Dogo,

I'm glad you are doing the work. I know it's hard to answer your wife's questions. It feels like you have to own up to things that bring you great shame, and you don't want to tell the things you know that will bring her more pain. She wants to know because she feels like this is a part of you that she has to know - and that if she knows the whole truth she won't have images in front of her, things that aren't real that haunt her mind. She would rather just know the truth, so that she can deal with it.

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my own recovery from my husband's affair was that he was very reluctant to tell me the details of what went on. I had to question him, and almost peel it out of him.

It would have been so much easier if he would have just told me the basics on his own, so I didn't have to ask and ask and ask. I felt humiliated asking, but I wanted to know. He felt humiliated answering, and didn't want to tell me. It was a terrible position for both of us.

But the pain of the affair could have been much less on me if he would have lifted the load from me in this area.

So much less.

This part was a huge burden. I just wanted to know.

How did this start?
What did he say to her?
What did she say to him?


So many questions.

I wish he would have sat me down and told me what happened, like it was a chapter in the story of his life.

"It started when I first met her at _________." and go on from there. Just give me the story. Include his feelings.

When I needed a detail, I could ask. I mostly just wanted to listen.

But that never came from him.

Instead, it came out over a verrrryyy looonnnggg time, and only because I begged for information.

I'm glad you're answering her questions. Don't lie to her, even if you think it is to protect her feelings. You can tell her the truth, and still say things lovingly, gently. Do that.

Don't hold anything back, don't lie, don't skirt the issues. And don't fail to tell her something just because she didn't ask about that "exact" thing. That's the same thing as lying to her.

I'm glad you're here, and that you're committed to doing the hard work. And I'm glad you are seeing the issues that need to be worked on.

By the way, I acknowledge your pain. I fully and completely understand that racism is alive in our nation. I also know that it will take everyone, of all colors, standing up and shouting it down together to defeat it. That means me, and that means you.

SB

I FULLY UNDERSTAND!! In my lifetime, I've been the CLOSEST to white FRIENDS..who have been closer to me than my own blood sister... who ACKNOWLEDGE, ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND the EMOTIONAL PAIN of being a VICTIM of RACISM. Without HEARING me , INTIMACY with them would have been IMPOSSIBLE. This is an ESSENTIAL PART of the OPENNESS AND HONESTY necessary in your MARITAL RECOVERY. So, GREAT for YOU and OnlyU!!


I really doubt this, though. Since their MOTHER was experiencing EMOTIONAL PAIN, they knew it...

MY CHILDREN, certainly SENSE my EMOTIONAL PAIN..it affects them...even when we are physically apart..

Any updates, Dogo?

LA