jayne, he died a few years ago from Leukemia. But I never had a good relationship. One, because he married SuperB*tch when I was 16, and two, because I was with H, who fought constantly with SuperB*tch. Lots of not-worked-out issues...

To explain that grass-cutting thing a little better, my mom worked 80 hours a week for a doctor, basically to keep busy so she wouldn't get depressed. My brother worked 80 hours a week to save up for college and left when I was 15, since dad said he couldn't help with college, so I was pretty much alone, running the house on my own, from the age of 12 to 18. So I reasoned out that anything to do with the house was my responsibility. Which is probably why I get so freaked out today about my house falling apart cos H doesn't help.

Oops, sorry for the TJ!

Might be awkward, but--at least look what you have taken from that. You value your home and its appearance very much. Just saying, even if it was bad you did get something from it.

Shame on your old neighbors who complained and then watched from behind their curtains while you cut the grass. How poorly that reflects on them.

Yes! Something was bothering me about that, and I couldn't put my finger on it... that's it, that someone didn't do the neighborly thing and offer help. Might take some creativity to not appear condescending, but I know it can be done, by caring neighbors.

Sorry, rain, let me just finish out this TJ:
Aw, thanks guys, for commenting. That makes me feel better. You saying that about the neighbors reminds me of how my H always mows our neighbors' yards when they're on vacation, so they won't have to do it when they get back. In our old neighborhood we all did that for each other. At least he did, until our next door neighbor blew a gasket about being humiliated and started a 4-year feud! That was 4 years ago, and that man just talked to my H last month for the first time since then! I realize H should have asked first, but his heart was in the right place.

Anyway, back to rain! Where are you?

I havent had time to catch up, but I saw this and it made me sad


I hate to break it to you Rain, but that is nothing more then a fantasy. The OM may make you feel that way right now, but the reality is that it doesnt matter who you are with. YOU need to fix YOU first.

I know it seems like if you were with him and he made you feel good that everything else would just work out. That just simply is not true at all.

If I were you, My happiness would be doing everything in my power to fix the awful mess I've caused, but thats just me!!!!

Rain,
I have been married 39 years, am 66. Am new and have yet to discuss my own situation. However, in my time I can say that I have not sensed two more selfish, destructive, and evil-embracing people than You AND your OM.

Advice for what is worth: Do yourself And your family a favor and get back to your Faith and rediscover Your worth, Your Hope, and Your morals. This isn 't the only answer, but a good start!

This is slow for my pc,,,if you would like another ear to listen, email is: sundance@yahoo.com

Just remember, No single soul is immune form His Love and Mercy.

Regards....simplyTom

FWIW, Rain and the OM are no different to any other WS and OM. No different at all. It's just that you don't see the "other side" on here very often and it's not often you see the thought processes, but believe me every FWS on MB has been through these thought processes.

I, for one, was receptive to everything I read because I was determined to save my marriage. But, I was no different from Rain in her confusion and fear. Yes, I was selfish, destructive, evil embracing but I was given the wonderful opportunity to listen to people here, as is Rain and I took it all to heart.

Tom - An interesting choice for your first post on MB. It would be a good idea for you to begin your own thread and discuss your own situation before venturing into the "opinion and advice" business to others, especially in the area of dealing with infidelity and recovery efforts from it.

For what it's worth, Tom, I've been on MB for over 6 years now, and I've seen "much worse" than Rain many times. In fact, Rain is "fairly typical" of a WS who is still in the "fog" of "Waywardness."




Good advice for anyone, but ineffective for someone in the fog of infidelity. More "preachy" than helpful or "teachy" on how to get out of the fog and moving in better direction.




Highly discouraged: private "chats" between members of the opposite sex, especially with a newcomer who offers up their email and invites a "chat" in their very first post on MB.

You would be well served to EDIT your post and remove the sentence, or at least remove the email address.

"too slow for my pc???" You would prefer a private online IM chat? Very dangerous. Besides, what "counseling experience or credentials" would you "bring to the table?" Knowing NOTHING about you at this point, I would HIGHLY recommend that Rain, or anyone else for that matter, NEVER take a chance on a private chat with you.




You don't think so? Then Scripture must have it wrong I guess? I wonder, for example, what Judas Iscariot might think about your statement? Or how about the "second" thief on the Cross, to name just second example?

You may want to reconsider your advice and approach it from the perspective of WHY should Rain, or anyone, put "God" ahead of "self," as a starting point, if you want to follow this thought line of "being obedient to the Lord."

Regards....ForeverHers

I will admit...this NC thing is very hard. I find myself being sad, depressed and I don't want to be. I am trying hard to fake it but it is just that. Very hard....any tips?

rain,


That's called withdrawal. It's quite normal. Much like when an addict is craving their fix. It will lessen after a while.

