Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2083252 07/01/08 09:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
My wife told me that after 6 years that we are to different and that we come from a different background and that we don't want the same things out of life...We seperated a month ago. She wants to have a marriage like her mom and dad had and she doesn't see that with me. She wants to live in the country and have land.. I want the same thing and she doesn't see that..We had plans for that and alot more and she would tell people our plans that we would live in the country and have some animals and our 2 kids would have a better life..I made a lot of mistakes and she said she cant get over them and she might forgive me but she will never forget... i was too stubborn and hardheaded and my pride drove her away.. i could never admit my mistakes and blamed alot of stuff on her.but now I see that i was the problem and didnt know how to get over stuff., but i want to make it work with her if I have to go to the moon.. how do I make her see that.. She seems to be set on divorce.. I'm going to marriage counseling and she is looking for one now too. she said she doesn't love me anymore and that she tries to find a happy time and she said she looked at our pictures and she feels nothing.. she said she feels bad that this is hurting me but she is in a good place and she is comfortable. she is happy about her future and plans for the future the only thing she doesn't know about it is if I'm going to be in her future.. What if anything can I do???

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 206
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 206
My heart aches for you! Learn about emotional needs and try to find out what hers are and learn to meet them! I wish I had known about them and learned before, but do learn and work on changing/growing you. It is a very hard process, but be open and teachable and PRAY!!


W 34
H 34
D 9
S 6
S 2
Married 11 yrs
Seperated 11 months
D of D 3/25/08 and 3/27/08
WH still living with OW
Praying for repentance, reconciliation, and restoration of WH with God and ultimately with the family.
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Shyne, you can have patience.

Do you really expect her to believe you're now ready to make the changes when you haven't during the years past? If you spend 2 years being an SOB, it may take her year to believe the changes you are making are real, that she's seeing the real you.

Making statements like "I'd go to the moon for you" actually may work against you. It is such hyperbole that one suspects if the sentiment behind it is real.

The first and most important thing to address is lovebusters. If you blamed her, you were definitely engaging in disrespectful judgments. You may also have been guilty of angry outbursts. And, since you list "stubborn" as a problem, I also suspect there were some selfish demands in the mix. Most of us here have committed a wide variety of LBs, and there are plenty who have saved their marriage. However, you are NEVER again to commit any lovebusters.

Until you have routinely demonstrated that you are "safe" by avoiding LB behavior, your wife is not going to want to be around you or have you meet her needs. The risk:benefit ratio isn't good enough. She doesn't "think" this way, she's knows it instictively. LBs condition our spouses to have a negative reaction around us, just like Pavlov's dog and the bell. So, you need to undo that wiring by handling tough situations without being disrespectful, having an angry outburst, or making selfish demands.

AFTER she feels safe around you, then you can more effectively meet her needs. You can start negotiating using the Policy of Joint Agreement which will protect you both from selfishness nad selflessness.

I would also come up with two game plans. Game plan 1 is how to move the family into the country asap, assuming you are together. Game plan 2 is the same thing, just assuming you are divorced. Game plan 2 is to demonstrate to your wife you want to live in the country with some land and that desire is not based on her desire. If this is not true, if you only want to live in the country because she wants to, do not do this game plan. It would be dishonest.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
we are seperated and she moved out of state and our ultimate goal was to move the kids to the country and to have a good life.. that was the plan thats why i would move.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
What is your situation as far as possibility for reconvening?

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
i'm all for it.. I would love to see her but she is the one who is 2000 miles away.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
So follow her. I'd definitely get some vacation time, or if you can make a case for it, Family Leave (quite a stretch and FMLA is often unpaid after you use up your vacation), and get out there. The kids need to see you, and you need to see her and show her you're a new person.

Or drag her back through the kids. Have you seen a lawyer yet about whether she's legally able to move the kids so far away from their father??? I personally HATE when people do that. The only legitimate reason for doing so if there is a threat of danger to the children. Making it so difficult for children to see their father or mother is WRONG. Studies have shown that not seeing both parents on a regular basis can cause abandonment fears in children that they may carry into adulthood.

In other words, you owe it to your children to either get her to move back into your area, or to move out there. You could give her a time frame, like the start of school.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
I'm just scared that if i get her here that she would resent me more.. I'm so scared of anything that i do or say, because she flips out so easy now.. She called me today and she needs more money.. She know that I have no more to give her and she knows that my step mom is in hos pus right now and I cant even afford a ticket to fly home and see her before she passes and Im trying to deal with that too.. I just don't know what to do.. I gave her every cent I had, and she knows how scared I am of losing her and the kids.. I feel stuck, I almost want to give up but there is that hope, Im thinking well right now she is just angry and she will come around, but then when you look at her actions she made her decision, she packed up and took everything and even my dog.. So she has moved on. But then again when I call her I get mixed signals. she keeps telling me that she not ready to file for divorce yet. Should I ask her if she would like for me to move there?

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
I agree. Take an unpaid leave for a month, go to her, woo her back. Read up here about how to be a better spouse, and use it!

