Calling out to those who are in Recovery or Recovered!

I am wondering how much each of you exposed the "A", to whom, and do you think it's helped or hurt recovery efforts.

In our sitch, the only people who know what REALLY happened are FWW & RB, Me, WBF (not all details), and one of my cousins who I'm very close with.

I have chosen throughout this ordeal not to tell family / friends in an effort to protect darling 3 yo son from what his mother did. My belief is/was that I'd rather he never find this out.

Not having a broken home was one of the most important things ILMH and I based our whole relationship, marriage and decision to have kids on. Now she has broken it and I think I want to keep this dirty secret just that, a secret. Is this wrong?

I hear others on here state how much having friends, family neighbors etc, as support is helping. I'm wondering if my choice to go it alone (I know, I've got y'all) is making this more difficult if not impossible.

ILMH says she doesn't think it would help anything at this point to reveal the true nature of her adultery to her mom, or others in the family. She may be right, but part of me knows this obviously is to her benefit. Does it benefit anyone else? I know it could come back to our son, so from that perspective I agree with her. But another part of me thinks that it might relieve some of the pressure I feel, and that she chose to break our sacred bond and should be willing to deal with the consequesces.

I guess I just don't know what to think.

Her FOO was wrought with infidelity. Her Mom left her dad supposedly for adultery, her mom is in an affairage herself, they would probably not provide much support. ILMH never wanted to be what her mother was which makes this so difficult to fathom.

My family though very different is not much more reliable as far as support goes, so I'm not sure if it wouldn't just make things worse to reveal...

There is another thread going right now that kind of struck a chord with me, where the discusion is about whether or not specific information if known prior would have been a deal breaker when considering whether or not to marry.

For me, the decision to commit adultery is a deal breaker as far as staying married, but I don't feel like that is an option for me because of our innocent son whose life would also be rocked. As I have said, my decision to attempt recovery is based on him.

My decision whether to stay or not I believe is based on ILMH's "attitude and effort" as Resonance put it, how well we can get through this turmoil, and how our "new" life together progresses. I feel like we have a LOT of work to do.

Back to my original point, do you think additional exposure would help or hinder that process?

Thanks for reading,
TTH

I can see absolutely no benefit to further expose as long as her OM's spouse has been informed and all contact has been ended with the OM. The point of exposure is to kill the affair and prevent resumptions; if that has been achieved, there is no reason to continue exposures.

Ok.....

What are your reasons for "why" you want to expose now???

Because you want some extra accountablility for ILMH???

or

Because you want others to know what she has done (a punishment, if you will)???

or

Because YOU want others to know YOU are the good guy in your M and not ILMH???

What is the reasoning behind this??????

That, my friend, seems to be the $1,000,000.00 question....


not2fun

ps..

Unless you are looking for accountablity for ILMH I don't see the reason for more exposure. But the VETS might have a better view of thiw....

That's not what I'm looking for.

What I would like are some insights around how much people in recovery exposed and how much they think it helped. ILMH and I have discussed this and we're curious.

I'm not looking for a reason to do it. I'm wondering IF people did it and what effect it had on their recovery.

Sorry. I tend to blather on and on and probably don't end up asking my question concisely.

Just looking for other folks experience with this.

For example, does anyone who's child doesn't know (they were too young, etc) plan to tell them at some point? What types of things have resulted good and bad?

Does this clear it up?

Respectfully, N2F, you're way off here.

I am trying to recover my marriage. I feel a solemn obligation still to ILMH to help her get better too. We BOTH need to recover our individual things.

I was simply trying to gain some perspective.

Jeez...

Thanks for chiming in Mel.

In your sitch, how many people in your families' knew? Friends? Did it help or not?

Care to elaborate a bit.

I agree completely with your point about exposure, maybe we'll actually get that letter written to OMW so SHE can finally know the reality of her world.

As for us, I'm just wondering IF there could be benefit to revealing the truth (say to her Mother eg).

Hey TTH

I exposed to OM GF verbally and again with written proof of the affair.

That helped kill the affair from HIS end.

I exposed to Squid's respected elder sister and she applied pressure from THIS end.

I told our best friends and they were absolutely useless, not wanting to take sides and weeping at the drop of a hat with the sadness of it all.

