Hooray for you! I'll email you later.

This is very encouraging!

Dogo1 created a Recovery Letter that he had ready for me to take to my IC yesterday. I wanted to share it with my IC so that I can work on not using codependent behavior with his list of things that HE needs to do. IC liked it.

Dogo1 is struggling with me telling him that I probably should have implemented Plan B earlier since it helps you keep the love and respect you have for your spouse and in our case, I truly feel that I have lost some respect and love for him after he went to her house that night. He said that he truly thought that I would ALWAYS love him. Although this is painful for him, I think it's healthy for our R and good for my R from codependency. I literally feel myself "peeling" away from that blob that was "me and him" - undefined. KWIM?

This morning he called to tell me that he was going to have to go to the medical center that's around the corner from her house (where they supposedly bumped in to each other in April and renewed contact from last year). He called on his way there from the truck and then on his way home from the truck. I was truly impressed that he actually THOUGHT about how it made me feel. He is following his R steps and that's a good sign.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Probably not the best attitude, but history has to recreate in the here and now for me to completely trust him again. That will take time.

Oh and we just learned that DD is pregnant. Another thing that IC and I are working on is my written contract with DD so that she can still be moved out of our house after she graduates school in January. Baby will be born in March, 14 months after our little GS now. Yikes!

oUc - Your husband doing the NC letter, telling you about the text mail/email contact, saving the numbers for you, etc., is HUGE. You may not really know HOW HUGE it is yet, but take it from someone who always had to "discover" contact, it IS huge toward real recovery.




Regarding the underlined part of this, there ARE consequences to all of our actions, and infidelity is, obviously, no exception.
MANY wayward spouses "think" that they CAN "have it both ways" simply because "it's what they want." But the reality is quite different from "foggy thinking."

He is most likely right in thinking that you would "always love him," but one of the problems with the English language is that the word "love" isn't descriptive enough of the various types of love. Without getting detailed, there are two primary components to "love," actions and feelings. What he is most likely talking about are the "feelings" side of love, and feelings ALWAYS follow actions, unless we might be talking about "lust." But then, "lust" isn't love, it's lust.

You DO love him or you would not be willing to forgive him and you would not be willing to attempt to recover your marriage, including the parts, such as respect, that were lost as a consequence of his actions. Trust and respect must be earned, and following infidelity, there is no other way to "regain what was lost." As with most things, though, regaining trust and respect will take time, a lot of time, and NEVER doing something that is "untrustworthy" and resets the recovering of trust and respect to "zero," requiring starting the process all over again.




A good "first step," along with telling you about her "contact," to beginning the restoration process. Continuing to build on it will eventually lead to a restoration of trust and respect for the man you are married to, THAT day, rather the one who was "wayward" in the past.

God bless.

It has put us into uncharted territory, for sure. I have been sure to tell him how much I appreciate it and how much different it feels.




You're right, I do love him or I wouldn't be willing to walk this path with him still, or again, from ground zero.

And you hit the nail right on the head, NEVER doing something that is untrustworthy and resetting us again is the key.

I'm working hard on my parts too. I know that it takes both of us to stay in Recovery.

Thank you for your feedback.

UPDATE:

We are doing well. Dogo1 says that he feels much better "this time around". That comment is a double edged sword. I'm happy that he is feeling good, but sad that all the other times had to even happen. I will continue to look on the bright side though.

He has taken a liking to Dr. Harley's concepts and we are reading, Falling In Love, Staying In Love together. Great book, has all the concepts in it.

Still not 100% trusting, that has to be earned through time and actions that prove that he will not do this again. I think in our case, it will take more than a year of not "acting out" before I can truly feel that the trust will completely be restored since our past shows that there is something at least once a year (around Spring time).

I am forgiving him more and more each day though. I really worried I was closing the door of forgiveness and resentment was lingering much longer than I wanted it to. His behavior/actions have filled my LB and boy that makes a huge difference.

When we were dating, he had my LB overflowing and that sustained us for awhile. Then when we got M, he does so many terrific things around the house, etc. that I started to fill my own LB with seeing him for better than how he was acting. That was an interesting experience, discovering that one. (Thanks LA)

So, now that I am in counseling and becoming stronger and working on the enmeshment and boundary setting, I think he feels different. I know I do.

