I am hoping that this thread can become a place that you all share some of your best advice for healing from resentment. Anyone know of any excellent internet resources?

My wife and I have some issues that I cannot get beyond. She did somethings about 7 years ago that I want to get past but do not know how to.

It is not simply a matter of forgiving her. What she did revealed things about her and her past that I cannot change - but I do not want! I am not looking for specific info about our situation per se - just information about healing from the hurt, dealing with resentment.

Thanks

For me personally, working my 4th step did tremendous work towards that.

When I am resentful of someone, I am learning to look at my behavior and find out what is really going on.

Then once I work through my behavior or issues I am better able to accept the situation and put the resentment in a healthy place. Simply there are things that you just have a reasonable right to be resentful of and you get to a place of forgivness.

Don't know if that makes much sense.

Healing - how do you find it. By creating and sustaining your relationship with G-d. He will heal you as will that stupid word - time. Time just takes time.

Thank you. Can you tell me how your behavior is related to what they did? I do not understand that.

Well, if you weren't married at the time, you have to accept her the way she is.

Unless it was a sex change, then we might have a problem.



Were you married at the time?

If not, you gotta drop it.

NO - dropping it is just the kind of advice that does not help. As they say, there is a simple answer for every complex problem - and it is usually wrong.

I was lied to about some things from the past - that I do not have to just drop. I was later in life put in a situation where everyone in the group knew the past but me - and made a fool in my opinion.

So, I am looking for how others have learned to deal with things your spouse has done and how you got past it. But just dropping it won't work for me.

Thanks

I was 50% of the disintegration of our M. I own that part and am still in the process of accepting that the consequences of my not being a good "enough" wife might have cost me my M.

But that's in MY case. There are so many others on here who don't have that same walk. They were good wives and husbands and what was done to them was absolutely horrible.

Is my pain any less, absolutely not. Do I deserve a second chance, I believe so. I'm just looking at it, from learning that I can't control what they do or don't do. I can only control me and my reaction.

Living in the resentment of their horrendous behavior hurts me in the long run more than what was done to me. Resentment is black and ugly inside. I am choosing to trust G-d and walk in FAITH and through this awful time, I will learn to just love my WH for a hurt child of G-d and allow the light of love from G-d to bless me, help me move and and allow what ever is going to happen to happen and believe without a shadow of a doubt it will be better than I could ever imagine.

Is it what I want, not today, but I haven't experienced the blessing yet, so I get to still trust in G-d.

I can only speak of this in what I would do as I haven't had the chance to ask WH anything about the A.

My response would be, you need to learn to set up boundaries, apply the MB principles and seek G-d in guidance on how to get through each piece of what they did.

Maybe I am just wishing for the rosey colored glasses because I haven't had the chance to work through anything yet.

I find writing out what I'm feeling usually helps me deal with the feelings at the time. Negative thoughts can cloud the mind. Writing for me leads to clarity. I don't think about what to write - I just write and afterwards I'm able to see things more clearly and I feel better. Even when I'm mad - writing out all the feelings helps purge me of the negativity. Feelings of negativity will bond you to the negative experience. The choice is yours of what you want to be bonded to, if this makes sense - hopefully it does!

I would also like to know how to overcome resentment. I just completed "Surviving An Affair", and when I got to the chapter on resentment I was hoping for a little more help on the subjuect than what the book actually offered. The book was very helpful in some aspects, but was lacking in the issue of helping get over resentment, IMO. How do you get over the resentment you harbor over your WS because of all the lies, manipulation, torture, head games, abusiveness, etc?...(could go on for days with these descriptions.

Writing is a great answer.... It truly helps the soul and clarity.

Maybe I am too simplistic in this. For me, buying into the fact that what WH is doing is an addiction helps with the resentment. I am an addict/alcoholic so I am better able to understand how sick the behavior is of what they are doing. I am able to understand the selfish, self centered behavior that goes along with the personality of the WH and understand they can't stop what they are doing. That FIX is all they care about.

Once you truly grasp this and understand how sick and demented they are, it helps because you realize they aren't themselves anymore.

This isn't easy at all, and each one of us has to make that choice of how to deal with the resentments. What works for one, isn't going to work for the other. I just would ask you to understand that the while absolutely justified and more, the resentments hurt you in the end more than the WW. JMHO

Thanks to all for your advice and ideas this far. I know that negativity and resentement will consume the one that holds it. But, try as I have - I cannot shake it. So, I value your thoughts and ideas.

Introvert - I feel for you! That's heavy duty. Hang in there, maybe some help will come through this discussion!!

So, are you praying about it. Asking G-d for just the willingness to have the resentment removed?

If you are interested, and can get a copy of Alcoholics Anon. There is a part, I can get the page for you where every night you pray for that person and ask G-d to give them what they need.

Within two weeks alot of my resentments were lifted.

Just another suggestion - for what it's worth.

I believe I am willing to have it lifted.... But I will start asking God to do that. thanks

like all hard journeys, it takes time... two weeks of daily praying for the willingness, gave me the willingness and then the resentment eventually lifted.

G-d, he is your answer for EVERYTHING. We just have to seek HIM. As my good friend JT says, call to G-d and say HERE I AM....

SWN:

I just read some of your other postings.

