we were crazy kids, next thing you know we were married with kid.(1) we have been married for 5 yrs, known each other for 11

i went to work, she stayed home. i was a jerk about money and whos the boss. things got physical, alot because of her attitude, but im not excusing what i have done, i just wasnt nice to her.

in my mind i was trying to right by my family with money and "the right thing to do" but it didnt work out right

she was hating me the whole time, even when she said she loved me. she felt unappreciated, ugly, and treated mean.

i know it doesnt sound true but i love her.

after she called the cops on me and we were in and out of court, she dropped the charges, i found out she was sending dirty emails to some guy and also calling some guy at her job.

she says the work thing was just work related
she says the email thing was no big deal.

she wont talk about it
she doesnt want to go to couseling, she says i should go and work on myself, that she doesnt get anything out of it, that she shouldnt have to hear the counselor tell me about myself.

since then i have been sick thinking how could she have done this, why, what happened. at the same time trying to make things right with her. cant sleep, eat, feel, or think right.

she says she cant do it anymore, that i make her ask permission to leave me, i should find someone else.
then after i talk with her, she says she hates that she has become my job, analyzing her, ect...controlling her...
she doesnt have choices, or will

everyday for months, she calls lawyers, spends hours in the mirror, ignores me, if i say i think she she is pretty, she says thanks, never once saying i thing your cute, or saying sorry at all for anything.

now she says that she doesnt want to talk during the day anymore, she wants to get her own cell phone and lock me out of any way to find out her phone calls. she says its for the good of our marriage, since i analyze her.

she basically yells and me and talks to me like [censored], i dont know why i dont just leave (except for my kid, and that i cry all the time, because i still have feelings for her)

she also says im depressed and stop crying, she even accuses me of thinking and starts a big fight over it.

she said i am one way, all i think about is sex, and i use her.

can anyone help me.

mill26, I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. You said multiple times that your wife is upset with what she feels is you analyzing and controlling her. What are you doing to get yourself under control? I notice that most of your post was statements about what your wife is doing ... "she says x," "she does y," which seems to justify her issue with you. Can you talk about what you do and what you say?

Have you read the information on this website about Love Busters and Emotional Needs?

Can you supply some details so we can get a better picture? Too vague right now.

well for the longest time i have been a real jerk when i left and when i came home

i never realized that she could actually be approachable by someone else and go for it.

once i found the emails and phone calls i pested her about them
and called the numbers and emailed people to find some answers

when i did all this two things happened
1. she told me more of her feelings, but denied everything as much as she could, except when she knew i knew something, then she would try to tell me a little, and threaten me to stop digging.
2. she would throw super fits and make appts with lawyers and transfer $ from credit to bank for retainer, she would not cry or anything, just act like its over, its over

any time that i threw my hands up and had enough she would come to me and try to get me to be ok, never really apoligizing, just justifying herself and making it seem that if i would just be ok, everything would be ok.

i am very hurt, not so much by the thought of her doing an act, but by the fact that she is approachable, and will go for things behind my back.

everytime i look at her now, i see a deep madness in her face, not love.

she doesnt want to have sex, she doesnt want to talk during the day, and she doesnt want me to bring up anything, or have access to any records that would show her activitys.

i dont know if i should just leave her or if im the big jerk and all that happened was her looking for something and not really doing anything like i think.

i go to counseling for anger management once every 3 weeks because of money reasons.

i follow his advice about treating her right. but it seems that the counseling is another weapon of hers to hurt me with and doesnt solve the cheating thing just the fact that i was mean before. it seems like punishment to have to go.

i would much rather go to marriage counseling and talk about us
on an even platform with someone who can get her to open up and fell better.

i always tell her that if she would be nice to me i would be nice to her. i try to get her to start fresh with no hard feelings but she doesnt believe my words or sorrys anymore.

Have you read the concepts here? Find the stuff on Love Busting. Read it, learn it, love it, do it. You will find an amazing change in y'all's relationship once you stop all Love Busting. Once that is done (a month or two), read up on Emotional Needs. Find out what you SHOULD be doing to make her happy. Start doing them.

She's in defense mode right now because you aren't filling her needs and are likely doing damage. Nothing will get better til you change that. Then, she will likely start responding, and giving back to you.

Unless she's having an affair.

when i went to work, i thought everything was ok. turns out she met some guy at shoprite, he said she was the prettiest thing he saw all day. she said she was married, he said can we still be friends, she gave her email. they were emailing each other in the morning after i went to work. the emails started out normal, ended up being sexual, she was telling him that she wanted him to rape her and ram her hard, i dont know what else, i wish i found out earlier on. i dont know if they ever met anywhere and did anything. but i know she used to go food shopping by herself, and thats where they met.

also her phones bills showed her calling two people, 1 i know works where she does, the other she says worked there, but i called the receptionist and asked for him and she said he doesnt, i suspect that it was her old boyfriend before we met, he is a cop, and she filed charges on me in that area, the calls seem to have started at that time, but her story is that he worked with her at her last job where she stopped working because of the baby. she says he is 50 something, and ewww. but she admits calling him at night when i would leave because we were argueing, she said she needed someone to talk to. the other calls she says were work related because she started a new job and all, both men were her supervisors.

there were text messages also, but i couldnt find out the content. she says they were just jokes and all.

what really bothers me is 99% of calls and text were all from her, not many were from those guys, which makes me feel she was pursueing the whole thing. not that someone found her pretty and it felt good, and since i was mean, and all like she says...

can someone please offer some light on this im going crazy.

Why wont you try a different path? I hope i wont sound too weird but why not moving on her side - try to understand her, try to give her the feeling that she is right and you just want the best for her. If you love her then you should fight for it.

Just my $0.02

well we have been back together for about 1 month
i have tried to keep to myself, and not chase her when she has a bug up her !!!. we will go to counseling in sept.

she has become a different person, says she needs breathing room.

what are some things i can do, to make us closer together.

i realize that she cheated in some form, dont know if i caught it in time, or she did do something. i guess ill never know. she says she didnt do anything. but she lied so much, how am i to believe her, i have new worries now, that i never had, alot of distrust for her now. i wonder if i can ever trust her again.

i think something is there, if she would get the stick out of her [censored]. she says its me though.

what are some things i can do, to make her respond back to me, like she used to. seems she thinks she was nice, i was mean, i blew it, she cheated, i found out, she blew up, we split, were back, i have been punished, when will it stop, when will she give in and be back to normal.

i am 99% out the door at this point!!!!!!!
but im still emotionally weak, and attracted to her
dont know what to do?

You can't make her do anything. You can only make yourself do things that are for the benefit of both of you.