onekewlmommy
First of all, leave us start by understanding that there are different types of affairs. Harley says it best when he takes the overview that affairs are the result of failing to protect one's weaknesses. That is as good a definition as any because it overlays the range of infidelity. Harley projects the future. Irrespective of the cause, he has a road map to recovery and fidelity. You don't need to know exactly why to find a future. Only problem with that is us Engineer minds that really want to know. In other words, we need a foundation upon which we can then build the future Harley projects and for us, that foundation is an understanding of why. With broad strokes, Harley does get into why in layman language but again, for us Engineer minds, he doesn't dig deep enough.
I have used the word "Engineer," but really mean fact based people, who are not content to put it behind them and move on to the future without an explanation of "Why" in terms that go beyond "Protecting weaknesses." For some of us, "Why" represents security and without security, there can be no relationship. The wayward wants to know why they did it and the betrayed needs to know.
Scientists are uncovering the secrets of the brain. We have an increasing understanding of the complexity, probably one of the most complex components in the universe, of the human mind. We know the speed of thought, we have defined how neurons work and we understand how various chemicals affect the way we think and are motivated. We know that genetics AND environment both have a roll in our thought processes.
Am I boring you enough yet? Trust me, I am going somewhere with this. And where I am going starts with the simple fact, "We don't know our own minds." Why do we thrill seek? Why do we seek safety? Why do we rob banks? Why do some people have affairs while others don't even in the face of opportunity? As we age, we go through different mind sets. And of course we have cognitive dissonance and rationalization clouding everything we say, think or do. Cognitive dissonance is defined by Wikipedia as:
In psychology, cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling or stress caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a fundamental cognitive drive to reduce this dissonance by modifying an existing belief, or rejecting one of the contradictory ideas.
Often one of the ideas is a fundamental element of ego, like "I am a good person" or "I made the right decision". This can result in rationalization when a person is presented with evidence of a bad choice, or in other cases. Prevention of cognitive dissonance may also contribute to confirmation bias or denial of discomforting evidence. If not corrected, this can lead to further bad choices for the sake of consistency, rather than learning from mistakes.
I have read just about every web source on adultery. I have read books, interviewed people, participated in several forums on the subject and have come to a conclusion; there are lots of explaining and complaining and nobody has all the answers. In point of fact, some of those out there trying to explain just confuse the issue and the reader bogs down in the jargon of psychotherapy. So what's a body to do? Well, I have some answers that satisfy me while not at all pretending to be authoritative or of substance to satisfy others. And I start with Harley's explanation that an affair is a failure to protect one's weaknesses. I also draw a line between male adultery and that which is committed by females. Many pundits choose to let that one slide on the alter of politically correct double think, I don't. And for the purposes of this essay, I am leaning heavily towards the female side of things. As you read, think female cause and effect.
Now leave us look at brain chemicals;
"Two teams of scientists reported in separate studies that people with an unslakeable thirst for new sensations, who are impulsive, hot-blooded, fickle, excitable and extravagant, tend to have a distinctive variant of a gene that allows the brain to respond to dopamine, an essential chemical communication signal." Aha, says I, an affair is a thrill. So some people are prone to that avenue. And I would bet there is a variable there that says there is a bell curved range of susceptibility.
Then I discovered phenylethylalamine. "The most well-known love-related chemical is phenylethylalamine -- or "PEA" -- a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. PEA is a natural amphetamine, like the drug, and can cause similar stimulation. This natural upper contributes to that kick-up-your-heels, on-top-of-the-world feeling that attraction can bring, and gives you the energy to stay up all night talking to a new love." Don't confuse this with phenylethelamine, which is found in chocolate. PEA results in infatuation. Infatuation is where we project who we think the other person is as opposed to who they really are.
Again, the aha moment, a meth-like drug takes over and causes an addiction. Harley's observations are on the money one more time. The man really knows his stuff, even if he doesn't get off on explaining brain chemicals. So now we have two influences, thrills and infatuation. OK, now for examples;
Example one, thrills: The Teacher who cheated on her husband once. She was thirty, all her teacher buddies had an affair or two and the senior student she boffed was 18, of age and she was thirty.
Example two, romance: My wife. Just about every known precursor existed including my own blindness to the possibility of an affair with this one guy who I trusted.
Example three combination of thrill and romance: Read scores of affairs on this forum and dozens of web sites.
Example four, better romance explanation: I can't find it. I have posted it as have others, but it boils down to the X steps to infidelity, as published by a Christian organization. It goes something like this:
1. Readiness- It starts when a spouse’s needs are not being met in the home. Harley jumps all over this one.
2. Alertness- A growing awareness of a person within your social circle. Women know within seconds of meeting someone if they would bed him or not. You may start to fantasize.
3. Innocent Meeting - Purely innocent chance meetings can occur between you and the person you are fantasizing about. During the meetings there is flirtation, prolonged eye contact, enticing body language, brief touches. Yet during this step, most people still deny any interest in the other. In fact, you may discuss that you DO have an attraction and must not go there.
4. Intentional Meeting - Meetings which occur frequently and are made to look coincidental, but in reality are very intentional. Keep on sliding.
