This is my first day as a member and 2nd posting; the other post is under infidelity: recovery.
Not M but 5.5mnths with the man I love whole-heartedly and hope to spend the rest of my life with.
We fight. We fight weekly, sometimes daily and the argument always seems to be weighted down on me b/c of my past infidelity. The past is aroused so tiny disagreements turn quickly into battlefields.
This morning, he claimed "our love is different" since I didn't fetch him a Dr. P after class. I forgot my wallet (which is common, forgetful) and despite telling him I was on my way to grab him a juice (he's sick) & came home fast since I didn't have money. ..
He then brought up that he always gets me snacks and treats and anything that would make me feel better (at work or home), which is true but his emphasis on his own comradery seems to discredit everything I do for him.
His accusations catch me so offguard, that when a strike hits, I'm at a loss for words, or feel guilty.
My emotions are seemingly invalidated at that point and I'm trying the best I can to keep this afloat, but his sensitivity to such minor issues are not seizing.

What can we do? What can I do?

He claims " our love is different" in the sense that he loves me more/shows it more [by buying materials?..] and I'm starting to believe his love is altogether fleeting.

hi Swelter,
i am not an experpert so take what i say with a grain of salt.

Firstly, welcome to MB. just by coming here you are showing a desire to work on issues within your marriage.

Next, from your posting, i think it could be a simple case of your partner and you having different love languages. I recommend you get hold of a copy of The five Love Languages by gary XXX (cant remember his surname, try googling it.
It would appear your husband gives and recives love in gifts.
You language may be different and that is why you dont seem to "love the same"

I would suggest you buy both of you a copy of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It makes for a great way to identify each of your love languages and shows the SO what you need.

Wow, lildoggie and ezb, are y'all twins separated at birth?

You suggest the same book, and post it at the exact same time... and you joined MB just a day apart! Cool!

p.s. - I agree, get The 5 Love Languages book. It's great.

I also would like you to read a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's possible it doesn't fit him, but you describe someone who gets what he wants by manipulating you. Please read it and let me know what you think.

The original poster is not married, so she doesn't have a husband.

I would recommend reading Dr. Harley's book "The One," also called "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders," which helps explain why it is such a bad idea to live together before marriage.

Based on what has been written about her boyfriend, I think she is being emotionally abused. Even though she was unfaithful to him, it doesn't warrant the punishment he's giving her.

I agree. That's why I recommended the book I did. She may not be aware she's being manipulated. The book will help her recognize the traits of an abuser, if he has them.

First off, thank you EVERYONE for the recommendations on books and ideas of diff. types of love etc. Each post was much more supportive & constructive than those received form another post I put up.. Those claimed that I should give up on the relationship, and/or he should have given up on me long ago and .. What I'm trying to say is that, when two people desire a relationship to work out and are both willing to put in effort & time, that mutual desire & partnership should not be discredited for mistakes in the past. I have made mistakes and so has my partner. We both learn.
Unfortunately, we're stuck in a bind of progressing passed the past and rebuilding without the deconstructing thoughts/accusations created from the past.
Tell me this makes sense.
We both are great together, but definitely need to mature, forgive and figure out how to compliment one another's love type. I doubt that this is impossible. Counseling is expensive and I think through books and special techniques, we can pull through; if I can continue to receive constructive advice on that, it would not go unappreciated.
Perhaps it won't work out in the end, whenever that would be, but that intangible element is no excuse to abandon a ship we both feel is worth sailing and keeping afloat.
Thank you again for reading and taking the time to respond. No advice (thick or thin) will go passed over.

ohoh and ALSO, our communication skills have improved drastically since the 'big mistake' and we are able to give each other space when need be and calmly arouse our emotions and thoughts to one another.
-m

Well, one way of looking at it, is if both of you are willing to work on getting more mature and becoming better persons and partners, then even if you don't end up together, you've gotten a lot of good out of it.

IMHO you should stay and continue to grow and work on your "stuff". Keep posting, I'm sure ppl are willing to help. If you get one of those books, feel free to post your thoughts here.

Can you describe to yourself what is it that gets to you every time in what he does/say?

Simply you are more emotionally invested at this point of a relationship than you should be. You expend too much energy to keep this afloat when you are not married nor are you truly ready for a long term commitment.

Please explain your past infidelity. What have you done to make sure you never act this way again.

I would strongly recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.