I have just read this entire thread without posting anything until now.

Boogy. I'm not going to get into whether you were ethically wrong in using MB for what you used it for. But I will say this...

I would bet my house that your WW has been/or is currently screwing OM. The fact that you had a talk with her, and she is being totally transparent means jack #$%&. She is in a PA...wake up dude.

This makes NO sense to me.


you DID snoop.

How did your WW feel when she found out you were tricking her?

How did she feel when she found out that you knew 99% of what was going on, while you pretended not to, and made her stay up till 3:00 in the morning to play your twisted game?

I would be willing to bet that Mr. Transparency has not told her that part of it!

...neither has WW told Mr. Transparency how much infinite knowledge she has about OM's penis size. They are 2 pees in a pod by the sound of it.

"...neither has WW told Mr. Transparency how much infinite knowledge she has about OM's penis size. They are 2 pees in a pod by the sound of it. "


Tooooo funny!!!! GF

Gee. WW gets away with an EA. BH accepts it and thinks he is recovered in one conversation, and accepts a little counseling thrown his way as payment for the trouble.

MEDC, I don't think he ever did find his balls.

SB

However I do think that Boogy is in denial right now, and obviously I believe that his WW is playing the ****edit**** with OM...I do think that many people here are being a bit hard on him right now. I am a BH just like him, and think that you guys are taking this too personally. If your WS's acted like him, and you responded like this to them, you would be LBing all over the place...it's not very cool. IMHO.

With that said, boogy does need to snap out of it.

Boogy? Where'd you go? Not still trimming nose hairs, are ya?....j/k.

Just read the whole thread. Wired story, no ending. Too bad.

Same in my situation. I was so BLIND to so many things which should have been seen for what they were. The guy (OM)use to say hello to me and wave when I would take my wife to work.

This poster seems to me to be choosing to blind himself to the truth despite pursuing it when talking to his wife. As if learning the whole truth will compel a decision or course of action he finds unthinkable. I don't know. But when you smell a rat it most often means a rat is close at hand.


Just read his disclosure as to how he used MB and all those who took their time to become involved with his situation. What I find reprehensible is his cavalier attitude toward those who made the effort to address his circumstances often times having to live afresh their own painful recollections. "Whatever. I don't care.",he says. WTF. I sincerely hope his arrogance pays him multiplied dividends in the months to come.

**EDIT**

My update is this:

Wife and I had a long talk. She asserted that her thing with this guy was nothing more than a flirtation, and that she stopped it when he became a little ore serious about it, realizing that it was going far beyond what she had ever intended.

I didn't believe her of course. We found a local polygraph company who agreed to see us on Friday, and she took and passed a polygraph.

We've done the whole no contact thing, and are thinking about going to counselig, etc. I feel a whole lot better knowing that it never went father than just flirting. Hell, I flirt with girls. No harm done.

**EDIT** I did what I had to do to save my relationship with my wife. I'd do it ten more times. **EDIT**

Boogy,


See, you didn't do what you needed to do to "save your marriage".


You did what you had to do to "find out what was going on".


Those are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.



You have lots of work to do if you expect to save your marriage. The flirtation that got out of hand between your wife and the OM should be a signal to you that there are problems in your marriage.

Think about it.

How many marriages out there have had the experience where the wife has had to go into a polygrapher's office and take a lie detector test so the husband can be positive she is telling the truth about her relationship with another man??????

Not too many, Boogs.


Your marriage is in deep doo-doo.


For all your cursing and protestation, you've got problems, bud.

Your wife has emotional needs you are not meeting. The OM in this case made her feel young, vibrant, alive, sexy, appealing, fresh, free.



She wants you to make her feel that way, but somewhere in there you have both begun to take one another for granted, quit doing the things for each other that elevate one another to a special status, and you've lost track of each other in the day to day life of work-paying bills-cleaning house-commuting ...... etc.

You have stopped meeting one another's emotional needs. Probably stopped noticing one another's emotional needs. You probably don't think much about them, for that matter, because a certain comfort level has crept in. It happens.


Both of you start living a little more independently of one another, doing things a little more apart from each other. A little more time spent with other folks, and not together.

You both stop really listening to the other - not out of anger or anything like that, more out of just being familiar. You've been around each other, and have each other "figured out". You kind of know what the other is thinking........only......

What happens is that this kind of leads to putting each other into a box, of sorts. You come to think, "Well, she's like this" or "He's like that", and you no longer really ask about the other's feelings or thoughts anymore, because you think you know them.

But people change, and being in the box becomes

claustrophobic.


And that little flirtation feels a little


tooooooo good.

That OP feels fresh and new because they DO ask, they DO show an interest in what she's thinking and feeling. They don't assume, and while YOU would and DO care, it's different when that OP steps in and really listens. And flirts. And MEANS it.


That's why flirting is dangerous. It's also why your marriage is threatened by what looks like a near-miss, Boogs.

Because the flirtation, and her interest in the OM, should be a signal to you that you need to look at each other's emotional needs and figure out what's happening in your marriage.

Something is going unfulfilled.

What is it?

I don't know that you will even take any advice, but I'm offering it anyway.

Look on this website for the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Both you and your wife take it. Then, sit down and talk about the EN's, and the top three that both of you have.

Talk intelligently and lovingly about how YOU meet hers - ask her if she can tell you concretely what some of the things are that you do that SHOW her when you are meeting those needs. That way, you have an idea of what she sees as ACTIONS that meet those needs. Ask her what things you do that act AGAINST meeting those needs - that is, things you do that lovebust and work to break down the marriage in terms of those emotional needs.

She will want to know about your top three, too.

This exercise should help you two look at one another's needs differently, and help you both change some of your behaviors so that your ACTIONS begin to fulfill the needs of your partner.

That can do wonders for your marriage.

The second piece of advice is that you both read up on the Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Because right now, I think you don't trust her much - and with good reason.


SB

I was sticking up for yuo boogy...until that last arrogant post. Go ahead and blast the guy folks.

I don't think so Introvert. I'm locking this now.