Hi everyone...

Though my D has been done for quite some time now....the stress of the relationship with my BS continues...I have finally, and with great remorse, sadness, and regret, accepted no repair is possible. I continue to PLAN A, if only to try and facilitate as much function as I can...I continnue to try and build credibility...atone for the mistake....it never works, though, and the destructiveness comes my way daily. I earned it...I got it...just waiting for a day when it fades...I try to bury myself in work, and care for my beautiful children....trying to recover....and set it straight...

Today, I took my son to a doctor's appointment....the children said my BS had been to the "doctor alot too"...and had surgery today. News to me....and I am concerned...BS physically hasn't looked good lately...my children have even commented. I swung by my BS's home to pick up my daughter's purse (she forgot it) as we were going out for the evening...Whenever there, the children always want to show me things, their rooms, new toy...whatever. BS sitting in a chair...looking exhausted...I inquired...rec'd vague answer. Helped son in bathroom before leaving...noticed RX bottle on counter....an anti depressant....

I am concerned about what is happening for my BS....doesn't seem to be coping well. Went on with our evening....asked BS if could bring some supper...anything to help feel more comfortable??..."NO"...I was told...Hx of depression in BS lifetime, and family hx...along with alcoholism...

Know under stress...step-daughter continues to fade into substance abuse....continue to try to offer assistance, to know avail...

Any thoughts on how to approach? Worried...Continue to ask? Leave it be? Thought about contacting BS's brother...just to inform of concerns...am I out of line?

Well, seriously...what did you expect???? You tore her life to pieces.

If you are concerned...contact someone in her family and let them handle it.

I am assuming since you were the one who cheated that you did the honorable thing and gave your ex primary custody of the kids and that you are keeping up on the child support payments????

I just read your old posts...I frankly think you are a fraud. You came here giving half truths and still in your affair and NOW you are concerned.

Here's a suggestion as to how you can make it better. YOU CAN'T!

Will def consider forwarding concerns to family...

Thanks Straight...

I honor all aspects of our agreements with re: to our separation, and more....I have adopted a protective stance re: of where we currently stand...and will continue to do so....

How long did it take you to end your affair after you were here a year ago???? Did you ever end it....or did you use the divorce as an excuse to continue screwing around???

Sorry, but reading your old posts ticked me off.

I moved away from that a long time ago...NC in place...man...don't even know anymore...quite awhile ago....

Not here to piss you or anyone else off...my evolution started a long time ago, and continues...I am making it right man...and have for a long time. Will continue to sustain my performance, and continue to demo that I am better than that time...and will work to prove it...

And Straight..you are right...I may not be able to assist...but I am interested in facilitating support if I can...My BS is the parent to my children, and how my BS is doing affects how we all our doing. Consistent with my desire to protect in whatever way I can NOW....I want to do it....Thats all....

WOW.

That's some fine psychobabble.

Would you mind trying plain English because I have no idea what you just said.

LOL, no offense, blackntwrk, but what bigkahuna said is exactly what I thought from your very first post on this thread. I was kind of lost, which isn't THAT unusual, but still...

Thank you, Big K!!

I was trying to find an eloquent way to put it but I gave up!!

Charlotte

Admirable, I suppose, but can't imagine why a woman would be influenced in any way by the man that single handedly destroyed her M, her family and her life. As you say, you own it.

Pass your concerns on to his family. She may accept their advise.
And pray for her(and yourself and family). That's about all you can do now.

All Blessings,
Jerry

blackntwrk - Thoughts?

Yes, having gone back and read through all of your thread leading up to your divorce, the one thing that "struck me" in all of those posts, and now continued in this thread, is that you NEVER referred to her as your WIFE. It was always "spouse" or BS (Betrayed Spouse), never WIFE. Never "the mother of our children," just a "parent."

I think that said a lot, and said a lot about your wife's perspective too, regarding the marriage you had.

An ornament. A possession. Another person you lived with, but never "blended" with. Concern as you might have a concern for any possession or pet or useful person in meeting your "needs."

The "problems" in your previous marriage are unimportant at this time.

The problem with your ex-wife being depressed is nothing that you can "help with." The opportunity for that passed a long time ago, well before even your EA.

You can "mention" it to her brother just in case he and/or other family members are unaware of it, but leave it at that.

