I started out slowly like you - stopped calling him but accepted his calls. I think a true Plan B (for marital recovery) has to come on more sudden but for personal recovery only you don't have to worry about things from his point of view so you can ease into it. But you won't truly begin to heal until you are there.

I have been doing much better with this in the past month and it has definately helped. He no longer inquires about where I've been.. etc. I prefer to communicate via e-mail but he insists on calling and discussing D details (annoying). We are close to finalizing everything and the M will be officially over.. *sigh*.. I guess it's time.. still so sad about it. In a way I feel like ow "won" her game of pursuit and it's time for me to finally give up and let them live their wonderful life together.

STBX has given up the fight on some important D settlement stuff lately. I find it really odd except that I've refused to give in and I'm wondering if ow is pushing for him to finalize the D as quickly as possible. I just don't trust that in the end he will give up what today he has agreed to. Anyone else have their x give in when they put pressure on?

The ex gave up everything. Gave me a list of items that HE wanted, and I ignored him just long enough to have him change his mind. He wanted nothing anymore... have yet to figure out why, because all he does is complain about it. :RollieEyes:

I am in a Christian-based divorce support group -- www.divorcecare.org -- to find one near you.

They say to develop same-sex friendships and limit temptation with the opposite sex. They say it takes on average 1 year of recovery and healing for every 5 years of marriage. Most people don't like to hear it -- I didn't.

That's why second marriage statistically fail more often than first marriages -- people rush into the next relationship and never analyze what their part was in the break up of the first marriage.

I understand why it is hard to give up . . .you expected to be married forever and grow old and gray together. It is difficult to give up those dreams.

Hang in there. . .we're all going through it.

I gave in on a few small things but for the most part negotiated the things he was pressuring about for something else. His OW was definitely pressuring him to get out as well.