Hi everyone,<P>Sunday is October 17 it will be 2 years ago that me and the OM kissed for the first time. I know your going to say don't think about it but I can't shut my mind off. I wish I could.<P>I think the withdrawal is getting better but I still find myself fantancing about me and him and the dreams are still there. When my mind goes there I try to think of my husband or even my dog, anything and sometimes it works for a moment.<P>Any advice?

Oh no...don't think about stuff like that...it's only a date. That day doesn't mean any more than any other day...don't let something like that make you fantasize about the OM.<P>Did you take a look at the Surviving Loss website? I wish I had known about that site a long time ago.<P>I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. Maybe you could plan something fun with your husband or sisters this weekend to get your mind of the OM or just appreciate that it's the weekend and you don't have to see him.<P>Is he changing his job soon? Is he still giving you puppy dog eyes? How are things with your husband...still good?<P>BTW...I had a dream last night that some beatiful woman was kissing my husband right in front of me. I was so jealous and actually threatened the woman's life. All of a sudden I found my husband attractive and desirable. It made me think...maybe I would be heartbroken if he left me. Just thought I'd share. <P>

Holly,<P>I wish I had the dream like that! Sometimes I think I wouldn't even be jealous, how could that be? I keep having dreams with the OM, and I hate it. It's not there they're all sexual, some are just talking, laughing together. I haven't checked out that website yet, but I will, my computer at home had to be taken out for service, so I'll only have access here at work for at least a week .<P>The OM has been pretty cool towards me, which is good. I am an overwhelming thought of just asking him how's he's doing. I haven't talked to him since October 4th. I still miss him and the way he used to touch my face and hold me . I haven't cryed over him in awhile but today is hard.<P>I thought he'd be moving soon, but I haven't <BR>asked him and it's probably best I stay away today.<P>Everything is OK at home.<BR>

By best new question of the day. If you are thinking of doing or just plain thinking of something ask yourself this...<P>IS THIS THE BEST WAY I CAN HONOR MY MARRIAGE?<P>If the answer is no, then do or think something else. Not easy, but it holds yourself accountable.<P>This worked great with my H last night. I know he was working up to ask me if he go "go out" with some old friends who came to town. Problem is when they get together they act like the young and single guys they were 20 years ago. They have taken different paths, but still have that nostalgic thing going.<P>Anyway, I beat him to it. I asked if he was thinking about it. He looked sheepish, then I said, I don't want to control your actions and I know you know my preference, but ask yourself...IS THIS THE BEST WAY I CAN HONOR MY MARRIAGE?<P>He said no, it would not. I no longer looked like I was trying to control, but rather he was choosing the right thing to do based on his own values.<P>And isn't that what we all want?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey Hum,<P>There will be days like today when withdrawal will be <B>very</B> hard, and it seems like you can't make it through the day without at least saying hi to the OP. I hate those days, but they're getting less and less for me.<P>I don't remember dates so much, but I do remember things we did, etc. One of the worst parts of withdrawal are those damn memories that keep popping up when you don't want them. When they come, it's like a spike through your heart. Ugh. I'm not really getting them too much anymore either, but occasionally they still pop up to harass me.<P>Right now, Hum, the memories are very painful, but they get dimmer with time, and eventually it won't hurt as much. And then you'll find that it won't hurt at all (actually that fact in and of itself is rather sad, but hey... that's life!).<P>Anyway, I think you're making some real progress! I've even seen you post on other folks threads with advice!<P>--andy

WOW ... FHL .... thanks for that tip!<P>H-Bird ... I have the same "anniversary" dates burned in my brain ... they are fading, but it's discouraging to hear that after 2 years you're STILL remembering those dates. I had hoped that after 2 years I would be NOT remembering, ya know? (but I got another year to go)<P>Hang tough though. I can't believe you still SEE him ... I'd die a million deaths if I had to see the OM everyday. That would be too too hard for me to handle. Maybe that's why your "recovery" is taking longer??????????<P>Just remember, I'm there with ya, little buddy!