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Heck no, don't ask her if she wants you to move over there. Go see her. Visit her.

Also, Heck no on any more money. If the kids need something, she can tell you what they need, you'll buy it and ship it to her. No more money. You cannot afford two houses. You're already paying her car payment. And, you should close the credit card accounts. You do not want her jacking up credit card bills. When you do this, I'd send an email and a hard copy letter, copy her parents and grandparents too.

"Dear Wife,
I love you very much. When I married you, I married you for life. I'm sorry for my part allowing our marriage to get to this place. I still want to remain married to you, and to create a marriage that will make us both happy. To this end, I'm in counseling and making changes. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to send you the amount of money I've been spending. For the sake of our children and our future, I have to avoid any more debt and watch every penny; otherwise, we'll all suffer. To that end, I can send you X amount per month, and I'll continue to pay your car payment for X more months, after that I'm out of money. Also, I've closing the credit cards to new purchases so that we aren't saddled with considerable debt.

your husband,
Y

PS: I love you very much. I miss you and the children. Please come home. I'm working very hard to be the man who can make the rest of your life wonderful."


Go get a lawyer. If you have no money, call Family Services or a similar agency. Many states will give you a court appointed attorney. She cannot just haul the kids away from you. You mustn't allow her to.

I'm sorry to hear about your step-mom. Call her and your dad. I'm sure they'll both understand how much you wish you could be there. I believe we all get a chance to say good-bye. When I didn't get a chance before my relatives passed, they visited me in dreams, usually I'd be eating dinner with them at a party. We'd be talking about stuff just like always. Then, it would hit me. Uncle Emil, you're supposed to be dead! He'd reply "I know. I am. Isn't that a hoot?" Then, we'd say good-bye. It's happened with three different relatives. 'Course, my grandmother still makes periodic visits. She was a witch. She knew stuff before it would happen.

Do your best. If you do nothing else, go see the lawyer about the kdis. This is too important to wait on.

Oh, and as for her having a hissy fit, well, tough. She's threatening all kinds of nonsense, but she doesn't get to have complete control. You need to have some control here. The lawyer can tell you what your options are. She probably can't even file for divorce without coming back to the state.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
wow that is great.. i love it.. you're right about the money.. today she called me and yelling why did I cancel my direct deposit and what is she going to do for money.. I had to pay the mortgage and now i broke again and she knows that.. She told me well get a 2cnd job and don't pay the mortgage payment.. you can send it 100 dollars short.. Shes not even concerned about me or my bills and my step mom at all..I just checked my bank acct. and the little money I had in there she pulled it all out and she even took all the money fromthe savings, I didnt have that much in there but she left me a $1.67. for the next 2 weeks.I gave her all the money that she needed and more, Then she yelled sonething about Im glad I filed for child support on your [censored].. I dont know why she would do that because Im paying her the money that she asked for.. never a day late and a dollar short.. What is she doing? I feel like just giving up.. Is it worth fighting with her.. I keep telling myself its because she is angry and she is just mad she will get over it, but am i really fooling myself here???

Last edited by Shyne426; 07/05/08 01:01 AM.
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
No, you're not fooling yourself. She's the one who's nuts.

My SIL was a prosecutor in family court. She went after deadbeat parents, etc. She told me how women would file for divorce and think they would get all this money in child support from the father. Often, they were suprised at how very little the CS added up to. It certainly wasn't enough for them to maintain their old standard of living. It's not becuase the father's were stiffing them, but because 40% of a person's income is a lot less than sharing it and living in the same house.

Your wife seems to be suffering from that, as well as the possible fog induced by an affair of some sort.

Your marriage isn't over yet. However, your days of being an ATM machine are. You MUST get to a lawyer somehow. Do that Monday. Do that before you do anything else.

I listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio. He's a financial coach, and he's great. He recommends writing out a budget for each month at the very beginning so that every dollar is going to one place or another. In emergency situations like yours, where there may not be enough money to pay everything, he recommends having a priority.
Before you do anything else, you buy food. You need to feed the babies as well as yourself. If you could send groceries, that would be great. Otherwise, you may consider a gift card for the local supermarket. But check with a lawyer first.
Next, you pay utilities--Water, electricity, heating
Next you pay your mortgage or rent
Next you pay your car and your gasoline money.

Ignore your wife's advice on money. She's out of her mind. If she says she needs money for a place to stay, remind her she has a home already. If she uses the kids, tell her the kids already have a nice home, and you'd be happy to take care of them.

The only legitimate excuse in the world I can come up with for her behavior is if you were physically abusive. I doubt that you were. However, if you were, then I think you need to approach this differently.

Last edited by Greengables; 07/05/08 09:02 AM.

Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
No I never touched her, She deals with her problems by running away.. thats what she does.. she ran away from her mom and joined the army..she ran away from her ex boyfriend the same way..

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
I didn't think so, S. Funny, I would have thought that being in the Army would have cured her of running away from problems.


Good luck. We're thinking of you


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 26
thank you for all the support.. I will update soon.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5