What did you and dude do together when you were dating? I don't remember if you said what dude's top EN's were. Would you mind telling us what they are? And yours too if that's ok with you?

Do you all have any plans for tomorrow?

I'm spending time with my In-Laws and their family and sedating the dog, cause he don't like fireworks.

Blessings.

S&C

Tom, please consider carefully what FH said. There are a lot of pitfalls and it takes time to understand and appreciate some concepts... I hear your intentions are good. Thanks for your concern. But offering your email to a person of the opposite sex (I guess POS is already taken!) is very dangerous territory on a forum full of hurting spouses.

Please consider removing it. I trust FH will remove it from his quote. Please rain, I can't tell you what to do, but please consider that most folks here would say you would be wise to not engage in private emails with a male poster at this time.

I hope it lessens soon because it is really hard to hide my feelings. I am trying but all I want to do is cry. I told my H that I want to work things out and give our marriage another try. I should feel better right? I guess I have to give it some time. I never knew the hold the OM had on me until now. I asked H if we could fill out the EN's survey and he wants to wait until tomorrow so, I guess we will go through that and read up on what to do next. We have no plans for tomorrow however we are suppose to go to a huge event on Saturday. I am not excited about it at all and I really don't think H is either. I know I am doing the right thing...just did not realize it would be this hard.

Rain, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt just like you do. I didn't think I would ever feel anything for my H again. But, you know what, I did and it was SO worth it to get that happiness back.

I know what you want right now. You want a magic switch which will lessen the withdrawal and make you feel completely in love with your H.

Rain, it takes work. It takes work, but it is really worth it. Someone suggested thinking about things you did when you and Dude were dating. That's a very good thing to do. I used to look at family photos and remember the genuine good times we had.

It IS the right thing to do. (((((((((Rain)))))))))

Edited to add: Rain, what are you running from? The gambling, the A's. You are running from something. What is it?

Wow! rain, I am SO proud of you! What amazing progress! I can't take away your pain, but I CAN tell you that, a year from now, if you take all the information here to heart, you will be SO VERY happy and amazed at the new life you have. Please don't forget about getting counseling, both single and as a couple. It is imperative that you take advantage of what the professionals can do to help you two develop a loving, happy, strong marriage that will carry you forward for the next 40-50 years.

I am so proud of you!

Hi..
Just want to say I respect what you said, except for your comment about 'God above self'. No, more like God is in love with each of us, and We have 'affairs'with someone or somthing else.

Credentials - no, none, simply me perhaps overextending because of my idealistic way. Was a crisis intervention phone counselor for which I had training in the '80's.

Hurting, yes. My wife, who I do love, has had manic-depression for 35 years. Latest episode was that she accidentally caused a fire in our apt. in March 2007. For the last year she had to live in a group home , until in June of this year I was able to obtain a new lease for her to live at home here. Long and short is that I learned from one of the nurses and a few of the other patients there that she had been sleeping with one of the male patients in his room alot. This guy is like in his twenties and not employed. Met him when I picked up my wife to come home and believe me I felt like just having it out with him but didnt. So who am I but chopped liver,Yeah a poorly run place that allowed that, but feel like crap that I didn't even know.. Since she's been home it's like on eggshells afraid to really ask and affraid to know and affraid where we are,. Hopefuly if am up to it more later.

To Rain: I apologize for any offending comments. I will simply pray alot for you and your husband that together you both will make the right decision.

simplyTom

Tom, I can see you're hurting, but I see some things you can do to help yourself and your wife. First, find a professional counselor for yourself. You NEED someone to talk to!

Second, I have direct experience with someone with bipolar. It is devastating. She is unkowingly ruining her whole family's future because of a chemical issue. So I know how distressing your situation is. Just keep faith and make sure you keep progressing. A baby step is still a step.

Third, you need to start your own thread over on Infidelity so the experts can help you with a plan. There is hope!

Rain, as others have said, what you experience now is withdrawal from the OM and very normal. It is very hard, but with time and patience it will get better.

Earlier on this thread, I posted you a link on withdrawal. Have you read it yet? On that thread you will find suggestions (“tips”) on how to help you get through withdrawal. If you can’t find it, let me know and I will post it to you again.

Good for you Rain! Good for your family too. Now, do this KNOWING it isn't going to be easy for quite some time. There will be no instant gratification except for KNOWING you are doing the right thing...KNOWING that your personal integrity and character have just improved immensely.

Stay the course and in 6 months you will so glad you did.

I second that, rain. Every wayward feels this way. Just throw yourself in recovery and make the commitment to do it for 6-12 months. I guarantee you that you will be glad you did. Even if things don't work out for your M (which they almost definitely will, I'm just saying...), you will be a better person for having given it 100%.

I am very hopeful from your recent posts. SHEESH! And I thought *I* was stubborn!!!