FHL, I'll keep saying that to myself, no it's not, I'm being very disrespectful. The counselor told me everytime I had this need to talk to him to write it out but DON'T send it to him, so I wrote this, please guys don't be mad it made me feel better to write it and I didn't send it:<P>I still love you very much.<BR>I still dream of you and us.<BR>I still cry.<BR>I still want you/us<BR>Your smell, voice, laughter drives me crazy <BR>I miss your touch<BR>I miss your kisses<BR>I miss being in your arms<BR>I miss kissing your neck, everything<BR>I miss blowing in your ear<BR>I miss stroking your hair<BR>I miss kissing your face<BR>I miss kissing your hands<BR>I miss your gentle caresses<BR>I miss being one with you<BR>I miss holding your hand<BR>I miss looking into your eyes<BR>I miss talking to you<BR>I miss being your best friend<BR>I miss our dreams<BR>I feel like a my heart will never be the same<BR>I feel like my life is a puzzle with all the major pieces missing<BR>I feel so empty at times<BR>I feel so lost <BR>I feel so lonely<BR>I feel so much hurt and pain<BR>It hurts thinking of us as not soul mates<BR>It hurts trying to erase you from my heart<BR>It hurts moving on<BR>It hurts trying to forget what our lives could of been<BR>It hurts thinking we were a mistake<BR>It hurts thinking we'll never be again<BR>It hurts saying goodbye to my true love<P>Airheart, I can't wait until I don't feel this way anymore and I can just think of him and not hurt. I've been trying to post to other people with whatever I can give, however, I realize my emotions are shakey.<P>Maya: It's only been 9 weeks since we broke up. If I still feel this way in 2 years, I'll shoot myself.

Hummingbird,<P>I don't think it is a very good idea to write all these thoughts down like this. It will keep you longing for all this stuff with him. How about writing down all the things that were wrong with him & how everything got screwed up because of you & him?<P>How about writing down all the good stuff you remember with your H (please don't tell me you can't think of any) and when you start to think of the om, pull it out & read it. Get your mind focused on your H & the good times.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

H-Bird, that list hurt my heart. I feel so much of that STILL .... but I know that I made the right decision.<P>I know that I could not have trusted the OM ... I would have "watched" his every move for the rest of my life with him.<P>It really hurts to think that if I had gone with him the "fantasy" part of the relationship would have eventually dried up ... know what I mean? That high we were getting from the affair would have stopped over time and then REAL LIFE would have set in and I could very possibly have been feeling that same way I did in my current marriage.<P>9 weeks isn't a very long time .... you're doing great! This time last year I was on the edge of a cliff. I had just broken it off with OM, broke his heart, and he was getting ready to leave the state for another job. I had lost my BEST friend in the world, and was going back to a marriage I didn't want ... looking at it like it was a death sentence. I was overcome with saddness, grief, despair .... the bottom had dropped out of my life ... EVEN THOUGH I knew I was doing what God wanted me to do by ending it and staying with my family.<P>And I never thought I'd have gotten THIS far .... and you will too!<P>Keep posting here. When you're up, post it. When you're down, post it. There are many that know how you're feeling.<P>You're gonna make it!<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 15, 1999).]

