My wife of 31 years had a 5 week affair. We are working through all the issues thanks to finding this website. I have every reason to believe we will save this marrige attesting to the love we have for each other. That being said overcoming some of the issues are harder than others. As she realizes more and more that the relationship was shallow and not that "cosmic meeting of soul mates that was destiny" she should find it easier to let go. D day was only 4 days ago and already we have made great strides, thanks also to being on vacation alone this week. Here is my question. The affair ended because the OM left the country, for good. This was planned before they met. So even though it is over, it was not my wife's choice that that happened, and certainly not when it did. Durring their last meetng she was given at least two items I refer to as souvenirs (the actual items are not the issue). I'm not sure if my wife is aware that I am aware of them. I would hope she would bring them up, but that is still to be determined. On one hand I want to wait to see what she does with them, keep or destroy. If she kept them it would certainly be dishonest on her part and only hurt the reconcilliation. On the other hand I could broach the subject myself. If I did bring it up, I feel certain she would destroy them and if asked why it took me to bring it up, she would pawn it off that she just hasn't go around to it yet. Do I have a right to ask her to rid us both of the souvenirs?

Absolutely.

It is not wrong of you to wait a short time to see what she does, but don't wait very long, as they will begin to bother you very much.

If she isn't willing to get rid of them, I personally would recommend asking her to leave until she is. It's not a small thing - it's indicating that she is not yet committed to your marriage, and there is no reason she needs to stay there until she is.

Even if she does leave for a while, your chances of R are hugely better with OM out of the country.

My FWW had a number of CD's, dvd's Photo cd's with pics of POSOM, etc.

I asked her to get rid of them. She said she would and they laid around for quite some time until I mentioned it to her again, to which she replied "I thought you were going to throw them out...

Needless to say I was a little upset. She eventually did get rid of them, but her inaction in immediately doing something simple that would have meant a lot, really created resentment towards her.

As a matter of fact, the songs are STILL on our computer as she burned them there. So in a sense she STILL hasn't completed that task.

I guess I could do it myself, but to me it shows either a lack of understanding or concern about my feelings still. It gets tiring re-asking her to do things she has said she's going to do...

You might try mentioning to her that if she has any reminders of her time with him that you would appreciate it if she would share with you what they are, and let you watch her throw them out.

If you're not specific, maybe she will bring it up herself. Bear in mind though that she will probably have to go through some (hopefully short) withdrawal from that POS philanderer first.

It may take some time, burt how or if she honors your wishes will be a huge clue as to how comitted she is to your marriage.

Hang in there man.

My wife kept a vase hidden that OM sent her flowers in. She knew I knew about it, but chose to keep it anyway for a while. Eventually, she moved it to another hiding spot, but I found it there too. One day I brought it up, and she said she had forgotten about it. Kinda hard to believe, but anyway, she got rid of it soon thereafter. I wouldnt wait around too long to ask her to junk it, it doesnt do any good for her to keep it, and the last thing you need is extra stuff bothering you. Just be nice if you ask her to junk them.

Thanks Try To Hard. I can already see that this forum is a godsend. In the past few days of riding the rollercoaster (and trying not to fall off) one item sort of stood out as "missing". That was "comunication". Quite frankly I believe it is the root all all evil. A few months ago I came across a wonderful quote I'd like to share. "The problem with communication is the allusion that it has been accomplished".

I had kept souvenirs (photos of the OM and I as teenagers). They were taken 35 years ago and my H had always been aware of them. About 3 weeks after d-day we had a ritual burning of all the pictures. It was important for him and it was important for me. It was cathartic and it was part of my efforts to recover my M and show my H I meant business. My A was 18 months long.

Usually, the WS is VERY unwilling to give up the souvenirs. To me, the willingness to purge them is a very, very important step forward in reconciliation.

We did the same thing, but it included letters, cards, pics, etc. and it was after he had returned home for awhile.

My W's b-day was 3 days after D-Day. About a week before her b-day I gave her a camera, because she was depressed that she didn't have any of her own hobbies and was interested in photography. After D-Day and she moved back home, I asked her if OM gave her a b-day gift...she said "no". I've asked her a few times since the first time...most recently the other day. She finally admitted that OM bought her a photography book...I just about threw up. She says that she threw the book out, but I don't believe her. So, I buy her a $1000 gift, and get cheated on...OM buys her a book to compliment the gift I got her...he gets laid...awesome.

Anyway, I would tell your WW that you want that [censored] out of your life...forever. Hell, I'm going to sell our truck just because OM was in the thing.

This is obviously eat at you. I say bring it up and ask her what she wants to do. Keep in mind that during this time actions speak louder than words.

I burst into tears the first time H and I started loading our RV to go camping since I knew OW had gone camping with him in our RV. H began shopping for a new RV and he insisted we trade in our old one (only a year old) and buy a new one so that I would be comfortable. I was the one who hesitated because of the cost. But my H's took action and did the research and found the best price and then took me to see. My point is that my H made it happen!

What is your W doing to show remorse and commitment to your M? That is what you need to pay attention to right now.

Get rid of all that stuff ASAP!

My FWW met OM during work days, so she was always in business attire. Of course, she couldn't remember which outfits she had worn in OM's presence, so we trashed all of them. Lots of money in the dumpster.