5. Private Lingering- You find yourselves together alone, as best you can arrange it.
6. Purposeful Isolating- You begin to plan time alone for purely reasonable purposes. He may ask you to go for dinner to talk about his problems at home. Shared confidences.
7. Pleasurable Isolation- Now you are planning time alone just for the sheer enjoyment you receive from being together. Hey, ride that PEA high you are getting.
8. Affectionate Embracing- Secret longing for each other will become intense. There is increased touching and playful caressing. It may show in games like tickling or wrestling or anything to increase touch. There will be a decrease in your affectionate contact with your spouse.
9. Passionate Embracing- Affectionate touching and embracing leads to passionate interchanges. It may be a kiss or a touch.
10. Capitulation- You give in to sexual intercourse.
Now you have to accept that you have done the deed and cognitive dissonance takes over. Here you admit to yourself that you are truly having an affair. Here, the emotional investment in the affair is at its highest, and the emotional investment in the marriage is at its lowest.
I should stop to point out that affairs (adultery) is a bad thing and if you don't believe that, you are wasting your time reading this. By bad, I mean the cultural and personal effects that infidelity has on kids, all parties to include the wayward, the betrayed and their spouses, collateral damage to extended families, work places, and the general community. Almost nobody wins in an affair except the lawyers.
So now we have a complex mix of motivations for affairs that range from thrill seeking to romance to all sorts of combinations of both; with brain chemicals that are in part genetically programmed, cultural influences, and opportunity all rolled into a combination that will have varied effects on each person. Mix this in with predator factors and exit affairs, then it is easy to see why Harley avoids the complexity and just assigns the generic label of "Failing to protect weaknesses."
But wait, there are several more influences the first of which is that for most women, infatuation is treated as real love. Oh boy, what a life joke that one is. In point of fact, one web site maintained by Michelle Langley is solely devoted to selling her book that never mentions PEA but instead goes into the effect of a lack of PEA as an influence on women some period of time after marriage. Ever read a Harlequin Romance novel. That genre and sub-genre's are all full of PEA influences with seldom a mention of a serious fact:
phenylethylalamine eventually dissipates! Yep, the old romance chemical that drives us crazy eventually goes away and we are left feeling flat and a bit stupid.
There "IS" such a thing as real love. This is what Harley is all about. His teachings point out how to program our minds to reject the effects of PEA infatuation and instead, concentrate on those mind states generated by oxytocin. Go take a look at Wikipedia's somewhat lame explanation of this chemical and even at that, you can see how oxytocin allows a woman to bond with a male. And without question, oxytocin bonding is for a very long time if you keep feeding it, while with PEA, its gonna go away sooner or later. The difference is that PEA is released by what you PROJECT on the other person, while oxytocin is released by what that person means to you and most often is based on who you know that person to be, warts and all.
For romance based affairs, PEA breeds euphoria followed by reality, then down to zip. This is also true of marriages, leaving some women with the notion that they have fallen out of love with their husbands as his warts start to become important. They are then vulnerable to adultery or divorce, or just plain nagging since they are NOT happy anymore. They want their meth-like fix again. Stir this up with a general lack of education on marriage, vows, cultural discarding of values and you get the weaknesses Harley talks about.
And education is the other side of vulnerability. Harlequin romances are all about the chase, not about the living with a guy who sometimes breaks wind in bed, takes out the garbage only when you nag him and seems to have all sorts of demands on his life (like making a living) that takes away from paying attention to your needs. He may not even be aware of the fact you have needs. Nobody educated him; God and MOM made him and it is unlikely you can change who he is. His essential maleness becomes less of a factor and the absence of PEA projected feelings overrides common sense.
And down the slippery slope of adultery you go.
PEA drives us to seek romance. If you allow Oxytocin to take over, you will have a long, happy adultery free marriage. If not, then the consequences as detailed on this web site and through personal experience creates the emotional and yes, physical havoc both deserved and undeserved.
Please note that I went from thrill seeking to romance as a motivation. I really am a one trick pony in that I dunno about thrill motivated affairs except to hate them. I do understand romance based affairs except in one detail and that is: why do women pick from the low hanging branches? I mean over and over, the same story is told, women have affairs (romance based) with guys they would never pick if they weren't married. My own wife went that route. It was sad. About the only factoid I can come up with is that PEA really does drive some nuts and there is no allowance for rational thought whilst one is in the midst of dealing with the meth-like symptoms.
Without question, Harley's principles for a good marriage is the right path. Sometimes his teachings on this subject are overwhelmed by what he also teaches about infidelity, at least on this forum. And one key benefit to Harley's stuff is that even guys can understand it, if they try.
So how do you fight PEA? Once again, Harley rides to the rescue with his teachings on how to have a great marriage. Simply put, don't go there. Have a system of ethics, morals and values that causes you to avoid temptation. That and an understanding of why we are tempted and the consequences if we give in, should be enough to keep most folk's pants on.
In other words, be a grownup.
Larry
PS: I generated this post from my knowledge base, which includes a lot of background that you may or may not have for the purpose of understanding what I said. I left out a bunch of stuff I could have included in the interest of time. And once again, I will state that this essay represents my opinions, your mileage may vary and that's ok with me.
