be so strong and carry on with your lives?<P>I have posted here a couple of times in the past. Quick updated - suspected h having affair for +- 10 months. Confirmed 8 months ago that this was true. I have been trying very hard not to be emotional and be understanding as he has also been going through very hard time. H didn't go looking for affair. It just happened. Wasn't feeling loved and we had minor problems which over the past months we have been working on.<P>H will not tell me who it is, but I do know. He seems to play down the intensity of affair. I don't know if it is to protect me or him. Has been telling me for past month or so that ow has been resisting him for last +-6 months because she knows that it isn't right for them to carry on. (She is very religious, we are not at all) My problem is that I think he is "head over heels" in love with her and still pursuing her and wanting to carry on. This is killing me as I adore my h more than anything else in the world and can't bear to think of him loving someone else and not me.<P>I am not coping very well. No-one else knows about what is going on in my life. I have never had a close friend other than h, so I have no-one else to talk to. I find now that I am withdrawing more and more from people, becoming clingy with h and have no patience with my 2 kids (7&9). I cry easily and snap at the kids all the time. I am becoming more and more obssesive in my hatred of women, particularly long haired women. The ow works in the same office as h, so I know that he sees her all day, every day and this does not help matters either.<P>Although my h says that he does not think that he would leave me for her, I am too scared to insist that he ends everything with her, just in case it backfires on me and he leaves me for her instead of breaking it off with her.<P>He still cannot tell me that he loves me and yet can tell her that he would die for her. He cannot even have sex with me anymore let alone "make love" to me. He says the desire is there, but not the ability. He is on anti-depressants (I am not)which could be affecting him in this area, but it was detriorating even before he started taking them.<P>I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I just bite my tongue and hope that in time it will all peter out and come to an end (who knows when), or do I demand that he make a choice immediately - her or me?<P>I'm sorry this has turned out to be so long, but I need a shoulder to cry on, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I will die if my h decides that she is the one for him and not me. I cannot start my life over again after nearly 20 years.<P>Kat1 and others, I hope you will be able to help me. You all seem to have such calm good advise for others and Kat1 I have followed your story very closely because of the similarity of h working with ow and how calmly and lovingly you handled things. Where on earth did you get the strength from. You must have a very high self-esteem and lots of self-confidence which I am sadly lacking in both areas.<P>Thanks in advance to all who reply. I do read and take note of every reply I receive even if I do not respond to all. I am not very good at putting things into words, so please bear with me.<P>ctk<p>[This message has been edited by ctk (edited October 15, 1999).]

Hi, I know the feeling..how do they carry on? Focus on yourself, heal your relationship with your children..they are the innocents. The pain can be unbearable. Myself, I am on anti-depressants. I don't know what resources are availiable in South Africa, but counseling for yourself. This can drive people to insanity. Check for the paost taht exchanges other peoples e-mail, keep in touch and take care.<BR>I know the spot, the anguish, pain, hurt, anger, all those emotions. I have emails that entail my W's passion for the OM. dAMN, IT HURTS. tRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL - you- and what you can't.<BR>keep us posted. Sorry for shouting there.

CTK,<P>First, you will survive, no matter what. You are a Mom with two kids? You don't realize your own strength! <P>* Take some time now to discover the value in yourself - and add to it. <BR>* Read Harley's books and others. <BR>* Read the threads here and be inspired by the strength and patience of others.<BR>* Eat well, exercise, and rest. Take care of yourself.<P>I am in a similar situation and have been struggling with the patience part. My coping technique has been to a) take St. John's Wort to help the depression, b) exercise at every opportunity (for me that is situps, pushups, dumbells - things I can do at home). <P>I have found that when I do this I spend less time agonizing. I'm in a better mood so I can deal with my cold, betraying wife better. And I am developing abs of steel! That sounds shallow, but it is helping me feel good about myself. <B>Key Point:</B> I am doing this for me, not for her.<P>You said you are not religious. If you are willing to open up a little you will find compassion and strength in Christianity. Do yourself a favor - go talk to a local minister. You don't have to join the church or become saved. Just talk. Share your troubles with him. I am new to this myself, but I have found <B>much</B> comfort. Enough said.<P>Be courageous CTK. This is a roller coaster ride. It will help if you realize how much strength you truly posess.<P>God bless you.