And I'll "mention" God to you, just in case you might want to check out the one person who can help you, your ex-wife, and the children the most.

have you done all that you can on your side...

have you sincerely apologized
have disclosed everything about the affair..
have you owned up for any time you lay affair blame at his feet

was there any try at reconcilliation on his part in which you held back or continued contact...

how did he find out about the affair
who was it...any connection to him

sometimes so very very sadly the enlightening rod to the exact impact our actions have/had on someone comes to late...

what are the things you can haven't done yet
ARK

Of course...performed all those actions...and I think you are right, the consequences have been devastating....tried to work the "ideal scenario" with Steve, but it was too much for my spouse (refer to spouse as BS only as that is how I have seen the acronyms use here...no intentional disprespect...)and I understand. I am at fault.

I am going to try and maintain the protective stance recommended by Harley...and my current concern is part of that....If my spouse is down, resiliency falls and that has huge implications for all of us....

I simply want to know if all ok.....

Emailed brother....just to see if he could check in....

Emailed spouse...just to check in and just be honest and direct about this issue....said "all fine..." Just doesn't seem like it...never seen it like this...mood really down, looks bad, house not kept well, even kids noticing....

Maybe you could move far away and stop popping into her life as a constant reminder of her misery?

You know....IAM....there is a point when feedback ceases to be constructive, and you hit the mark. I am trying to AVOID destructiveness, and your comments simply prove to perpetuate it...No need to reply to any of my posts.

The only thing I will justify here is my current behavior and trying to faciliate the most functional relationship I can now. I can't change anything that happened, only what I do to fix it now and forever moving forward. I stand by what has happened SINCE...I have appreciated the insight, feedback, and coaching I have received...and it is well-considered as I continue to engage with my family. I WILL continue to engage with my family and support them...and would like to continue to benefit from the insight that can be acquired here...

Discharge your anger somewhere else....

You dismissed Iam's comments to you...but if you are honest with yourself, isn't there much truth in what he says. Isn't it YOU that is a constant reminder of the misery that your wife has endured? I suggest that rather than ignore this advice, see how it can fit in with your life.
If I was divorced from you as a result of an affair, you damn well not be coming in my house and snooping around...and looking at someones medication bottle is really rude...you frankly have no right to do that.

FH,

"is that you NEVER referred to her as your WIFE. It was always "spouse" or BS (Betrayed Spouse), never WIFE. Never "the mother of our children," just a "parent.""

OK, I swear for the life of me, going back and reading the previous posts, then Arkie called the BS him and others are calling the BS her, I CAN NOT TELL IF BLACKNTWRK IS MALE OR FEMALE!!!

Was this a marriage of robots, or gays, or what. It's like BMW (not knowing whether to say he or her) makes it a point not to reveal a gender in this. Like it is a genderless problem.

And yes, per IAM and MEDC, Blackntwrk, maybe your BS (she or he) has seen way too much of you lately.

I know, after reading your back posts, I...am very...tired... of the.....................s!! I mean how anal can one be to communicate this way?

So please BNW, what gender do you belong to?

kirk

Those were my EXACT thoughs from the very first post. I've never seen such butchered syntax, just to avoid the words "he" or "she". Either there's some huge reason we are not to know the gender of this person, or it is a homosexual relationship rather than a heterosexual marraige.

BNW,

For the sake of all who have been reading your posts and wondering how to give advice and feeling REALLY bad for your children, will you please clear up the questions raised in the previous posts? Like, immediately.

Your "style" of writing is either clearly designed to avoid revealing yours and your "BS's" gender or it is unintentionally vague and you have not PURPOSELY tried to keep everyone here in the dark. If it is the latter, then you should have NO problem understanding our confusion and will remedy the situation for all of us here. Please.

I also have noticed that you do not call your "mistake" what it was. An AFFAIR. A mistake is something you do not do on purpose. A mistake happens when you are actually attempting to do the right thing and you make...a mistake. Unintentional, often unavoidable, never malicious. None of those adjectives apply to an affair.

WH2LE

Well, let's see. You might offer extra money to help her and your children. Try getting a second job and sending her your pay. Then you could take the kids in the evenings and weekends so that she gets a break.

Are you involved in their lives with school conferences, homework, little league, doctor and dentist visits, sports and activities, and church? That might give your ex a break to get her life together.

You could do some of the chores around the house, mow the lawn, do handyman stuff, wash the car, paint, take the car in for oil changes and mechanical work.

You could apologize to her family and friends for causing so much stress.

Give me a few minutes, and I'll think of some more.

Trying to do all you suggest...very involved with the kids..contribute as a co parent in everything from activities to school involvement...Apologized to everyone...etc...will continue to do so....

For the record, wasn't snooping...the bottle was simply there and was noticed. Notified the family, per your suggestion. I'll just make myself available if needed...help when I can...