A week ago today my wife told me that she had strong feelings for someone else but nothing had happened yet she would let me know it was over before they did.
She decided we needed to seperate and she needed her space to think and work things out. I came home early from a business trip to find her sitting on the couch very comfortable with this other guy in my house after she told me she was tired and was going to bed.
After kicking him out of my house and talking with my wife she told me is was over she wasn't in love with me anymore. I am madly in love with her and have had a very rough year most of which I can't remember and should probably have been a doctor the more I think about it.
She says that she thinks she married the wrong person and she has fallen out of love with me. She thinks she loves this other guy who in her eyes has shown her alot of attention and has expressed his love for her. She says that he notices all the small things and they really connect. They have the same passion for animals and I don't understand that passion.
I have convinced her to give me 2 months to work this out with her, and we are seeing a marriage counselor on Monday morning.

I don't want to loose her, I am madly in love with everything about her and I can forgive her for this but will never forget. I need advice as to if I should fight or let it go? Is this other guy a concern of mine, will she have an affair and hide it from me to be with him? Will she actually fall back in love with, has she fallen out of love with me? Is this all an excuse to feel happiness again because I haven't been there? Is there such a thing as the wrong person. We were a really great couple and have been together for 7 years and married for 1yr and 9 months. Everyone I talk to thinks we are perfect for each other. She refuses to listen to her mother or me about any of this and thinks the 2 months is prolonging the heart break she is going to cause me.

Lost,

First of all...BREATHE!

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here under such circumstances, but considering those circumstances this is not a bad place to be.

I would suggest that you be sure to read the Basic Concepts if you have not already done so. You might want to read a the Q&A columns regarding infidelity.

Also check out the top 4 or 5 threads in the Just Found Out forum under infidelity. There is some good stuff there that can help you right now.

You might also want to move your thread to the Infidelity section, specifically to the General Questions II forum, since that is where the most traffic is. Even at that, Saturdays can be pretty slow around here and it might take a while before anyone answers you. Don't get too excited about that, while you are in a crisis, one of the things you will learn around here is how absolutely typical all affairs are and though the things your wife is saying cut deeply, they are not necessarily a sign of imminent demise.

I'm going to be working today, but will try to check back later if I can.

I see you have been married just under two years. Do you have any kids?

How old are you and your wife?

Is this the first marriage for both of you?

Mark

Mark,
Thanks for the words of confidence, that's what I need alot of right now.
I am 28 and she is 27. We don't have any kids. This is our first marriage and I hope it to be my last. The day I met her I knew I was in love and would spend my life with her. Her attitude is scary as it happened to quickly.

I forgot one important piece of information to help me. This other guy works with my wife and they work very close at work. I have asked that in the 2 months we are working that she limit her contact with him. She says that doesn't think she can give him up totally and that I am really prolonging the hurt of our divorce. I am not giving her a divorce.

We have moved several times in our relationship for my job and she has had to adjust to a new place each time with a new job. I feel the pain I have caused her for this and would like her relationship with this othe person to stop all together. She says that she talks via instant message because she can talk better that way, she never used to be this way and I think it's her way of hiding the conversation she is having with him from me.

I can't move this thread, but I can start another one in the other section.

Lost,

Read up on Plan A. There are two parts to Plan A. The "carrot" and the "stick."

The carrot of Plan A is about making yourself a more attractive choice for her than OM. But the stick is more about boundary enforcement and consequences for her actions.

As long as she works with OM, you are fighting an uphill battle. She is basically addicted to the feelings she has when around this guy and like any addict, she is willing to forsake all in order to get her next fix. Each day that she sees him or talks to him, reinforces these feelings and makes her even more addicted.

Part of the "stick" of Plan A is exposing the affair to those who might be able to exert influence over either of the affair partners in order to bring the relationship to an end. Potential candidates for exposure include your wife's parents, close friends, siblings, trusted pastor or church leader and perhaps even the HR department at her job.

On OM's side of the equation, those same targets and his wife or SO if he has one will yield the biggest payoff. If he is married, his wife should be the very first you should contact.

Be forewarned that when you expose, your wife will not be angry, she will be livid! She will say things that will cut to the bone. You will hear things you never even thought her capable of saying and they will hurt you deeply. But rest assured that ALL wayward spouses say those same things. So much so that we could probably put together a list of what you can expect to hear from her.

