That's not likely going to happen. True recovery requires a lot of personal introspection to determine why your W was vulnerable to an A in the first place, which requires looking that what happened in the past, what led up to the A, etc. If your W's approach is to simply "forget about the past" and "start over", I can virtually guarantee you that history will repeat itself.

Question #1:

Are you actually going to be living with your WW now, or are you still going to try this long distance recipe for divorce? Attempting this recovery would be a waste of time if you don't currently live together.

Hello,

I know it is common practice in academia for husbands and wives to live apart. Just because you see others making it work, does not mean it will work for you. How's it worked out so far? Terrible. It's not going to get better until you share a home together.

You NEED to expose to her work. She SHOULD lose her faculty position. Sleeping with an undergrad is disgusting on so many levels. It's not like it is a surprise that this is against the rules, yet for some reason professors feel it is their right to pick a little forbidden fruit from the classroom. It is an absolutely evil abuse of power, in my opinion. Expose to her chair and her dean. Her colleagues will not be as effective.

In my opinion, she has lost her right to teach for now, until she can prove she has personal boundaries in place to protect her marriage and her position. Maybe a position outside of academia is warranted for the time being.

The recovery process is not successful. She has finally asked for a divorce.

It has been a long time since I came here last time. I feel obliged to update my status to many of you who care about my situation and offered help and suggestions.

We have been trying to restore our relationship. We went to Hawaii together and had a GREAT time there. However, as soon as we don't see each other, she turns cold quickly.

There were many people telling me that it is not going work out unless we stay in a same home together. I tried to convince her to come to the city I am currently working in (I couldn't find a job in her city), but she refused because she does not see a life here. The only way she can accept is me moving to her and then try to work out our relationship. And it has to happen very soon, even if it means I giving up my current job without a new one in place. I couldn't do that because we are from a foreign country, moving without a job would mean that I have to become a dependent of her in order to stay in this country with her. I think she will soon be disappointed in me again. I suggested to move after I find a job there or some other city that we both like, but she said I am too weak to take any risk and she cannot wait. She concluded that we are people of different types.

We discussed these back and forth several times. Finally we got into an argument and she said she is done talking. She said she is tired of waiting for me for ever, tired of this "appear to be a couple but actually not" kind of marriage. She said she is not the same person as before and she does not want to get together any more. She doesn't want to talk any more and is asking me to agree to a divorce. The reason she wants a divorce, she said, "is because I am myself and you are yourself." She doesn't say whether she has prepared the legal documents or not, but I believe she will.

I think this will be the end of this "long distance recipe for divorce" as jmwc95 pointed out before. I just didn't want to believe it. I am not agreeing to her with the divorce at this point and want to take some time, but she said she see no reason to change her mind in the future.

I still cannot let her go in my mind and cannot believe she can be so cold given the recent Hawaii memory, but eventually I will have to do it and move on.


Thank you for all your help!



P.S. I decide not to tell her chair and dean about the affair she had with her student, because it will cause her to lose the job AND the status in this country, which means she will have to go back to our country if she cannot find a new position within the grace period (about 15 days I believe) or become my dependent. She will not be able to bear that.

You can bear her banging the OM, but not exposing her employer.
This is why she is leaving you. You let her walk all over you. Keep the job that will allow her to keep affair going.

He has transferred to another university far away, so keep the job will not help her to keep the affair. She only sent two short emails to him since the beginning of this year, and he responded very simply.

I may have let her walk all over me in the effort of keeping the hope of restoring the relationship, but no more. However, I don't want to turn this to revenge.

It won't be revenge. If she did it once, she may do it again. The school will view it this way. And if the parents of any of the male students find out--why, the university might lose business (and maybe even get sued)! Hence why they would fire her.

Hi, I am new to this website, and I am very sorry to read about what you have gone through. You know, as a former foreign student, I know how lonely it is to be in a new country especially if you can't speak the language well. If I were the mother of the 18 yr old Taiwanese boy, I would be furious. But I can understand you not wanting to turn in into revenge to hurt her. You are both still so young and you don't have any children. I wish you all the best in your seperate ways. She is not worth the trouble and if you were back in your homecountry surrounded by friends and family, you would probably have let it go a lot sooner!