I know this is a MB forum, but I have some questions regarding resolving conflict with my DD (20). I know there have to be MB on here that deal with "other" conflict outside of just their M as well.

Story:
DD is 20 years old with a 5 mo old son. They both live with us. She is "divorcing" the child's father and he lives in another state. He does send her money weekly for the baby and some of her misc. needs.

We are supporting her while she is going to school 4 nights a week by watching our grandson. She is paying for her own school through grants and student loans. I am paying a car payment for her and insurance, not to mention food and board. She will be done with school in January and plans to move out and take over the car payment and insurance. She has demonstrated previously that she is capable of living on her own and maintaining a job and I know that she will not be staying home any longer than she actually has to.

She has been diagnosed in her teen years with Bipolar, but the more I study up and speak to my own IC and doctors, she is closer to a Borderline. This makes it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to reason with her. You can't.

Problem:
Being that she has been out on her own once before already and she feels like she is an "adult" and can make her own decisions, she makes some choices that I don't approve of and in some cases I feel like cross the line. She smokes, not in our house, but in our front and back yard, sometimes not always picking up her butts. She is loud mouthed and curses, which I don't appreciate in front of my youngest teenager (14) who I'm still trying to keep on the straight and narrow. But the worst of all is that the last 2 nights I believe she has snuck her BF in to spend the night with her.

I told her this morning not to ruin a good thing and that she was teaching this BF that disrespecting us was acceptable since she snuck him in to spend the night. What's bad is I really like this guy so in standing firm with my boundaries, she makes it look like we are so mean to her and yet again will convince someone that we are the demons. Oh well, can't worry too much about that.

Question:
Any good ideas on how to set boundaries and enforce them with adult children (more specifically ones with BPD)? I'm looking for workable solutions before the ultimate "kicking her butt out" result.

Write out the rules of acceptable behavior, and hand them to her. Tell her this is her 'contract' for living in your house, now that she's an adult. Just like apartments have. If she's willing to abide by the rules, she'll have to sign the contract. If she doesn't want to sign it, she is welcome to move out.

And the next time you see her bf, I would pull him aside and lay down the law. Nicely.

Yeah, I think my DH is planning to do that with the BF today.

A written contract makes sense. I did do something similar to that with writing up my expectations (this was before she started having sleep overs), I think I'll make it a little more formal.

It's tough with the child, though, isn't it? My DD thought she was an adult BEFORE she moved out.

Maybe I am seeing this wrong, and I don't want to be pessimistic, but what happens when and if she violates the written contract? It seems to me that children are worse about crossing the boundaries than spouses.

I wonder if, in the same way that you have to be prepared to walk away when a spouse crosses a boundary, you also have to be prepared to throw your child out when they do?

It also makes me think that you should give some thoughts as to what those boundaries are. Children are notorious for pushing the envelope as far as it can go.

Please, keep us informed as to how it goes. I think I am not far behind you in this sitch.

Any updates?

Sorry to be so late in chiming in only, but I just saw your post (thanks to Mr. G's bump).

If your daughter truly has borderline personality disorder, I recommend posting your question to a forum that specializes in BPD. People with BPD do not relate to the world the same way you and I do which is why their behavior is so baffling. I recommend http://www.bpdfamily.com/

This last year I have been dealing with someone with BPD and the people on this board helped me immensely to understand the thinking and actions of someone w/ BPD and how best to respond. I have never been involved with someone who caused me so much stress. It was such a relief to find out that other people had gone through the same thing. Good luck!

Snuggle,
Thank you for the link. I found a group as well from the book "Walking on Egg Shells". It may be the same group of sites. I joined the group that deals with parents of BPD's. I was amazed to see that these are parents of ADULT BPD's. Wonder if it takes awhile to know that a child has it.



Update:

With my IC, I have been learning to set boundaries and enforce them. I have also learned to not react right away. He taught me some techniques and they have worked.