I still have some nightmares though. I wake up and feel like if I "forget" what has happened, it might happen again. That's what it seems like has been our history. If I stop checking his cell phone records, etc.....I will be blindsided again.

I guess that will pass with time.

oUc - You WILL need to check records for some time. Part of it is a "habit" that has been developed, and part of it is the very real need to rebuild trust through finding NOTHING and beginning to realize that real change HAS been made and you can begin to trust again. Eventually, though, you will also have to choose to stop doing the checking. That can't happen until you begin to believe, partly through finding nothing and partly through Dogo's efforts to BE the husband you need, that he is "trustworthy" NOW. I know, it sucks, but it's one of the consequences of doing something that causes a loss of trust.

As you surmised, it WILL pass with time....a lot of time....and the operative phrase to remember in this respect as you "get there," is to "trust unless given a reason not to trust."

Kudos to Dogo and you for "working at it" and beginning the process!

I've been too quick to jump to the end of the process. That's what has caught me off guard. My own unwillingness to keep to a boundary that I have created. So that's what I have learned this time around.

Now when I look at all this, I wonder, why didn't I get a keylogger all this time ago? Or a GPS tracker? Or do a lie detector test?

I was deceiving myself in this process too. That's why I never exposed either. And therefore I have enable behavior that has hurt me. My results.

I will continue to check and I'm going to install the keylogger when I get paid this week, I've already changed cable so that he cannot view anything that has SC.

I think the exercise in "checking" is helping define what I consider to be inappropriate as well. With our history, belonging to even a Yahoo Answers group where they set up profiles and "add friends" is not ok with me.

So it's a learning process. Long process.....

UPDATE:

I went away to Girls Camp for a week last week. No cell phone, no contact with family, no computer. I knew that it was the right thing for me to do because I needed to clear my head of the resentment and frustration and constant thoughts of the EA's.

I only thought about FWH and the OW on 2 occasions. Mostly, it was a forced thought of, what am I missing or not thinking about while I am away? I was able to remove the thoughts quickly and spent the week working with the girls and enjoying being away from the same routine.

I am happy to report that when I returned, there was ABSOLUTELY NO sign of acting out. In fact, he had worked to stay OFF the computer, have minimal calls and texts on his phone and go very few places. We didn't talk about what I expected of him before I left, it was a silent agreement and I think he felt very proud of himself for being able to have a clean slate all week.

It was definitely a relief to me and I can report that my 1st two days back to work have been without the ugly thoughts that occur when I pass through her town on my commute.

Just wanted to report some good news!!

Yay!

The heart smiles for you!!! Like you've told me, just take one day at a time.

OUC, I saw you posted today, and I wanted to ask you for another update. How's the recovery going? Personal and marital?

Hey, thanks for asking.


Dealing with addiction is very frustrating. I just posted on another thread about how there are secondary addictions. My WH secondary addiction is spending money. And with all of his "issues", honesty has always been a problem. So he spent money that we needed for bills on new tires without using POJA with me and then didn't tell me until I asked where the money was.

Ugh!

My IC told me last night that I need to make a decision because I am fence sitting. And my co-dependency has kept us in this M. It kind of made me sad because I realize that it is true and that I have been settling for something that is truly not what I want. He wrote a beautiful Recovery Letter last month for me to show my IC. But it feels like it was just that, a show.... I asked him to refer back to it last night because he is not doing those things. He falls right back to his comfort zone. Story of our life.

Then I ALLOW it to be brushed under the carpet and live the life that he wants to live, in denial. Then I convince myself that all is well and everything seems to be going fine because we aren't having any R talk and that makes him happy and then BOOM! He acts out again and we have another OW (or a repeat OW) and we start the unhealthy abuse cycle again.

How's that for an answer?



That icon probably visually describes how I feel right now. Not a new emotion, repeat from all the times before.

I cried myself to sleep last night because I'm sad, I feel alone and I know that I need to take action.

Of course today he is "connected" again because he senses that something is wrong. I'm not 16 anymore, I don't want to have a BF that wants to do what he can to keep me when he thinks I am breaking up with him.