The critical part right now is for you to develop a specific plan. The BEST way to develop that plan is with the assistance of Steve or Jennifer at the MB coaching center. (Link in the Nav Bar). Barring that, read all you can find on Plan A and be sure you understand the basic idea. There is a bit on Plan A in the Musings link in my sig line and a short synopsis of MB methods in the Trouble Shooting link as well. The Musings thread also contains links to resources on this site and others, though some of the internal links don't work right now due to a recent upgrade. Those links, I think, are on pages 4, 5 and 6 or there abouts.

If you want to open a new thread on GQII, that would be your best bet. If you know how to link to this thread, you can reference folks back here for basic details. But you can also copy and paste this thread into the first post on a new thread and get everything in one place.

AS a point of reference, when I discovered my wife's affair, she was out of state, visiting relatives next door to OM. Within two days of being confronted, she said she wanted a divorce. Two days later she said she could never give up OM...Last night as I crawled into bed, she cuddled against me with her head on my chest and her arms wrapped around me...Two years after her affair, she is more loving and caring than before her affair...

I just wanted you to know that recovery from this is possible.

But you must have a plan that you can follow. She will gaslight, do all she can to get you to give up and all sorts of things to attempt to keep OM in the loop. But if she really wanted your marriage to be over, she would have ended it.

At the bottom of page 9 of my Musings thread is a post with some links to three parts of the journey of TooMuchTooSoon, who arrived dazed, confused and feeling hopeless. Over a few months time, his wife's affair ended on the eve of her moving out of their home and today they are in recovery. Read through it as you have time. It will drain you emotionally, but it will give you an idea of what to expect. If it gets to be too much to follow, just skip it, but I think it is a story that shows what Plan A can do when done well....

Mark

LostandAlmostOut,

As a Moderator, I can move your thread to the General Questions II forum under Infidelity where you'll get much more support and responses for your situation.

The troubling part is I get comflicting vibes from her.
We don't sleep in the same bed now so it makes it hard for me to sleep.
I woke up this morning and made her breakfast and got her drink for her meds ready and was waiting for her to get up and she walked past me and asked why I was up already.

She went to work and told me that she was still going to have lunch with this other guy and they would talk about our 2 months of working it out.

I called her before she got to work to tell her to have a good day and I Loved Her. I called around the time we was supposed to be done with work and left a voicemail asking how her day was and telling her I loved her.

I sent a text message an hour later telling her how funny the dogs were playing in the yard and that I loved her.

She sent back a text message and called me to tell me to stop harrassing her, that I was smoothering her. I wasn't trying to harrass her or smoother her. I don't want her to forget how much I love her. Is this wrong? Should I stop the affection showing?

The first thing you need to do is expose the affair. That may help end it. Tell her parents, her work, her friends and the OM's parents. Ask for their support for your marriage.

Her mom knows what is going on. She isn't listening to her mom.

I don't want to call her coworkers because that would devistate her but I guess that is the point of Plan A. His mom is really useless and I have to believe she is on his side.

I guess this infidelity to a point but in other ways I am trying to convince myself it's not.

I haven't been happy for a year because of my job. She has taken all the bad things that have happened and bottled them up and upon the storm a couple of weeks ago where I couldn't save her and he did. It was the next week he proclaimed he was in love with her.

After I caught them setting down to a movie and my wife and I started to talk she was still talking to him via text message. He told her to tell me he was sorry, he didn't mean for any of this to happen and he didn't want to hurt me. Is it a play for him to make her like him more because he was sorry I had to find out that way even though it was kind of her idea, because she knew I was coming home early as a surprise? Did she really want me to find out that way so it was easier for her? She doesn't think any of this is wrong and she really has feelings for him and has lost all feelings for me.

Follow the plan here which is to expose the affair. Write a letter to her HR at work and let them know about the affair and ask what they plan to do about it.

And yes, she will be devastated and angry. But your marriage can survive that. It may not survive an affair.

It really doesn't matter what her mom's response is, her friend's, his family, etc. Shine light on their dirty secret. That may be enough to end the affair.

Until the affair ends, all of your efforts to attract her are in vain.

Hey LAAO,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You have found the right place to be at MB.

Read this and memorize it. (Please substitute WW for WH and "she" for "he" where warranted.)

Courtesy of MicheleG's 1st post on my thread:

Your WH:
Is having an A (either EA or PA or both)
He will lie
He will wonder how much you know
He will want to cake eat as long as possible
He is having needs met by both of you
As long as he is allowed to continue, he will

This is your part:
Time to expose the A to OWH again and any family member or friend that may have influence over him

Read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell him that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive his anger, but it cannot survive if he remains a WS.

Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.

Your WH will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. He is trying to justify his actions to himself. He is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OW. She could be anyone.

He has weaknesses that he did not protect. It is a slippery slope.

Keep coming here. Read, read, read.