hi covenant and 2sad4words<P>Thanks so much for your replies. I have read basically everything there is to read on this site and more. I am just going through a very bad patch again right now and needed to vent.<P>Although I am hurting so badly and I do not condone what has happened, I can, in a crazy sort of way, understand why this has happened in our marriage (won't go into details), but I just want him to end it with her so that we can go forward and he can get his love back for me. He has said that he knows that it has to end, but does not know how or even when it will end. <P>My h has been very good with trying to be as open and honest with me as he feels he can be right now, but as with most things in life,we never seem to be satisfied and I want him to be more open. He has said that he will be at some later stage, but is trying to protect me as much as he can under the circumstances.<P>I have tried St Johns Wort, but it did not work for me. Am seriously thinking of going to the Dr for something stronger. Only problem is I will have to tell him why I need them. I am an intensely private person when it comes to my marriage and do not disclose details very easily. This site is the first time that I have opened up to anyone about it.<P>2sad4words I was brought up with religion in my life, but let it fall by the wayside when I became disillusioned with it as a result of things that happened in my life before I even got married. More disillusionment has taken place over the years and as a result I am even further away from even wanting to think about it in my life right now. Maybe one day when this is all over I may think differently, but right now I am very anti having it in my life. I have no objections to other people having it in their lives. If it helps them them I am happy for them, but its definitely not for me at this stage.<P>Once again thanks for your replies and encouragement and good luck to both of you too.<P>ctk

How do I go on? Well, like you, I have kids who need me. Even in my darkest hour, when he first confessed (a 14 mo. affair with a co-worker) I knew that my kids needed me to be whole and sane.<P>Getting there (sane) isn't easy, but you will be ok. Having no one to talk to besides us here makes you very vulnerable to depression. <P>I broke down and went to my primary physician and she prescribed an antidepressant, which has the added benefit of aiding in getting to sleep. Also, she checked me for STD's, and in a few weeks I'll be checked for HIV (that will be six months from their "last time", which is the longest it usually takes to show up. Thirdly, she referred me to a therapist, so it is covered by my insurance--we have gone to her together and it helped alot. Regular marriage counseling isn't usually covered, but if it is a referral for situational anxiety (as mine was), often the therapist will see you both and insurance covers it under the original referral. Obviously, this is an individual decision to make, but it helped me tremendously.<P>Hang on, you will get through this. Is he living at home and working with/carrying on affair with OW?<P>If so, you don't need to put up with that. It demeans you in your H.'s eyes and blocks him from respecting and loving you again. <P>The most helpful thing I did was realize that I needed to stop saying "I'll die without him" and realize that I was much stronger than he or I thought. When I stood up to my H. and said "I deserve better than what you are giving me", he took notice and agreed. Things started improving right away. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson? It is a must read (in my opinion).<P>God Bless (I know you don't profess a faith right now, but you don't have to believe in Him, he loves you just where you are right now).<P>Lizzie<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><p>[This message has been edited by Liz Smith (edited October 15, 1999).]

My Wife started her affair just over a year ago. He left just before Christmas. I found out Christmas night. She went on vacation 1 Feb, came home a week later and said she was leaving to "find her space." She too told me she would NEVER leave me for another man, it would be for herself. She also told me she would never move to the other side of the country. She has been gone for 8 months now.<P>Don't demand anything. It may backfire. Stop <B>ALL</B> Love Busters.<P>She destroyed my self esteem, self confidence & just about everything else. I have slowly rebuilt myself. How? Try not to dwell on it too much. Yeah, much easier said than done. Take time for you. Remember, what he is doing is not about you. It is his problem because he chose to have an affair. He is not doing it to hurt you. He is being selfish.<P>Come on back here & cry on our shoulders anytime.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Hi CTK:<BR>I feel bad for you, but this is the right place for you to vent, we are all pretty much in the same situation. Sometimes I think its better not to know what your husband or wife are doing, knowing the truth just destroys us. Hang in there. I am in the same situation, after discovery (6 weeks) things are not any better. I am plagued with bad moods, fighting, in between a rock and a hard place. If it wasn't for the children I would <BR>wish them both much happiness and leave without a thought. WE MUST DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN, NOT FOR OURSELVES. BUT ONCE THE CHILDREN ARE OLDER WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT FOR OURSELVES AND REGAIN OUR SELF-RESPECT....AND LEAVE HIM BEHIND....SPEED AWAY...AND LEAVE HIM IN THE DUST....THAT'S MY DREAM.....HANG IN THERE....WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH....SOMEHOW