Ugh!!!

P.S. He stated that he felt like he was doing "so good" and really trying hard. I believe that comes from the week I was at camp and he did not act out. So subconsciously I think he felt he was entitled to spend the money. It's a weird way of thinking, but until he gets into some intense therapy, he won't ever get it. And I'm not an expert, just speculating.

What kind of action are you thinking about? Are you in a personal recovery program? For example, Alanon asks you to not make any big moves the first 6 months, because you may be at a different place in 6 months, with boundaries and loving detachment, where you may want to stay anyhow. Or if you still want out, then you can handle that with grace in a way that makes sense for you, from a position of strength, head high knowing you did all you could, instead of frustration. What do you think?

I agree. My IC is working with me on my Codependency and on Boundaries. It makes sense to keep working with him. He just this week told me to be thinking about what I want the decision to be. I found a CoDA group in my town, but it's Sat. morning and that was not working out so I'm going to look for one in the town I work in and go on a lunch break or after work. I am very interested in doing a 12 step program with a group. I'm following the 12 steps in a book that my church has that refers to scripture as well. Taking my time to absorb the first few steps so I don't rush through it.

He wants to stay, he loves me, he says I'm what he wants and we can make this work. My issue is that words mean nothing to me. History has proven that they do not bring the corresponding action to fruition. Where are the consistent actions?

My LB is empty often and my EN haven't been met along the way. I've filled my own LB with thoughts of the good in him and seeing the great things that he does around the house and for me.

My EN are:
1) O&H (we know Dishonesty has been his #1 MAJOR LB to me)
2) Affection (he is not a touch oriented person, he kisses me on occasion and rarely sits and holds me - when we dated, he was the best at this, little words of love, poems, texts, emails, etc.)
3) SF (it's getting to the point where it is once a week, sometimes a week and a half. I do most of the initiating, makes me a bit resentful)
4) FC (different than DS which he is excellent at, I wish that he was more invested in my children, but they aren't his biological children and I'm a mother, I know I can't expect him to act the same as I would. I wish that he would take more of a spiritual lead in the family.)
5) FS (this has just recently moved to my top 5. I've asked that we begin a plan to change roles where I can be the DS and he can be the FS. He has an interest in finishing his degree and we've discussed making this drastic transition in 4 years. I want to be the SAHM or work because I want to and not because I have to.)

You can read by my posts how I take the all too optimistic approach and things are going to be "ok" because I'm going to make myself ok. I really believe it's part of the Codependency. Willing the rest of the world to be "ok" because that's what I want. LOL!

:RollieEyes:

Thanks for reading my vent!

So I decided to get myself out of my own funk!

On the way home (I commute in traffic - 2 hours), I text him if he wanted to meet me halfway. There's a really nice restaurant, shopping area there. He asked..."are you being nice?" So I knew this was a good idea because my "mood" had taken a toll on both of us.

I told him to bring a blanket because I knew there was a really nice park in the area and the weather is good so I thought it would be fun to re-enact one of my old time high school favorite things to do - "a make out session". LOL!

He of course obliged and met me there. Told me that even if he had been the foolish one all this time, he still only wanted to be with me. I had enough time to stop at the gas station and change into a new outfit that I had bought that week and was still in my car. Some of his favorite colors. And I refreshed my make up and hair and brushed my teeth. (had a toothbrush and toothpaste in the car as well, hee hee)

We went to a nice dinner and just talked about some of the things that had gone on this week with the grandbaby (he's growing like a weed) and a few things about DD. DH wanted to talk about them so I let him lead the conversations, I didn't want to have any R talks...just enjoy ourselves.

When we finished dinner, we went to the large park. The night was so nice, we took our blanket and we walked around the park. It's a super nice park in a great part of town. They had this makeshift theater going for a kids movie in one part of the park, it was cool. We walked to the most secluded area we could find and layed the blanket out and watched as the stars came out.

Before we even started kissing, DH clued me in on his thoughts for when it got darker. We had some great kisses and caresses and just enjoyed the weather and each other. I let him do most of the talking because his #1 EN is Communication and he had some things to tell me about his doctor visit and the outcome of his WC claim. It's looking very favorable for him, he has neck, back and knee issues that will finally get resolved and he will probably be on disability long enough to get back in school and finish his degree and be able to change vocations so that he won't reinjure himself.