I also got rid of the couch I caught them using. Our only couch at the time.

By "got rid of", I really mean I violently crammed it through our front door, and tossed it out by our dumpster...without caring one bit that it was our only couch at the time.

I also got rid of the internet and our cellphones, as they were used to contact OM as well. Neither has been replaced.

The only remaining "souveneir" from the A is the file I've compiled on OM and his family. He'd be quite shocked if he knew what I knew, considering I started with a name and a cellphone number.

I can't bring myself to get rid of it yet.

I agree with Neak - give her some time to get rid of them of her own volition. It's a sign she's coming to herself again.

When my wife moved back home, she came with some flowers the OM had given her and she was pressing them in a phone book.

Well that lasted a week before she threw them out without me saying a word.

This is kinda eery lol. I made my W throw out all of her underwear. I asked which ones she wore when she was jumping into bed with OM, she said she "doesn't remember", they all went in the garbage and we went shopping that day. Made me feel better, and W got to go shopping...feel better about that now.

We also have a couch that is in storage right now. On D-Day I told WW she could take her [censored] and leave...she brought OM to the house and loaded up some stuff...the couch included. I will never touch that thing again, and never want to see it. We are moving and the couch is going straight from the storage unit to W's sister's place...thank God.

W's cell phone is a trigger for me every time I see the thing...I think I'll get her a new one, buy the old one out (it's on contract), and I'm going to run it over with the car, or throw it in the river...haven't decided yet.

for me to even considering trying...one of my boundaries was...she was to get rid of all clothes...since she didn't know which ones she was wearing while she serviced him...her car since she blew him in there too...her furniture (all of it)...cell phone and computer too..any and everything he touched went bye bye....including and eventually her (although that was for years of continued lying).

I say the sooner the stuff is gone the better. Do NOT wait for her to bring it up...that will only breed bitterness...this is a cancer, cut it out and be done with it.

Get a pair of walkie-talkies instead.

Best advice yet.

edit:

That reminds me. When WW brought POSOM into my house and took furniture, they also took 5 of 6 dining room chairs...they were nice enough to leave 1 for me though. Like she didn't do enough to hurt me by bringing him in the house, she also had to pour salt in the wound by leaving 1 chair...before she went to his place to ride him again. Guess I'm throwing out some chairs when I get home tonight. Shame though...she really like those chairs.

"Get a pair of walkie-talkies instead."

The only reason she still has the phone is so she can send me pics of where she is, and text me. If it weren't for those 2 things the walkie talkie's would suffice.

Let me guess, you are not a TEXAN? :eek:

ahhhhhhh...the old "souvenirs" debate....of course should it be....


Lets see about 6 weeks ago, I found a Vday card WS had given BOW but she left behind. I was upset, we fought, I was mad that it still wasn't gone. Posted about it on here.

Mimi gave me the best advice and told me to get rid of it myself.....which I promtly did.... . It felt great to do that...sorta like putting her where she belongs, in the TRASH.

I am sure we will have other things to get rid of, but I haven't found anything yet.

The furniture?? Well, he moved out and bought new stuff. The kitchen table we will keep, since it was on back order and never made it to his place.

The couch is staying because dang it, I like the couch too....besides I took "possession" of that couch last and before I knew what took place in the A.

The bed???? the God-forsaken POS matteress is NEVER coming into this house, no matter how much it cost, how much better it is than ours, no matter what it means to him.....

Oh, and that goes for this framed picture that was in the bedroom too......it has I Corithians "love is..." verse in it. They quote it often to each other....

In all seriousness, its the sentimental stuff that matters most to me....cards, notes, letters,.....

oh and just get rid of it yourself. Don't ask her to, don't ask for permission, JUST DO IT.....

NOT2FUN

MY wife got a gold chain and gold heart from OM.
She wore them for at least a year after we got back together.

She finally said she would get rid of them. After a few years they appeared again.
Which resulted in a new pledge to get rid off the heart and chain. They then disappeared.
It also cause me to wonder if there was more to the story then she had told me.

I would start to question her and then she would reveal a little bit more and say that there was nothing more to tell.

Well my wife never got rig of them. So every few years they would reappear. Then the whole process would repeat itself. Another pledge, and with a little more had gone on with the OM. They would disappear again.

This happened for 23 years. Until I had found them by accident. I told my wife why does she still have them. She claimed she forgot about them. She then through them out in the garbage. I took them out, taped them to 2 small rocks. We then drove to beach on the Atlantic Ocean, where I threw them in.

I would give your wife until Friday to ask her if she has any gifts from the OM. Then I would say what about the gifts that you know of. Then tell wife that you need her to give them to you to get rid of them.

Tell wife that you won't be able to heal knowing that they are still apart of your lives.

Frankly, I can't even fathom why anyone would even think about it for more than 2 seconds. Fire up the BBQ grill, gather the stuff up and be done with it. If its gold, flush it down the toilet, exactly where it belongs. By the time most folks wring their hands over it, all is forgotten.

Hanging onto the stuff does much greater harm to the marriage than burning the trash. It keeps the WW and BS triggered. This is a boundary issue, and I would not allow the crap in my home. It would be burned so fast, your head would spin. End of story!