It's been a year since my divorce was finalized. I still feel in limbo. I have no interest in dating, no desire to be with someone. Is there something wrong with me?

I still feel hurt over the divorce and my ex's affair. He's moved on - not with the OW - but with someone my children says is really nice "you'd like her mom". I don't want to like her. Contrary to my ex's desire to "be friends" I have no desire to be near him. He even was bold enough to suggest we all try and spend the future holidays and birthdays together. What? Do people do this?

You know, there are people that do this but I don't think I could. My WstbxH lied, cheated and stole from me. He is also unrepentent and still living with OW. These are not qualities I would accept in any other friend. Why should I accept that in him? I am healthier with him out of my life.

My XW didn't cheat (that I could ever find anyway), but I still can't stand breathing the same air as she does. It's been a year that we've been physically apart (separation and divorce), and we were living separated in the same house for months before that. I hate her like I've never hated anything else in my life. I never even knew what hatred was until I learned to hate her. She also had a fantasy of us being friends afterward "for the benefit of the children". Every time she wanted something, it was for the benefit of the children.

However, I've been able to move on. I got used to, and enjoyed being by myself and learned to everything I wanted on my own. I'm seeing someone now, and we're moving along at a good pace IMO. I learned to separate my anger and resentment toward my ex and compartmentalize it. That's not to say that I don't take that experience with me. The difference is between seeing the experience as lessons learned and baggage.

In other words, I choose not to let my dislike for the ex affect any of my other relationships, be they work, family, or personal. I do however try and stay mindful of the things that got me divorced, and I recognize that those same things can destroy any kind of relationship.

Dear Jfaye,

Each person has his or her own timing in healing, there is nothing wrong with you. I've read somewhere the benchmark of 1 year healing for every 5 years of marriage. You don't have to be with someone to be happy, you know? God made us complete.

I have a friend whose ex husband cheated constantly. He eventually divorced her to be with OW. He doesn't want custody of their children at all. When she got married two years later, he jumped and got very jealous. He didn't think anyone would want her. Him and OW remained, him and OW...

So you see, your ex may suggest all the future holidays and birthdays that he wants. But if he sees another man with his family -- it'll be another song.

I hope you will find peace with the past. Hang in there, things have a way of working itself out. Take care of yourself and your kids.

This is very true. It takes time AND effort. And as much as we all want companionship, we need to learn to be single after divorce.



It is going on 4 years for me and even though sometimes I get a little depressed about it, I have found peace. I know I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore to see who my wife was cheating with.

It takes two year to recover from a divorce. And I mean two years from the day of the divorce, not the day of separation. If you linger with your ex a lot, it may take longer. My personal experience confirms the two years. At one year, you are only 1/2 way there. Make a note of how you feel today, write it down and save it someplace. Open it in one year. You will be surprised at how different you are.

I've been divorced for 6 years and just now started dating, have found that it took time, I healed, know that I don't have to have someone in my life, I am good being single!!!!

I took me 5 years to meet the OW/Wife and I invited them to dinner last summer when they brought our daughter back. They were also here for grandson #2's birthday. They live over a 1,000 miles away so am not seeing them often has probably helped with that!!!

Do I like her? no. But I can tolerate her for my kids and grandkids sake!!! I just smile!!!!

Dawn

Seabird,
I don't remember reading about the hatred that you mentioned.
I think my X feels the same. He's the one who wanted out, and refuses to communicate in order to coparent.
Can you help me understand the hatred, and why it can't be put aside for the kids sake? Offline to avoid threadjacking.
My X has been in a relationship for 5 years, but the hatred is really affecting everyone.

Honestly it feels good to come here and see others going through the same thing that I am.

Maybe without intending to, you helped me in a moment of weakness on a tough day Jfaye

While I UNDERSTAND that forgiving is the morally responsible thing to do, and very, very pc, there is one staggering downside, IMO.

You can bet, as sure as death and taxes, that AS SOON as you forgive the spouse that left you, whether a cheating spouse or a walkaway spouse, and start acting nicely, in THEIR mind, this ALL MEANS that you NOW UNDERSTAND why they did what they did, you realize that is was OK to do to in order to be happy or grow, and any guilt or remorse is gone. ANd they feel better, less guilty, because deep down, 99% feel guilty whether they admit it or not. I think, and I may be wrong, that most people, especially those guilty of something as horrible as affairs or abandonment, equate their actions being forgiven to their actions being accepted. Uh-huh, sorry, nope.


Now after they took YOUR LIFE, against YOUR WISHES and TOTALLY DESTROYED IT because they were ONLY CONCERNED WITH THEIR NEEDS AND DESIRES, I don't know if I WANT them to feel that they did something "ok". I'm a big fan of keeping the biggest promise people make in their lives.

Again, I DO believe forgiveness will lessen the pain, but it really isn't something you DECIDE, its something that ......I don't know, just happens. You have to FEEL IT, not simply VERBALIZE IT.

Gagagool, maybe that's why I have trouble with the concept of forgiveness. I just don't see how forgiveness can happen without remorse. I can accept what has been done is done, learn from it and grow from it, but I can't forgive it.

And you are right - WS's, at least mine anyway, seem to desire that "forgiveness" or even just the attitude that what they did was ok. If I had a nickel for every time he said I'd "get used to them" (him and OW) and similar phrases, I'd be rich. I won't get used to them and I won't accept them. I will accept that this happened to me and move on with my own life, without him.

I don't want to threadjack here either, so I will start a new thread...