Thanks Liz and Chris...<P>I hear you Chris and will continue to be brave and try to be strong. Have been following you story too and am holding thumbs for you. <P>I will be reading the replies I get over the weekend, but don't know if I will be able to post replies until Monday again. H knows that I read on this site and lurk behind the scenes, but is not aware that I also post from time to time so please all of you who read this, caryy on posting I will reply as soon as I can!<P>Thanks - ctk

Time and tears and breathing, just breathing sometimes will get you through...<P><BR>((((hgus))))<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Hi ctk, I'm sorry I'm answering so late. This last weeks have been extremelly busy for me and I hardly had a chance to come to the computer. I used to do it late at night, but I'm starting earlier int he morning, so I can't do even that.<BR>I do , however read my e-mail more regularly, so if you want to e-mail me please do so ( lwnd@hotmail.com). <BR>I'm afraid I am not answering anything today either, but I'm running at this moment as well, H's aunt needs help <BR>I will try to get back later on today.<BR>DO e-mail me, I usually check it even at work.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

When I first found out about my wifes affair, I didn't think I could go on with out her either. But after slowing down and thinking, I realized I could, and I am sure everyone can. One thing I did not try to do is cover up for my wifes affair, especially when she was in the middle of it. I think that by doing that, I would have made it easier for her to continue to have the affair. I realized that her having an affair was not the right thing to do and that it was important for her to understand that the affair hurt other people besides myself (her family, my family, our kids, our friends, her work (her affair was with a coworker). These were people that I let know about the affair. I had no reason to be embarressed, my wife did. <P>Not sure any of this helps, but good luck to you.

Hi ctk<P>What happened to you is the same as me. Co-worker, how they "resisted" each other. It's really sickening how stereotypical these cheaters are. I don't know where I'm going to end up. Some days I see a lot of hope, some days none. My H is treating me well which helps - maybe it's his guilt. He has said he's ashamed, yet he has not told the OW to take a hike. I'm just working on the things that I know have been wrong in our marriage to get those needs filled. My hope is that there are many needs she can't fill because there is indeed more to life than so-called "chemistry". I have to say that my love for God is my help but I have always praised Him no matter how bad things get, and I know His heart is just as broken as mine than my H made the choice to do this to our family. It's only been a week or so for me and I can see I may have to see a Dr. so I can function better to.<P>I don't have any answers. I think we all secretly wish there was someone who would show up and tell us all exactly the right thing to do. I do know one thing, I've been following too many people's advice. Everytime I did it pushed us further away from each other. Go with your heart, be informed, but always stand tall. Take care.

ctk,<P>Your post says your H told other woman he would die for her but he does not think he would leave you. That's sounds contradictory. It sounds like if she would have him, he would be gone. <P>You say she is very religious and she seems to be remorseful and trying to end it with your H-which is good. Do you believe this to be true? Maybe you should have a talk with her and let her know just how much you are hurting and find out where she stands. If she is in anyway still pursueing your H, I would go to her pastor (of course, that's just me) and fill him in on what is happening. <P>I'm sure your H is hurting right now and is probably very confused. But I'm more concerned about you. I don't know if demanding he make a choice is the right thing to do or not, but it sounds like your allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too. I, also, love my H and when I first found out about his betrayal, I was ready to take my own life. I couldn't function (even work) for weeks. Like you, he was my life. I have no real family or close friends either and no one I could really talk to. I'm still having a very hard time, but I am stronger. I have made a few close friends, even. Like others here, much of my strenth and stability has come from my faith in God. Also, I am going to a counselor who believes strongly in marriage.<P>You say it has been eight months. That's a long time. And your starting to snap at your kids. None of this is good. Maybe you should see a counselor. Also, your H is going to do what he will do. As long as he knows you are so dependent upon him and will be there no matter what, things may go on and on until ow insists he leave you for her or until he gets it in his head that ow does not want him. On the other hand, if he sees you going on with your life, sees that you just might be able to exist without him, realizes that om may take an interest in you, it might wake him up to the fact that he could lose you.<P>I'm not saying to tell him to make a choice, but just show him without love busting that, until he decides what he wants, you are going on with your life, that you don't need him to survive. I know this sounds scary. I really think you need to find out where ow stands on this issue. Does she still want your H or not? If not, you have more cards to play. Good luck