I'd like to hear thoughts on a potential living arrangement following divorce.

The idea is that the existing family home becomes the "children's home" and that the parents switch in and out of that home when it's "their turn." Potential short-term arrangement could be home + one small "non-custodial" apartment. For instance, wife has kids in home while husband stays in apartment. Then husband meets wife and kids at house while wife then goes to the same apartment. And then they switch back the next time around. Longer term, separate apartments would be in order. I hope this makes sense.

I can see pros and cons. Your thoughts?

Todd

I believe this is known as "nesting". I think there is something on this in the "Mom's House/dad's house" book.

While it sounds nice, I can see some major issues with this arrangement. First, who does the cleaning, cooking, laundry and administrative tasks, etc. Likely it would continue to fall on the person who likely does it now - the wife. Then you have the same issues with the second "home".

During a separation phase, this would likely be a good idea.

Now, consider a divorce, and add in the potential for "other individuals", ie dates sleeping in either the family home or the apt. and then things get complicated.

My thought would be, if you can manage this arrangement in a happy manner - why wouldn't you be able to recover the marriage?

How would you feel when it is your turn to be home with the kids, while your wife is at the aprtment, in the very same bed you'll have to use next week.

Oh by the way the same bed that you'll be sleeping next week in the apartment your wife will be banging her boyfriend.
How does that makae you feel?

As Newly pointed out, this is a good arrangement for the separation phase. For me right now, I stay at my mother's house accept when it's my time with the kids. Then I stay at the house while she goes to her mother's house. It works fine for a while but I can't do this for ever....and if you can, why get a divorce (as already mentioned)?

I would add another question to the arguement...who decides how to maintain decorate the house? when is it time to get a new couch or get the water heater cleaned, and who pays for it?

My other thought is that this would slow down the healing process of divorce. Neither of you is establishing your own home with this concept.

Also, it may actually confuse the kids some if you two have different rules. It's easier to associate rules with a location and a person than just a person.

I know you're sad, and probably scared. Just know that there are a lot of successful post-divorce people. The pain goes away with time.

And don't forget, separation and divorce are rarely friendly processes. Your STBX, especially if a WS, is going to be a completely different person from the one you've known all these years. My Wstbx took to stealing from the house and yard. There is no way we could take turns in the same house. Not to mention and especially during the separation process, you carry a lot of legal "secrets" or strategies as it were. My Wstbx would have snooped through my stuff in a heartbeat.

I have a friend who actually lives in his XW's basement. He has a full apartment down there with a separate entrance. The kids are free to go upstairs with mom or downstairs with him. It is in the house they formerly shared as a married couple. However, it took about 18 months of separation before they could come to this agreement and it was initially made for financial reasons (both parties). But it worked well with the kids. Mom now has her BF living with her upstairs and dad has his own GF (not living there but the kids know her). Personally, I think this situation is harder on the BF/GF's - would you want to date somebody who was still living with their X, regardless of separate "apartments"?