I think it interesting and I'm somewhat perplexed by the idea some folks think that cheating is the only way out of a bad marriage.

I mean, lets say they truly and sincerely tried everything under the sun, including Harley's prinicples, to make their marriage a happy one. Yet its still not working. Why in the world do they think CHEATING is the way out of their marriage?

CHEATING (aka betrayal), as we all here know, destroys people. Ask Harley, he equates the affects of adultery on the BS to RAPE, yes RAPE. And then theres always the life-long affects on the children who witness and model that immoral behavior.

Why don't people who are not happy in their marriage just divorce their spouse instead of needing to find someone else first before they have the cajones to do so. Seems so insecure to me.

Thousands upon thousands of stories from people who have cheated touting "I've been unhappy for YEARS". Then why did they not divorce back then? Why did they wait until they started cheating.

Makes one wonder about the validity of their claim of years of unhappiness. Does it not?

Thanks for reading.
Jo

Jo,

I have to agree with you!!! Why cheat? Why not just end it and say, "I'm sorry it didn't work out."

We know why they (cheaters say that they were unhappy for years, they revision what the past is t validate what they are doing now!!

It's sad, and yes as a BS I felt that I was raped, not that I have been physically but I can imagine that being the most horrific scarist thing in the world.

My 2 cents worth.

Dawn

To me it IS rape. My WH led me to believe things were wonderful, and we were happy. Little did I know, he was out screwing some whore at the same time.

I felt dirty and used. We had sex a couple of times a week. I felt terrible. Had I known what was going on, or that he was going to do it, I would have ran as far from him as I could. Leading me to believe that we were living a great life, and lying and cheating... yep, rape to me.

I think that some people stay married "unil something better comes along". Honestly, I can't think of any divorce in my social circle where there was not someone waiting in the wings to fill the vacancy (except my parents which was a violently abusive marriage).

I think that is why the adultery comes as such a shock to so many BS's. How many BS's here where having sex regularly, making plans, raising kids, going on vacations, seemingly happily married people?

How many people tell their spouse "I want a divorce because I would rather be alone than be with you". No, they wait until the "back-up" is in place because they don't have the balls to be alone.

Heck, I am almost 3 years post D-Day, 1.5 years post divorce and am JUST NOW realizing that I am fine by myself. My exWH, on the other hand, has split with OW and has now moved in with a different GF, he has spent very little time alone.

And yeah, the story is the same, we were planning our family vacation, having SF 5-6 times a week, money was fine, no problemo, no clue that he was looking for my replacement.

I personally think that a lot of WS do that so that they have a "target" that is not them..... They do not want to be married, they find someone else, their spouse finds out... and 9 times out of 10 the spouse is MAD AT THE OP, and NOT as mad at the WS!!!

Then, once the anger is directed elsewhere, it is easier to then call it quits.

JMO.

I assume this is suggestion that comes from experience. I am not intending to offend, it's just that as a FWS, you offer the only true insight so far into Resilients questions.

I think any BS responses are all pretty much speculation.

Also, I'm seeing the terms "cajones" and "balls" in posts. We are referring to both genders of WS's correct?

I won't begin to speculate but I am interested in seeing some more WS responses.

I am also interested in some WS responses. When you think about it, it's really and truly $hi++y to have an A just to get out of the marriage. Sorry, there's no appropriate word that describes that better. But even if you really have been unhappy for years. And even if you've tried everything you can and failed. Here is a person that you have lived with for a significant chunk of your life, possibly had children with, become part of their extended family as they have of yours, shared vacations, memories, tough times, good times and everything in between, the person who you know the best who knows you the best - why in the world would you want to hurt them the worst possible way?? You wouldn't treat an enemy this way.

Oh ho... good question. My experience with ex-- he expected me to provide everything -- pay bills, clean house, cook and provide him his happiness, while he did nothing but spent his money on toys and ran a huge credit card debt. Then he blamed ME for his unhappiness and his affairs. It's amazing to be blamed for something you didn't know of.

Some people will just use any excuse to cheat. And when things don't turn out the way they expect (forgiveness and acceptance or repentance on the bs's part) they quit.

Losers.

I am much happier today without him. He still complains about having bills -- his own bills-- to be paid.

RUFFLEDNOT

I am referring to both sexes of WS (I don't know what female cajones are called-"She didn't have the ovaries to live alone", doesn't have quite the same literary punch.)

This made me laugh out loud!! Thank you!!!

And I had the ovaries to kick him out that no-good cheating lying bum!