Hummingbird, I have to say I agree with alot that's being said. It's ok to feel gloomy about missing something that your not getting currently. You can feel that gloominess though and not let it obsess you. I believe you need to do something that will honor your marriage that day and turn the day into something else for yourself. You are now working on acheiving a different lifestyle, so don't go backwards and think what if I had done this.......Think, now what can I do now to make this day special in OTHER ways? You can do it, we have faith in you! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

It's so hard for me to read things like what you wrote to the OM.<P>I probably could write the same type of letter to my OM. The thing is I'm trying to stop myself from doing things like that...it will only keep me in withdrawal.<P>At the beginning of my withdrawal I would write letters like that, but they only made me feel worse and prevented me from moving on. Now, I'm trying to avoid anything that puts romantic notions in my head. Even thought I'm feeling better I'm still avoiding things that will pull me back into withdrawal. I'm change the radio station when a song comes on that reminds me of him, I don't watch "soap opera" type shows, I don't rent romantic movies, etc. <P>I know this is no way to live...to avoid things that once brought you pleasure. But I feel that I'm only going to do this for a while...until I'm fully over this withdrawal.<P>It's kind of sad because in a way I feel that I still could love the OM, but I have just chosen (or have been forced) not to. I feel that it's only time that has made the feelings diminish. It's almost as if I'm just getting used to not being able to have him, that I've just accepted it...not that I really couldn't love him.<P>But, I've chosen to stay with my husband and I'm going to make the best of it. I really believe in the power of thinking positive thoughts to make you believe things. The more positively I think about my husband, the better attitude I have towards him.<P>I told you I've gotten rid of all reminders of him. Well, I still have him on my buddy list on AOL. I haven't been able to delete his name. I've deleted it a couple times and always put it back on. He was online last night and I was soooo tempted to send him an instant message...but something held me back. <P>Hope things are getting better for you as the day goes on!<BR>

Hum,<P>I understand this too... just wanted you to know that.<P>Hang in there like we all have to, even when it's the most difficult thing to do. We ARE all here together <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I'm sorry for making everyone feel sad and I don't want to cause anyone additional pain. I shouldn't of posted it but it did give me strength to not send it to him, otherwise I know I would of.<P>He sent me a birthday email from Bluemountain Cards, very interesting it was called "I had an itch to write you, so I scratch it, I just wanted to wish a Happy Birthday, always". I didn't reply but God I got really angry. I felt like telling him "go scratch this...". He just had to do that!<P>Maya, I have a hard time with thinking life with him wouldn't be so wonderful and much better than what I have with my husband. I know it's fantasy but god it's hard to let go. <P>Chicks, I'll try to make Sunday special with my husband and since tomorrow's my b-day I have breakfast, lunch and dinner plans with family & friends so hopefully he won't enter my mind too much. <P>Chris, I'll keep thinking of how arrogant he is when those thoughts enter my head and how much he lied to me. It is true that since the relationship started with the OM everything my husband did wrong was so inflammed, I critized everything. I kept comparing every detail, and how the OM was so much better in my mind. I will try to focus on all my husband's good qualities. I want to feel inside (in my eyes) that my husband is a "better" man all around more than the OM. I guess because I feel I would of left him for the OM that I'm now settling for my marriage.<P>Holly, I have to stop watching those movies and stuff too at least until I'm better. There's a channel in New Jersey, "Lifetime for Woman", it has alot of movies on the weekends about relationships, I watch it often. I'll think of all the good qualities in my husband and your right if I'm going to make my marriage work and stay committed, I have to stop this. The OM is married and doesn't want me in his life, he is doing the right thing and so should I. I am my worse enemy.<P>NB, thanks for your encouragement, it means alot to me. I hope things with you get better, I read your recent post and I understand so well working with the OM. Try and get some sleep, the only thing that finally helped me were sleeping pills. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 15, 1999).]

I watch Lifetime too... but I watch the Golden Girls and Designing Women <P>Those movies are always something like:<P>The story of a woman who used to be a man whose gay child was abducted by her ex and taken to a foreign country and her struggle to become a woman of substance... <P>hahahahahaha <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hummingbird,<P>Don’t think of it as “settling” for your marriage. Sounds like you’re not getting what you <I>really</I> want. Think of it as settling for the best!<P>Your Husband has agreed to stick by you even though he has every legal, moral, ethical, religious and every other right not to. That should tell you he is truly a man of character. I think you will win this game we call life. By a large margin!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>