It seems that your W had SF with several men before you married, and with one of them, she became pregnant, and had an abortion. And it seems that the two of you attended a function together that this prior partner of hers was at as well, you were introduced, but she never told you what the whole story was, either at the time, 7 years ago, or until just recently.

With that background, and had you known it prior to marriage, would you have:

1. Married Her?
2. Asked for more info?
3. Delayed the wedding while you worked thru the issues?
4. Had an opportunity to a address the resentment earlier?

The book His Needs, Her Needs has a "Sexual History Questionaire" that you BOTH should be filling out. In it, you BOTH disclose, by answering the pointed questions, and reveal what has happened in your past before you got married. It would be great to do THIS before you got married, but thats even MORE water under that bridge.

After DDay, and my affair was revealed and blown away, we attended the MB weekend, and we completed the SHQ. We learned ALOT about each other and what had happened in the ten years before we met. Some was distrubing to each of us. But that place of honesty made our relationship stronger.

And resentment? It just knaws and knaws. Until you really decide to do something about it. No, you can't change the past. You can change the future. The fact that she had an abortion, and how THAT may never square with your religious beliefs, may make this a M that CAN'T be saved.

You feel trapped into a M you would have never entered had this information been revealed to you before the wedding. Now your religious beliefs (assumption here...) will not allow you to divorce. I can't help you with that religious dilemma. Others here can talk to you about that. But that is one heck of a box to be put into, and therefore, your building resentment.

Don't be afaid of stating your truths here. This is a message board, and you CAN remain anonyomus. However to really address your resentment, you need to reveal more of its direct causes.

LG

sowhatnow,

While lousy golfer's summary of your sitch certainly sheds a lot of light on things, I find your "bottom line" very interesting as well. LG's summary suggests the bottom line here is that your wife did something that went against your moral code. However, according to you, the bottom line is:


So it would seem that the source of your resentment, more than anything else, is your own feelings of embarrassment. And if that's the source of your resentment, then that's what you should be working on. And to do that, I think you should consider working with a counselor (including a spiritual counselor, if that would make you more comfortable). A counselor can help you do a number of things, including help you learn to not own stuff that isn't yours (namely, your wife's past). A counselor can also coach you in certain behavioral techniques that will simply keep you from having the same ugly thoughts over and over.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure life at your house hasn't been much fun these days -- for either you or your wife. I sincerely hope you can get past this and build a Happy Ever After for the two of you.

I understand completely how saynomore feels, and the source of his resentment has nothing to do with "embarrassment." The source is DISHONESTY and BETRAYAL. Sexual history is something a spouse has a right to know about his spouse. In his case, everyone EXCEPT him was privy to this information, leaving him out in the dark. The secret created a wedge between them and was an act of betrayal.

Additionally, as lg suggested, this information that was withheld from him might have constituted a DEAL BREAKER in choosing her as a marriage partner. Of course, he KNEW she was withholding certain things and went along with it, so he is repsonsible also.

snm, in my marriage, my H lied and withheld many pertinent details about himself leading me to feel like I was DEFRAUDED and TRICKED into marrying someone I did know. Past behavior defines a person and as such, should always go into the decision making when making a choice to marry. It was a bad idea to ever agree to get married without knowing everything.

snm, the way to recover from the betrayal is for her to practice complete honesty. Historical honesty, current honesty, etc. That is how I overcame my resentment. When there were NO SECRETS between us anymore, I grew to trust him.

Sorry if this seems like a T/J, though I think it applies to this sitch anyway,,,,


Intro,

Dr. H does explain what to do with the resentment in SAA and on here very well. The problem you seem (and others may) to be having is that you don't like what he suggests.

And that is TO PUT IT ON HOLD......

and you know the reason why. Because the past cannot be changed, undone, or erased. Sucks, I know. I struggle as well (don't believe me....I was up from 3 am till 8am mostly due to resentment....). But what Dr. H suggests is where many other MC fail. If you dwell on the resentment, it will consume you. It will eat you and you WILL take it out on your WS.

To get past this thinking, you must dwell on today. What is your WS doing today??? For you, for your marriage, for the future???
If they doing everything they can to deposit in your LB, then not much more can be done.

Think of it this way,....what can they possibly do to "make up" for what they have done??? Nothing. Thats where we offer our forgiveness....

And even if there was something they could do, that feeling would only last until the next time they upset you......

The resentment and forgiveness issue is your and your alone....

So when those thoughts or feelings come along you need to.....

1...Pray.

2. Focus on what your WS is doing today. Pick out a good thing they have done. Something specific so you can focus on that....

3. Write in a journal if necessary. This helps me, doesn't work for everyone though...

and last but not least......

4. Do something for your WS. Think I'm joking??? It does work. Think of it as when Jesus was washing the disciples feet at "The Last Supper". He knew EACH AND EVERYONE of them were going to betray them, but he served them anyway. Display your love......


All this comes on a night when I could not sleep. I was up all night, harboring resentment and pain like you wouldn't believe. I even went outside and cried like I haven't in awhile. I honestly was thinking there was no way we would survive or get past this. Then I remembered what happened Sat. night (you'll have to look at my thread for that story...). That helped me remember that my WS is here working on our M and doing all he can to restore our love. And then I washed his T-shirts for him.....


not2fun

ps.....hey we were never told that this would be easy, only worth it...

Mel,

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this......

not2fun

You too, huh?
I'm sorry N2F...