I exposed to one of Squids best friends and she instantly made it the gossip du jour of all the hags in their foul coven, offering Squid cosmo advice like " follow your heart" and "live for romance".

Now I also told my brother who was a rock for me. Also the soul of discretion.

I guess that supports Melody Lane, expose tactically to end an affair, but also do not expose to get support from people you hope care about you. Most people are sh1t.

You're better off here, honestly, and of you can target a single trusted advisor in real life to vent to.

I agree with Mel...There is no reason to expose after the fact Try...The purpose of exposure is to end the affair and to make sure that the other betrayed spouse has all the facts...

I don't really understand why you are even asking this question...I'm gonna be real blunt with you, so hang on to your hat: In almost every post of yours lately I hear undertones of "I WANT A POUND OF FLESH!" And okay, I get that you are hurt and angry...I get that you have a right to be hurt and angry...absolutely...no question about it...

I heard your answer about just wanting to know what others have done...but is that REALLY what is going on? Why, if you aren't considering this "exposure after the fact" would it matter to you? Why examine EVERY aspect of parts of infidelity that don't even apply to your situation?

If the stated goal is indeed recovery, how on earth are you going to get there if you continue "wound picking"? I don't get that...

And about this:


Okay, if that is the truth, I guess it is...It breaks my heart to hear though...I think the GREATEST gift that you could ever give your child is to love his mother, obviously, the greatest gift that ILMH could ever give him is to love his father...Wholly, completely and truly...Building a truly intimate marriage...a relationship of extraordinary care...Not just saying, "Well, I'm staying married to you just so our son doesn't come from a broken home." That is not the same...Do you see that? Do you think perhaps your perspective could change here...EVER?

Hearing that from Mr. W would have KILLED me...I would have lived with it, but I can't say that our recovery would have gone as smoothly...

Try, recovery going smoothly benefits ALL of you...I get this sense from your posts that you want to "punish" ILMH, but do you realize that you also punish yourself and your son when you do this? That building each of your lovebanks is the goal here...Creating "ROMANTIC LOVE" is the purpose of Marriage Builders...Is that what you want Try?

If so, what is your plan?

Mrs. W

TTH,

Mrs. W said it better than I did. That is why I asked those questions. I too couldn't understand why you were even asking the question in the first place.

In fact, you stated yourself that you don't see how telling ILMH parents would help you two......


I too want you two to succeed.....I root you all on...I cheer from the sidelines....but sometimes I just don't get where you are coming from.....

not2fun

For edification,

The title of my thread asks if it can HELP recovery.

There would be no benefit to any exposure outside of telling the OMW, IMO.

I did tell my mother and sister when I found out for reasons of support. But that was the only reason. Kids are told when the affair is having an effect on their lives; i can think of no other reason to tell a kid. A 3 yr old would not even comprehend.

TTH,

My dad had an ONS early on in their m. My sis and I were told about it 19yrs later, because my mom had had multiple A's, one of which we knew about and had taken part of (unknowingly...we were kids...), and counselors at the time though it was "important" for us to know. Plus, my dad wanted to know that we knew the truth about him, since we knew about mom.

Long story short, My sis and I wish we didn't know about dad's. Why?? Not because we think differently about him, but we don't see really any bearing it had on our lives other than to create conflict for us when we were told.....

So, there is my 2 cents on your question. Put it in Marks cup....


I see no reason to tell the kids, unless it is during the A or if they were to find out later on......

and honestly, I haven't seen you state who you would expose to right now that would be of any help.....

not2fun

Sorry for that. I feel like I'm operating at about 3% of my mental capacity these days.

Sometimes I think that's where communication issues come up. I'm simply having trouble completing sentences or even making sense. I'm not really remembering details of conversations and I'm sure I'm babbling incoherently most of the time... But I mean well.

Thanks all for your patience and understanding.

I'm really just looking for anything that can HELP our recovery.

Thank you Bob. That's exactly what I'm looking for. Real life examples, and how it did or didn't help.

Just trying to collect some data.

MrsW,

I hope you know how much I value your opinion and all of the support you have given us. I probably shouldn't be posting right now because I'm not saying what I want to the way I want.

As for ILMH and I, we ARE trying to recover. We DO share the same goal of a better stronger more loving marriage. And we are doing so somewhat transparently here.

I've noticed in my time here that most folks who hit recovery tend to vanish off the boards for some time, often only checking back in occasionally. Maybe I should do the same.