She has asked me to let him move in, to borrow money, to buy her a new phone, etc. And all it took was me saying, "I'm not prepared to answer that right now". Then asking some clarifying questions (on the move in deal) and then removing myself and thinking about how I FEEL about it, not her and then coming back and calmly stating my answer.

This new BF has had a calming effect on her and she has been eating more regularly so I think that her overall health is much better right now.

We live each day....one day at a time.

Thanks all for posting and asking!!

I am using the book about "walking on eggshells" please tell me where the group is. I really need it!

go to bpdcentral.com

That is the website of the writer of the book. You will find the information about the OzCommunity (I think that's it) and then once you are in there, you can "join" one of the communities based on what your issue is. You will need a yahoo login.

Yes, bpdcentral is where I got the link to the messageboard that helped me so much in dealing with a BPD person.

Only difference is that I used the messageboard instead of the email group. I liked using the messageboard because it's like this site where I can make a post and people reply to my post and it's all tracked on one thread. Like this board, they have different sections for general categories like parents of BPDs, children of BPDs, married to BPDs, divorcing BPDs, etc.

Congratulations on finding a strategy that works for you! Isn't a huge relief to find a community of people dealing with the same issue?! Entering the world of a BPD is truly landing in Oz ...

Facing the Facts at BPDFamily.com evolved from the co-author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the Welcome to OZ list server e-mail groups. As here the message board format with individual threads appears to be more appropriate to individual’s questions and special topics of discussion. BPDFamily is totally staffed and moderated by volunteers who have experienced a relationship with a borderline partner or who may have a child or parent so afflicted. The mission is to proved educational and emotional support to relationship partners, friends and family of individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Regulation Disorder or other emotional intensity disorders. All information found there is designed for support and enlightenment, not to replace the relationship between patient and their physician or other healthcare professional. They are also accredited by The Health on the Net Foundation. Their Code of Conduct (HONcode) for medical and health Web sites addresses one of Internet's main healthcare sites for reliability and credibility of information.

The web is filled with an abundance of excellent sites containing clinical information and professional references to Borderline Personality Disorder, the diagnosis and treatment. There is minimal information for the partners and family of these individuals available. The BPDFamily focus is for the non members of these individuals and to help them in improving their environment or to help overcome the difficulties in closing out that relationship. The vast majority of those with Borderline Personality Disorder have not been diagnosed nor in treatment. The awareness of this personality disorder is now coming to light to the general public and much research is ongoing in the professional community today.

If any of the following items describe the situation or feelings you have you many find help there.

Unfounded accusations, aggressive behavior, alienated, verbal and physical abuse, codependency, depression, lies and distortion of facts, consistently inconsistent, fearing the one you love, playing peace keeper in your family, feeling trapped and alone, avoiding endless arguments, controlled and manipulated, hiding your own feelings, can not talk to friends and family about your home life, your words are always twisted around?

If you have felt any of these feelings and nobody believes you when you explain what is going on in your life you are in a stressful high conflict relationship and it may involve BPD.

BPDFamily contains many articles by professionals in the field, Workshops that cover specific areas of concern and tools for coping with stressful situations. Their aim is to describe the disorder from the non's view and help your understanding and recover control back into your life. The disorder is not always easy to understand or recognize since there are many facets of it's major elements that are predominately demonstrated in different ways, all relationships appear to be a little different but contain many of the same themes. They also support forums for members who are dealing with difficult relationships with children and parents.

BPDFamily has recently produced a video that is a wonderful overview of the issues surrounding this personality disorder at Information for the Family. There is also many more articles about BPD that can be viewed at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

As with the Marriage Builder's support group they are open 24/7, anonymously confidential, no membership fee and no advertising. Members come together to learn more about the disorders, discuss ways to cope, explore technical topics and to just be with others who understand and receive encouragement.

If your relationship is stressful and hard to understand you should visit there for information and understanding. BPDFamily.com


You are not alone.

larider