This is my very first online post to any site. As my member name suggests, I am an intelligent idiot that found condoms in my H's pocket 1 1/2 weeks ago. Suffice it to say, this is a complete surprise as they are not, nor have they EVER been, a necessary part of our marriage.

I am almost 44 and have a ONE YEAR OLD SON and 20 year old daughter, 16 year old son, from previous marriage (in which my H left me for OW, they are still married).

I am shell-shocked, in complete disbelief, cannot believe this is happening again. Especially with a good, CATHOLIC man that professes such BS about loyalty, etc...his former wife left him for OM!!! This is his only child at 47 and he adores him, just not me, I guess.

I WAS smart enough to take power of attny to access one half of all assets and put in another account. Changed Pwr of Att. to adult daughter. Confronted WH who denied but then came clean as I do the laundry often so there was really no way to explain...except that he says he NEVER carried it out, only planned on it...with a woman that he was involved with years ago that lives near his mother (4 hours away), he visits there often.

I say all of this to say that the thought of telling others is just too hard to fathom. WHY IS THAT? I would SO welcome comments on how one des this

Maybe telling others really brings it to light and makes YOU have to face it so that's difficult. Perhaps it's just hard because you feel like you failed at your marriage and others will judge you.

I'm sure the vets here will have better answers than me since I'm still learning!

(Sorry you find yourself here. This board is truly a god-send though.)

You need a real serious Plan-A. Read up on it. Read HNHN and Love Busters too. Do the EN and LB questionaires for you and fill one out for your WH using needs he may have communicated to you in the past. Educate yourself. Then expose to OWH. He may be your biggest ali. Can you afford a session with the Harleys? If so, set that up right away. They will give you a plan and help you with exposure. Exposure is not meant to be vindictive. It is meant to expose this back alley smut to people who may be able to help in breaking the A up.

Don't expect your H to want anything to do with MB principles. He is deep in the fog and he does not care about your EN. MB is counter intuitive. You will be treating him in exactly the opposite way that he expects you to or even thinks he deserves.

Also love him but do not be too quick to forgive. You cannot forgive someone who is in the throes of infidelity and believe me, he may not want to hear you say that you love him even though he will be baffled that you are showing him extreme love and kindness. In fact ILY spoken may be a LB for him. It was for my WH.

Be the woman that he fell in love with. Pay special attention to how you look and what you wear and how the house looks. Suggest fun, romantic things to do. You don't have to POJA Plan-A. POJA will not come into play until he sees that he wants to save the M too.

You will be in my prayers.

God's Blessings,

Say

That makes sense Say. Thank you for the advice. I will actually re-read this later again and again to let it sink in.

I've done the questionnaires for both of us. I also had a conference with Steve in mid June - but that was before I found out about the affair. I guess it would be beneficial to have another conference with him in addition to my regular counseling sessions with my psychologist. Thanks again - I will take your words to heart (especially the ILY being a LB! never thought of that)

I cannot believe there are replies already, and ones that are helpful and informative. I stumbled on this site and I think that session with the Harleys is EXACTLY what is needed. I was reading the articles and then stumbled onto this.
Thank you all so much. Still new to the lingo and will order books today. The weekend seminar in MN is next month and WH says he wants to go.
Has anyone been to this or think it is useful in such a situation? WH says he wants things to get better and doesn't want to lose his family but I think it is more just getting caught and trying to say anything. THis weekend may be a good thing, would like some thoughts.

Hi Intel,

This is a great place for advice, support or just a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry that you have to be here but since the circumstances demand it, you couldn't have found a better place.

I would suggest that you post your question on the GQ forum. It gets alot more traffic. The MB seminar is waaay out of my price range but I probably would have borrowed the money if recovery had not advanced so well for us using the books and forums. I have heard is is terrific and it hooks you up with continued coaching after.

God's Blessings,

Say

Btw, in my initial post in this thread, I noticed that I put "March" instead of "May". I wanted to clear that up in case there ever was any confusion.

It was in MAY after we met OW that my woman's intuition really kicked in. Prior to that - from November on I didn't give it much thought. It bothered me and I told H that I didn't care for him taking this woman under his wings to show her the ropes of racing. But since I thought our marriage was fine, I sorta convinced myself he was only trying to be nice.

Hi Intel,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you have a need for MB but it's good that you found it.

The MB weekend is a great idea. I wouldn't just wait for it though, there are actions that you can be doing right now. You need to work out a great Plan A.

Would you want to start your own thread, and work out the details (such as whether to expose, and to whom and how)? Is your H reading here also? You can start your own thread by clicking on "New Topic" right above the "Subject / Poster" list.