I have come to trust the ability to ask a question, seek solace or sometimes just vent here. I sense that my doing so is becoming counterproductive. That's NOT what I want. I do want to recover.

I don't have a support system other than my "posting friends". I struggle with a lot of thoughts and yes, they are unpleasant and sometimes angry. I don't know what else to do. Keeping it all inside is killing me, and when I try to get something out it blows up in my face. I'm not sure what option #3 is...


I am NOT looking for a pound of flesh. What I wanted to know quite simply was how much people confided in close friends or family members and if they think it helped. HELPED. I'm looking for ways to IMPROVE our situation.


OKAY, apparently I failed miserably at making my point. What I tried to say is that I want my marriage to be better than it ever was. You either completely misinterperated my perspective, or I just didn't make myself clear. I was trying to draw a comparison between what I felt emotionally immediately on my latest D-day, to what I want my marriage to become. I guess you don't yet fully understand my commitment to my son's well being and how important a healthy loving supportive marriage is to that.


I absolutely do NOT want to "punish" ILMH. I have never done anything in over 10 years together to intentionally hurt her. I guess that's part of why I shouldn't post here for a while. I'm just not sure what to do with the "valid" negative, resentful and angry feelings I need to process.

Of course I understand what the goal is. It's why I'm here. It's why we're going broke counseling with Steve H. It's why I'm trying to lean again on you all for help processing my [censored].

Steve himself counseled that trying to fill the love bank prior to cleaning out the wound would be harmful. I'm trying to clean my wound. That's all. I'm trying my damndest to do this the right way.

If all I'm doing is hurting my own cause(WHICH IS TO RESTORE ROMANTIC LOVE AND SAVE OUR MARRIAGE), maybe I should stay away for a while.

I love ILMH dearly. More than anyone ever loved anything. That is why I'm trying to get some help.

I can't seem to post without my intent being missed or miconstrued. Maybe part of what comes out is the hurt.

Why is hurt expressed from a BS actively dealing with adultery met with such sympathy, while the same hurt expressed by a BS who has the sack to attempt recovery rather than toss it all away, met with such disdain?

Ps - Baby if you're reading this, please know that I mean you no harm. You know how much I love you and our son. You know how hard I'm trying and how much I want us to be better. ILY

TTH,

ok, I just re-read your post. I think I misunderstood you. I originally thought you were asking "Did you expose AFTER you were in Recovery??"

Does that make sense??

I NOW understand you to ask "How many people did you expose to during Plan A and did those who you exposed to help while recovering?"

I think we all got confused when you started talking about telling ILMH mother, whom we understand, does not currently know....

is this right???

not2fun

ILY2. Don't get discouraged.

I understand why that is your perception. Perhaps it is because in recovery, you've won the war but still fight some battles whereas a BS with a WS still in adultery is a raging war?

I think that you both need to lay down your swords and work together.

Regarding exposure: I agree with Mel and everyone else.

In our case, I exposed instinctively on d-day - my father, pastor, some of her friends.

SInce then, I have actively worked to keep what happened from other relatives and friends. It serves no purpose in recovery - it is just a punishment IMO and would be counter-productive.

I will protect my wife at ALL costs.

n2f, I think what I'm asking is more general than that. I think some folks are getting hung up on the semantics of "expose". Lets call it confide. As in who did you confide in and did it help or hurt.

Lets face it, some Plan A to end an affair, some find out years after it's over. For the sake of my question I think it's irrelevent whether it took place before during or after the "A" or Plan A. KWIM?

All I was really asking was to what degree others sought out friends or family to confide in and how much did it help if at all.

I'm really asking because I have only confided in one person who is about 1500 miles away, and we don't talk very often at all (we're GUYS!) lol

I was just trying to figure out if there may be an opportunity to help the recovery along. Keep ijn mind that I don't want to do ANYTHING to interfere with recovery, hence the "did it work or not?"

Is that clearer?

I feel like the more I try the deeper the hole gets :eek:

That's exactly what I was looking for BK.

I thought keeping it to ourselves was probably right, and I feel exactly the same way as far as protection goes. I just wasn't sure what I "should" do. Second guessing myself.

I should re-learn to trust my instincts. Not doing so has caused untold damage.

Sometimes I guess I'm just not sure about anything including myself...