ROTF!

my ovaries missed him

but my fallopian tubes didn't


<sorry, i stop here now>

The being unhappy for years doesn't surprise me much. I tend to think it is misleading to call it a history "rewrite". It is more of a biased analysis of facts as opposed to rewriting those facts. I mean go pick the 5 worse moments in your life over the last ten years and compare them to the 5 best of the last year and you will likely conclude you have been unhappy for years. Reverse it and you will conclude differently. Happiness is not an objective fact measured in the absolute, it is a subjective fact measured in the relative.

So I don't doubt that a WS believes they were unhappy for years, I just doubt whether their conclusions are sound.


Most likely its because they know they don't want a divorce. What they usually want is to be happy in their marriage. My own opinion on this is that deep down they know they have to fix some things about themselves in order to be happy in their marriage and they are afraid to do that. So they take the easy way out. They find someone who either initially claims to be willing to make them happy without them fixing some of their issues or has so many issues of their own that the WS can ignore their own problems.

Most times the BS is not "competing" with the OP in terms of what they can provide, they are "competing" in terms of what they will not ask for.

I really don't know much about this topic, but I'd guess that very few people cheat as a means of initiating divorce. I'd even say that few intentionally get into an affair (atleast the first one).

I've always heard it said that an affair is just a sign of something else wrong in the marriage, but I don't know that that is always true anymore. Maybe there was really nothing wrong with the marriage, but life was just tough for external reasons and the WS just didn't know how to deal with it. Maybe the problems are minor, but you just didn't know how or feel like you should, deal with it.

Yes, I imagine there are WS who have an affair to get there EN met, but what if it's just to get a way from the family life, to get away from a spouse that you have to share with.

I can't imagine I'd ever have an affair, but I imagine it would start without me even really aware of it.

Here's what I'm thinking (from a BS and WS perspective):

I don't think the WS is saying "I am not happy in my marriage so I will have this affair". What I think they are saying is "I am not happy and my spouse cannot fix me".

I have seen too many marriages that were the envy of the neighborhood that suffered from infidelity. These are not bad marriages. They just have one spouse that chooses cheating as a way to deal with some issue completely unrelated to the marriage.

My cheating had nothing to do with my BH, he hadn't changed, the marriage hadn't turned sour, it was the same marriage that I used to find satisfying. I became dissatified with myself and started looking for coping mechanisms. I did college, new career, kids, pond building, home decor, etc. Nothing about the marriage was changing, my BH had nothing to do with my infidelity. It was all about my selfish dissatisfaction and my running out of harmless coping skills.

Same with my WH, marriage was fine, he wasn't happy. He tried some different mechanisms and ended up with infidelity. He is still not happy and he will keep looking to he finds something within himself to make him happy.

I have run out of coping skills, it is just me and the darn mirror from here on out.

Gambling, drinking, drugs, obsessive hobbies...I think they're all the same. But with infidelity, you have to tear down another human (one you vowed to protect and love) in order to justify your cheating. It is not a competition between two people, it is just chasing a high.

If a WS became a drug addict, the end result would likely be the same, divorce, financial destruction, heartbroken kids etc. But the WS wouldn't make the BS feel unloveable because the drug of choice is sexier, younger, makes more money, "understands" the WS.

I am an alcoholic, I know drinking doesn't solve anything and just creates havoc and heartbreak in my life. It is not on my coping skills menu anymore.

I am a FWS, I know infidelity doesn't solve anything and just creates havoc and heartbreak in my life (and the people that I love the most). It is not on my coping skills menu anymore.

From being on both sides of the fence, I have learned that (in a normal marriage, no abuse) infidelity has nothing to do with the faults of the BS. If it was all about the horrible BS, then yes, people would just divorce, heal, AND THEN pursue another relationship.

Infidelity is just like any other addiction except the BS has to take it so personally since it is just another flesh and blood human and not something less intimidating like a bottle or a crack pipe.

JMO

You couldn't be more wrong. It's a choice, plain and simple.

Then I stand corrected.

I agree, cheating is a CHOICE, it just doesn't happen. If someone is feeling an attraction to someone other than their spouse, then they can either step back from the situation or jump into bed with them. It is their choice....

As for cheating as a means for divorce, I am sure there are many reasons. Sure, unhappiness in a relationship can be one. I also feel that someone that wants out of a relationship is probably afraid to be alone, hence they find someone. Think about how many times you have seen a spouse having an affair with a loser. They just took anybody they could find so they did not need to be alone.

How did I feel when my X cheated? (and she cheated several times). I felt worthless, I wasn't a man, a father, a friend, nothing. I felt that if I could not keep the most important thing in my life intact, I was a complete loser. When she left, I felt as if my soul had been ripped from my body and there was nothing left. It has taking me years to get over my divorce and I am still working on it.