We both wondered why we don't do this more often - so I challenged him to find the next place. He already had one in mind that we can take the truck to and put the air mattress in the bed of the truck and enjoy the outdoors again.

I slept like a baby and it was the best thing that I could've done - for both of us. I think our 15 hours of time had become routine and mundane and probably even less than the needed number of hours. We go to dinner all the time on Fridays, but we usually eat too much and go straight home to the same routine, TV and bedtime.

I got lots of Affection last night and my LB is not empty today.

One day at a time!

My FWH is going to see his parents for 2 weeks. I'm very happy that he is taking this trip as he has not spent any time with them since they moved 2 years ago. He talks to them regularly and we both have video phones so we get to see them on occasion when we call on those phones, but he has not spent quality time with them and he really misses them. They are getting on in years and his father had a stroke a few months after they had moved to Mississippi so he hasn't been in the same health. His sister and her family live there as well and he will get to spend time with them (2 nieces and her husband) too as well as a cousin he hasn't seen in years.

I've been working on a mental list of all the things that I can do to keep busy and not dwell on anything negative. My "only" fear of him being there would be Internet acting out. I don't believe that he will do it because he has come a long way and does not use our computer in that way anymore (e.g. meeting OW or porn). But it does have some bad residual old memories for me.

I plan to do some positive things during that 2 weeks. One of them is to actually start going to the gym again. With the Fibromyalgia, I can still do Yoga, Swimming and Walking. I've signed up to bring the baby (GS) on our family plan to the daycare so since I will have him alone Mon - Thurs night, I'm going to get in a routine and take him there for an hour or so and take a class and do one of those things each night. I'm also going to go back to doing Southbeach Phase 1. I lost weight on that when FWH and I did it several months ago before I found out about the new OW. And I'm going to update my highlights and nails and pedicure, all things I delay so that I can get home and help him with the baby and spend time with him after work. He actually encourages me to do all this stuff, it's my own mental block that gets in the way. And he's great with the baby, so my help is more like playing with the baby for a few hours so he gets a break before I go to bed. I know, I'm spoiled.

Anyway, it'll be good to have another good experience under our belt, like when I went away to camp and he took extreme precautions to make sure I had nothing to fret about when I returned regarding his Infidelity.

We're still having our Friday date night this week! He'll leave Saturday morning.

I hope you come to the conclusion, very soon, that you cannot trust anything your husband says. He charms you and lies to you repeatedly. You can pretnd he has some kind of addiction but really he is a master manipulator to get out of work and take your money and spend it.

You work each and every day like a slave, a two hour commute, even with Fibro, so that he has money to laze around, pay for his classes, and continue his porn/affairs/womanizing.

All he has to do so that you will not get angry about this or stop that money coming his way is to charm you for a night with some touching or kind words. He knows what works for you.

How can you continue this way??? You deserve an honest man who really loves you. Not this USER.

DATE NIGHT...where you pay for the dates! Right?

He is getting his disability payments now. He has always given me his paycheck 100% deposited to my account when it was direct deposit. It was the unexpected checks or the disability that didn't get direct deposited that he would keep and lie about. Yes, HUGE problem when I'm trying to pay all the bills and make ends meet.

I've raised my expectations, being specific about my EN now. Also, seeking counseling myself so that I can keep my line in the sand drawn. You are right, he has taken great advantage of me and it is a sick thing.

Part of the schooling is to meet my EN for FS. I'm tired of being the one to provide for him. The tables need to turn and I've given him a deadline. And with that "switch", I hope to be the one to take on the DS more predominantly since that is the area that he excels in. He does all the cleaning and all the cooking and running the kids around and taking care of our grandson.

It's not the healthiest situation for us. For years, I convinced myself it was because FS was what I was good at and DS was what I was good at. However, I realize that I was also a compulsive giver and that is not healthy. It may not seem like it, but I really am letting my taker out and setting boundaries and having higher expectations.

Should he be unfaithful again, I have done some personal recovery where I feel that I am truly strong enough to kick him out immediately!